he's not wrong, and dextera has to keep telling himself that in order to avoid getting upset about it. even dextera himself is no stranger to drugs—self-administered and not. he's died from them and he's lived from them, but his consciousness can't ever truly go away, so he's never been as worried as he should have been.
seeing someone else with that confidence unsettles him, though, when it's someone he cares about. ]
...
[ his reluctant gaze turns to those other drugs again, and then he looks at guren. he's already been told no, but does guren really have to test them now? ]
[Guren follows his gaze to the drugs, and it doesn't come back. His thumb swipes over Dextera's hand before he drops his own away again, and there's something distant about his expression.
It was stupid to do any more than hand Dextera his own drug. He realizes that now. In the moment, he'd thought that testing these particular ones in front of Ryo could nearly kill him, and that brat wouldn't care or do a thing. If his demon went crazy? Nothing would change. Dextera had promised to kill him if something went wrong.
But that's selfish. He was being selfish, again. As much as he deserves the pain and whatever else might come from these tests, no one else deserves to watch them. At least Ryo doesn't react.]
I can do it later. [It's worrying to do this in the basement, anyway. Akira and Yata could run into him... even if he doesn't always like doing it in the apothecary.] I'll just give you what I have of yours.
[Turning more towards the red, fuller jar, he pulls some smaller, oddly shaped jars he'd found from the apothecary so he can fill them.]
[ dextera is relieved to hear that guren is going to postpone it, even though he realizes that guren is not stopping, just doing it where dextera can't see. if something were to happen... there's no good answer here. he doesn't want to watch, but he doesn't want guren to do this alone, either. he doesn't really want guren to do this at all, but it's already set in motion and guren is stubborn about these things in a way that dextera doesn't have the willpower to argue.
so, instead, he'll try to compromise. he follows guren to the table, where his own supply has been made, and he doesn't try to grab for guren's hands while guren is filling these things up, but he does get his attention and mouth a thank you that he hopes guren can read.
he really does appreciate this effort, at least. ]
It's the least I can do after you've been helping me with everything I've needed.
[This included. He answers so easily, it's clear he has no trouble understanding, just like always, and he passes over one of the completed little vial things once it's full and closed.]
I'm sorry. It's probably exhausting for you. [Next, he waits until the rest are full to hand them over. Five total, for now.] About these... Let me know when you're down to two, and I can make some more.
[ there wasn't even hesitation in his answer. has he always been able to read lips, or does he just know what dextera was trying to communicate? it's not that big of a deal, and dextera wouldn't hold it against him one way or the other, but it's a good thing to keep in mind if they're ever in a position where hands are no good.
he shakes his head, and pockets the vials with the utmost care. five vials... that's as good as about twenty-five hearts, roughly, and dextera has never in his life been so prepared. if he had been able to carry this much in the neuro tower, he probably wouldn't have died half as often.
if they have to go back into the forest, too... well, that's probably why guren is making all of this, isn't it? another test, again mouthing a couple simple words just to see if it was a fluke before.
[Just don't drop or throw any! They're glass. He smiles at those mouthed words, interestingly enough, because one time was one thing, but twice is definitely Dextera trying to figure it out. He's not going to lie, and he welcomes the light feeling that causes to grow in his chest over all the tension he's been feeling otherwise.]
Good.
[Look at that Knowing look in his eyes. This punk. He scoots the empty jar with the other ones, then closes his laptop.]
I hope it wasn't too much of a waste of your time to have to come here.
dextera can’t believe that guren can just read lips—from the outset, it never occurred to dextera to try, but if guren had this ability, why didn’t he say something before now? surely all the grabbing and writing has been an inconvenient burden.
the uncertainty paralyzes him for a moment after he shakes his head. he doesn’t want to just force guren to read his lips, and he doesn’t want to write on guren’s hand if that’s a superfluous thing... so he decides to try what looks like a sad attempt at shadow puppetry?
[W...why a bird... This may be the first time he's been genuinely confused by Dextera trying to communicate, which makes him worry a little. Is he bothered that he never told him?]
Uhh... [Hm. He offers his hand forward, instead, frowning a little down at it. This... keep doing this??]
that’s all dextera needed, though trying to explain his situation here, like this, is probably just going to lead to some unwarranted confusion. all he wants is to explain that he wasn’t doing anything important!!
J-U-S-T H-O-U-S-E
...he winces now, writing the last word, since this painstaking method makes him realize that it does sound a little bit like a word salad.
[See, this? This is ridiculous. "Just house chicken." Who would understand that other than him? But he does get it, he thinks, and so he places his free hand on his hip, relaxed.]
You were in your house with the chickens? [He'd seen Joshua talking about that on the network! And he's probably seen the chickens in person by now? Anyway, Goshi would make a joke about being surrounded by chicks right about now, and Guren imagines it, but he, unfortunately, is a big lame loser who won't do the same.]
[ just house chicken! if it works, it works, and a little smile crosses his face when guren accurately guesses what he was trying to say. it’s like guren wasn’t even writhing in pain on the floor just moments ago!
this is better to think about, though, and he nods when guren asks if he likes them—he really does, after all, and now he’s enthusing against guren’s palm since he’s got permission.
[Hmm... Yes, this is the company he wanted. He smiles a little himself, as he stares down at Dextera's writing. Maybe one day he'll learn that he can ask people to just hang out without reason, but for every time he tries it, there are about ten more where he asks people to help or watch him do other stupid things, instead. Right now, at least, he's realizing the drug thing was a mistake.]
I guess they seem alright. [His response to that is, without explaining, move his hand from his hip to ruffle Dextera's hair, instead. Soft warm pet??]
Is one of them yours, officially, or are you all sharing?
[ dextera doesn’t understand why his hair is being ruffled, and it clearly surprises him for the second that it’s happening—but then he’s relaxing, and lets it continue. it’s not bad.
he likes it, and more importantly, yes!! he has bonded with one of the chickens enough to call it his own!!!
he places one hand over guren’s on top of his head to keep it there, the other breaking away to point at his chest, and he nods, pleased. ]
[Oh, his hand is being kept here. It's still for a moment, but as he laughs in amusement at that, he ruffles just a little bit more. If his hand is stuck here, he's gonna...!!
He really did bounce back from that pain immediately. That was all on his training to deal with torture rather than his demon. The demon just made sure his organs didn't fail! Yay.]
Haha, so you're a chicken daddy. [I hope he never says these words again.] Congrats.
[ a chicken daddy... the highest honor of the chicken hierarchy. ]
...
[ something doesn’t feel right about those words he’s said, but dextera is smiling anyway, proud to claim parentage of this chicken even if the chocobo beat him to most of it. he thinks that he might actually be counted among spot’s chicks. ]
Heh!
[ and then he takes guren’s hand with him off his head to write on that palm again.
[ hmmMMM... Guren stares at his own hand, then looks back to the drugs on the table. They’ll be fine here, if he puts them in a drawer. No one in this house likes to come down here, anyway. On top of that, he knows it’d be nice to spend some time just sitting with Dextera, chickens aside.
He sighs like it’s a big problem. ]
Fine. [ Decided, he moves just to take everything off the table and shove it in some drawer. ] But I’m not going to pet them.
[ dextera knows that, even if guren is sighing, he wouldn't agree if he truly didn't want to come—so he'll take this apparently reluctant agreement for what it is, which is just plain agreement.
there's a reason dextera is so obsessed with the birds, really! maybe guren will find out today, or maybe he won't, but dextera is pretty stoked to cuddle his chicken after all of this. if he can help it, he'd like to forget about the drugs, or guren's experimentation, or that long list of failures. it's not often that he wants to forget, but there's only so much he can handle.
so, when guren has cleared away the drugs—and dextera seems more relaxed for it, too—he's back to the door, though he pauses to make sure that he can actually leave now? guren did stop him earlier, but the basement looks less suspicious without guren's things strewn about. ]
[ As he steps up beside Dextera, he pulls a paper slip off the door with one hand and slips the other around his shoulders. ]
Get going. [ Rough words with a kind gesture, he nudges Dextera to keep moving forward. He only lets his hand slip away when they’re at the front door. Other than that, he’s quiet ]
[ more of that paper... he remembers guren igniting the chairs back when the furniture was talking, but this one doesn't seem explosive. even if he notices it, however, he doesn't really need to ask. he can put two and two together, and it's either a way of keeping people out or keeping secrets in.
dextera assumes the secrets are guren's drugs, but it's not like there's anyone he would tell anyway. except for one person but hey he's already involved! guren has trusted him with this information.
so, out the door he goes! it's nice to feel safe again, now that the shadows have calmed down. ]
[It is nice to feel safe. He's thinking a similar thing when he glances down at his arm, the skin completely colored when just days ago he'd been near black and white. It's strange, and he's not sure it'll last, but it's fine, for now.
Walking is too silent. Normally, Guren wouldn't mind the silence at all, but there's too much he wants to say that he's been having trouble expressing to Dextera, anyway. When he looks at him again, it's with a soft, concerned expression.]
[ dextera doesn’t expect the question, and he does seem visibly taken aback—and then his own expression softens. of course he hasn’t been doing okay, but that’s how he always is. he does better, and he does worse. whether it’s the town or guren scaring him for any reason, in any way, it’s all to be expected.
he nods, simply, but the way he tilts his head makes it clear that he doesn’t understand why guren has asked.
[His voice is still soft, meeting that gaze without a break until he decides to look forward again, taking a slow breath.] No, in fact, I don't want you to.
[There are no pockets on this stupid outfit to shove his hands into, so they hang uselessly at his side, curling into loose fists.]
[ a meaningful pause, not a silence of necessity. he even feels a little guilty, for apparently being so obvious about his pain that guren would feel the need to say this. he rubs his wrist, idly brushing his thumb over the place the consciousness orb used to be buried.
the archangel...
there are a lot of things that dextera hasn’t told guren, about himself, about his past, and so the way those have affected him aren’t immediately obvious either. he looks up from his arm, and nods.
for now, he isn’t going to be more okay, so that has to be enough. and then he tilts his head forward, demanding it of guren too. ]
[He understands the nod, and he lifts one of his hands to openly stare at it.] I can't tell you everything, even if I wish that I could. It would be nice to get it off my chest.
But there are some things that can't be shared in any way, or it puts the lives of others at stake. Even telling you that much is a risk.
[But his heart... it's getting to be too much. He needs something, especially without his drug to help him reign it in.] You help, Dextera. Just by being you.
[That's some sappy shit right there, but let him get it out in this post-shadow sad heart mood before he goes back to the tsun.] I want to do the same.
[ dextera doesn’t know how he could possibly be a help to guren just by being him, when he knows he’s often useless and occasionally worse than that, when guren is always taking care of him...! but he doesn’t want to argue. if guren thinks he helps, then that’s guren’s business.
he’s too selfish to push this friendship away, if the conditions are this easy. ]
...
[ and if the secrets guren is keeping involve others—their lives—then he understands that. keeping that kind of thing could easily turn into a twisted, terrible baroque, but what can dextera do except stand by and hope baroques simply don’t exist in this world?
so he takes guren’s hand and squeezes, shameless in his need to get this across. guren does help.
for that, he’s grateful, and he lifts guren’s hand to his forehead with a soft, but content, sigh—that’s all he can do. he can offer this comfort, and hope that’s enough to repay guren for everything. ]
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he's not wrong, and dextera has to keep telling himself that in order to avoid getting upset about it. even dextera himself is no stranger to drugs—self-administered and not. he's died from them and he's lived from them, but his consciousness can't ever truly go away, so he's never been as worried as he should have been.
seeing someone else with that confidence unsettles him, though, when it's someone he cares about. ]
...
[ his reluctant gaze turns to those other drugs again, and then he looks at guren. he's already been told no, but does guren really have to test them now? ]
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It was stupid to do any more than hand Dextera his own drug. He realizes that now. In the moment, he'd thought that testing these particular ones in front of Ryo could nearly kill him, and that brat wouldn't care or do a thing. If his demon went crazy? Nothing would change. Dextera had promised to kill him if something went wrong.
But that's selfish. He was being selfish, again. As much as he deserves the pain and whatever else might come from these tests, no one else deserves to watch them. At least Ryo doesn't react.]
I can do it later. [It's worrying to do this in the basement, anyway. Akira and Yata could run into him... even if he doesn't always like doing it in the apothecary.] I'll just give you what I have of yours.
[Turning more towards the red, fuller jar, he pulls some smaller, oddly shaped jars he'd found from the apothecary so he can fill them.]
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so, instead, he'll try to compromise. he follows guren to the table, where his own supply has been made, and he doesn't try to grab for guren's hands while guren is filling these things up, but he does get his attention and mouth a thank you that he hopes guren can read.
he really does appreciate this effort, at least. ]
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[This included. He answers so easily, it's clear he has no trouble understanding, just like always, and he passes over one of the completed little vial things once it's full and closed.]
I'm sorry. It's probably exhausting for you. [Next, he waits until the rest are full to hand them over. Five total, for now.] About these... Let me know when you're down to two, and I can make some more.
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[ there wasn't even hesitation in his answer. has he always been able to read lips, or does he just know what dextera was trying to communicate? it's not that big of a deal, and dextera wouldn't hold it against him one way or the other, but it's a good thing to keep in mind if they're ever in a position where hands are no good.
he shakes his head, and pockets the vials with the utmost care. five vials... that's as good as about twenty-five hearts, roughly, and dextera has never in his life been so prepared. if he had been able to carry this much in the neuro tower, he probably wouldn't have died half as often.
if they have to go back into the forest, too... well, that's probably why guren is making all of this, isn't it? another test, again mouthing a couple simple words just to see if it was a fluke before.
I will. ]
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Good.
[Look at that Knowing look in his eyes. This punk. He scoots the empty jar with the other ones, then closes his laptop.]
I hope it wasn't too much of a waste of your time to have to come here.
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dextera can’t believe that guren can just read lips—from the outset, it never occurred to dextera to try, but if guren had this ability, why didn’t he say something before now? surely all the grabbing and writing has been an inconvenient burden.
the uncertainty paralyzes him for a moment after he shakes his head. he doesn’t want to just force guren to read his lips, and he doesn’t want to write on guren’s hand if that’s a superfluous thing... so he decides to try what looks like a sad attempt at shadow puppetry?
what he’s going for is a bird of some kind. ]
...?
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Uhh... [Hm. He offers his hand forward, instead, frowning a little down at it. This... keep doing this??]
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that’s all dextera needed, though trying to explain his situation here, like this, is probably just going to lead to some unwarranted confusion. all he wants is to explain that he wasn’t doing anything important!!
J-U-S-T
H-O-U-S-E
...he winces now, writing the last word, since this painstaking method makes him realize that it does sound a little bit like a word salad.
C-H-I-C-K-E-N ]
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[See, this? This is ridiculous. "Just house chicken." Who would understand that other than him? But he does get it, he thinks, and so he places his free hand on his hip, relaxed.]
You were in your house with the chickens? [He'd seen Joshua talking about that on the network! And he's probably seen the chickens in person by now? Anyway, Goshi would make a joke about being surrounded by chicks right about now, and Guren imagines it, but he, unfortunately, is a big lame loser who won't do the same.]
You like them, huh?
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this is better to think about, though, and he nods when guren asks if he likes them—he really does, after all, and now he’s enthusing against guren’s palm since he’s got permission.
S-O-F-T
W-A-R-M
P-E-T
!!! ]
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I guess they seem alright. [His response to that is, without explaining, move his hand from his hip to ruffle Dextera's hair, instead. Soft warm pet??]
Is one of them yours, officially, or are you all sharing?
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[ dextera doesn’t understand why his hair is being ruffled, and it clearly surprises him for the second that it’s happening—but then he’s relaxing, and lets it continue. it’s not bad.
he likes it, and more importantly, yes!! he has bonded with one of the chickens enough to call it his own!!!
he places one hand over guren’s on top of his head to keep it there, the other breaking away to point at his chest, and he nods, pleased. ]
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He really did bounce back from that pain immediately. That was all on his training to deal with torture rather than his demon. The demon just made sure his organs didn't fail! Yay.]
Haha, so you're a chicken daddy. [I hope he never says these words again.] Congrats.
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...
[ something doesn’t feel right about those words he’s said, but dextera is smiling anyway, proud to claim parentage of this chicken even if the chocobo beat him to most of it. he thinks that he might actually be counted among spot’s chicks. ]
Heh!
[ and then he takes guren’s hand with him off his head to write on that palm again.
C-O-M-E
S-E-E
get out of your creepy drug basement, guren. ]
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He sighs like it’s a big problem. ]
Fine. [ Decided, he moves just to take everything off the table and shove it in some drawer. ] But I’m not going to pet them.
[ He lies ]
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there's a reason dextera is so obsessed with the birds, really! maybe guren will find out today, or maybe he won't, but dextera is pretty stoked to cuddle his chicken after all of this. if he can help it, he'd like to forget about the drugs, or guren's experimentation, or that long list of failures. it's not often that he wants to forget, but there's only so much he can handle.
so, when guren has cleared away the drugs—and dextera seems more relaxed for it, too—he's back to the door, though he pauses to make sure that he can actually leave now? guren did stop him earlier, but the basement looks less suspicious without guren's things strewn about. ]
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Get going. [ Rough words with a kind gesture, he nudges Dextera to keep moving forward. He only lets his hand slip away when they’re at the front door. Other than that, he’s quiet ]
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[ more of that paper... he remembers guren igniting the chairs back when the furniture was talking, but this one doesn't seem explosive. even if he notices it, however, he doesn't really need to ask. he can put two and two together, and it's either a way of keeping people out or keeping secrets in.
dextera assumes the secrets are guren's drugs, but it's not like there's anyone he would tell anyway.
except for one person but hey he's already involved!guren has trusted him with this information.so, out the door he goes! it's nice to feel safe again, now that the shadows have calmed down. ]
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Walking is too silent. Normally, Guren wouldn't mind the silence at all, but there's too much he wants to say that he's been having trouble expressing to Dextera, anyway. When he looks at him again, it's with a soft, concerned expression.]
Have you really been doing okay?
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[ dextera doesn’t expect the question, and he does seem visibly taken aback—and then his own expression softens. of course he hasn’t been doing okay, but that’s how he always is. he does better, and he does worse. whether it’s the town or guren scaring him for any reason, in any way, it’s all to be expected.
he nods, simply, but the way he tilts his head makes it clear that he doesn’t understand why guren has asked.
guren is the one who has been suffering. ]
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[His voice is still soft, meeting that gaze without a break until he decides to look forward again, taking a slow breath.] No, in fact, I don't want you to.
[There are no pockets on this stupid outfit to shove his hands into, so they hang uselessly at his side, curling into loose fists.]
I just want to make sure you know that.
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[ a meaningful pause, not a silence of necessity. he even feels a little guilty, for apparently being so obvious about his pain that guren would feel the need to say this. he rubs his wrist, idly brushing his thumb over the place the consciousness orb used to be buried.
the archangel...
there are a lot of things that dextera hasn’t told guren, about himself, about his past, and so the way those have affected him aren’t immediately obvious either. he looks up from his arm, and nods.
for now, he isn’t going to be more okay, so that has to be enough. and then he tilts his head forward, demanding it of guren too. ]
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[He understands the nod, and he lifts one of his hands to openly stare at it.] I can't tell you everything, even if I wish that I could. It would be nice to get it off my chest.
But there are some things that can't be shared in any way, or it puts the lives of others at stake. Even telling you that much is a risk.
[But his heart... it's getting to be too much. He needs something, especially without his drug to help him reign it in.] You help, Dextera. Just by being you.
[That's some sappy shit right there, but let him get it out in this post-shadow sad heart mood before he goes back to the tsun.] I want to do the same.
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he’s too selfish to push this friendship away, if the conditions are this easy. ]
...
[ and if the secrets guren is keeping involve others—their lives—then he understands that. keeping that kind of thing could easily turn into a twisted, terrible baroque, but what can dextera do except stand by and hope baroques simply don’t exist in this world?
so he takes guren’s hand and squeezes, shameless in his need to get this across. guren does help.
for that, he’s grateful, and he lifts guren’s hand to his forehead with a soft, but content, sigh—that’s all he can do. he can offer this comfort, and hope that’s enough to repay guren for everything. ]
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