[Nothing. So he's going to hold onto this like it's his burden, too? So Guren added to that weight? He's beating himself up over this way too much, but it's a pile of other things that's pressing so much at his heart, making this the last straw. His whole body tenses as he hunches over himself a little more, fingers digging into his face.
He can't do anything. He's not going to be able to forgive himself for a number of things, now, and adding more for Dextera to worry about is one of those things, obviously. Shouldn't he know that the weight of a world's fate is enough??]
I'm sorry. [One more pathetic attempt... to get it through...]
[ guren is reacting so poorly to what dextera wants to be the easy way out. he doesn't need to apologize for anything. it's dextera's fault for having all these hang-ups—so why does guren look like that, why is he still trying, when dextera glances at him out of the corner of his eye? ]
...
[ gently, so as to not disturb her, he places the chicken back in her little nest and she is content to move without complaint. then, with that same gentleness, dextera reaches out—hesitating only for a moment—and touches guren's shoulder.
he doesn't know what to do, but he can't stand to see guren in pain. is this accepting an apology? he doesn't know. there's no apology to be made, in his view.
[Guren doesn't know what that is, either. An attempt to help, he's sure, and it does... a small bit. But it's not enough, just like Guren's apology isn't enough and will never be enough, and there's nothing he can do to change that. He'll just have to be more careful in the future.
Even when he wants company, when he feels the most lonely and it seems like there's someone who can be there with him... he has to consider whether it's right. For most people, friendship like that is just part of everything. But for him, does he deserve it at all? He doesn't think so.
He's not crying, but everything about his body language says he should be. He drops his hand away from his face and rests it on Dextera's knee, instead, refusing to lean any closer, but not quite pulling away, either. He just needs a few moments to make sure the tears don't try to come out. He's feeling too weak right now.]
[ this is hard. dextera doesn’t know what to do, when his dearest friend looks like this—because of him? because he can’t make a decision on something that should be so simple? guren seems to be tearing himself apart over this, and dextera would give anything to just be able to take away that pain and see guren relax. ]
...
[ he covers guren’s hand on his knee, and he lets the two of them sit there in silence for a moment—just touching, just enjoying the company for some measure of enjoyment. it’s not just the drugs—it’s everything, this past week, and even if guren’s color is back he’s still obviously hurting.
slowly, he inches his fingers under guren’s, so that he can write a message that he hopes is something. enough. at least a little bit.
S-A-F-E.
a reminder, in a way, but he’s telling guren, too—dextera is safe. guren is safe. this place, between them, is safe, and their friendship is unbreakably safe as well.
maybe not all of that comes across specifically, but it’s his expression, too: peaceful, in consideration, and now he really is accepting guren’s apology the way that god forgives the faults of everyone around her. he’s channeling some of that warmth, slowly, soothingly writing out the letters that matter less than his manner. ]
[Dextera has always had a peaceful aura to him that was difficult to explain. He was soothing to be around, relaxing, comforting, and Guren had always assumed it was just the way he held himself so selflessly. This right now, though, was really unlike anything Guren had ever felt before, and he wasn't sure how to classify it, or what it meant.
It's enough to get him to lift his head, letting out a breath like a laugh as if that'll excuse his teary eyes. But he blinks that away quickly enough, staring at their hands. Safe.
That's right. They're safe. As simple as that, his worries are knocked back, and he's calmed down for the moment.]
Yeah. We're safe. [Everything is safe, and he wants to keep it that way. He hopes he can. He curls his fingers gently to squeeze at Dextera's hand. He wants to move on, just like that, but this is going to take a little bit more. So, still holding their hands, he turns enough to lean and rest his forehead on Dextera's shoulder.]
You sure you don't just want to punch me? [It's a joke, he swears... it is helping him relax]
[ dextera lets him rest there, taking this all as it comes. he feels peaceful, too, which is nice after the panic that had swelled in his heart—not knowing what to do, what to say, when guren was hurting so much... the answer was right here, wasn’t it? maybe there are no magic words to fix everything, but there are the two of them.
what else could matter? ]
...heh.
[ the softest laugh! and he’s tilting his head just enough to rest against guren’s, his heart full of a warmth he doesn’t know how to explain.
things haven’t been easy for either of them for long since they got here, but now, in this interstice of peace, he can appreciate what they have. how important it is to him. ]
[This is soothing for the soul. It's like repair, and he can't believe he's actually willing to sit here and do embarrassing things like this. But Dextera, as a person, makes it so easy, and he's so comfortable, he wouldn't have it any other way. It's entirely based on personality.
He enjoys this for a long moment, taking deep breaths and just appreciating the closeness, the warmth, until his forehead feels like it's getting a red mark and he's sure Dextera's shoulder can't feel all too comfortable. He sits back up, rubbing at his forehead with a quiet laugh of his own, glancing back at the sleeping chicken.
[ the chicken shifts and settles when guren pets her, but the peaceful silence has mostly lulled her to sleep and she has no qualms about having her feathers stroked. maybe dextera is like snow white! his endless patience calms animals. ]
...
[ he shakes his head, but this one isn’t intended as a true protest. it’s more a natural reaction to guren’s gratitude than any real answer—what he really says, mouthing it again since he knows that guren knows, is something like friends.
he gestures from guren’s heart to his, and smiles. ]
[He got him with his own line? The smile that stretches from Guren's small one is so genuine and warm that it's unbelievable, and he has to bring up a hand and rub at the side of his neck like that might detract attention from it.]
We're friends, so there's no need to say thanks for something like that. Right? You got me there. [His heart hurts a little, honestly, but it also feels so warm? This is too much. His eyes move back to Dextera.]
I guess sometimes all it takes is hanging out like this. I never remember to schedule things like that in. [Haha... his bad]
[ that's why they're here, now. there was no real need for guren to come meet this precious little chicken, considering he comes over all the time for any number of reasons anyway, but it was a nice excuse to get them to spend some time together without any of guren's agendas getting in the way.
it's easiest to relax when neither of them have any plans they're trying to fulfill in the meantime.
he nods, so quietly content now that he honestly doesn't know what to do with himself. he adores guren, and he would do anything to keep this bond between them safe—with his memories the way they are, or even without that, he's pretty sure guren is the best friend he's ever had. ]
...
[ now he actually reaches out to touch guren's chest, his palm over his heart, and pats lightly. a reminder, whatever guren takes this as a reminder of. ]
[That his tits are out because he never buttons that inner frilly shirt?
He's surprised by the gesture, really, since it seems even more personal than the connection he drew between their hearts. A pat... He can only assume it carries the same meaning as everything else. They're safe, together, friends, and he needs to take care of himself. Something like that?
To Guren, it's just a reminder of the heart that Dextera is helping stay human. He covers that hand with his own.]
If you keep doing that, I'll just think about this stupid shirt. [He's happy... he's really happy and he doesn't know what to do, either. But, things are better this time, and he thinks he's going to be able to hold onto this.]
[ what a delighted sound... it even surprises dextera with how suddenly it comes out of him, and he draws his hand back to cover his mouth with an embarrassed blush across his face. he's just feeling a lot of things, and it's not that guren's comment was especially funny, but there's a relief in just hearing him say something stupid after dextera saw those tears in his eyes.
fingers pressed to his lips to keep a sound in (though he's still smiling), dextera quickly shakes his head.
it's not stupid! mostly. guren looks all right in it, after all, though it doesn't cut the same imposing figure that his uniform did. ]
[What a cute sound?! It's so happy that Guren wants to laugh again himself, and so he does, leaning over and pinching playfully at Dextera's side.]
Don't try to deny it. You looked like you wanted to say something about it when you first saw me. Were you just holding back this whole time?
[He'd much rather jokingly laugh and talk about dumb shirts than focus on anything else, any more, so... he'll fall back easily into acting like a kid, like this.]
[ this feels better, the levity between them less forced now—honest, in talking about that stupid shirt. dextera is glad that his own clothes are durable and easily repaired, because he's not sure that he could stand wearing something like that! guren pulls it off, but only because he looks extremely confident in it. ]
...
[ he's still covering his mouth, but his eyes are smiling even as he tries to move away from guren's playful, punishing pinches. he shakes his head again, but it feels like he's saying a lot—defensive, ultimately meaningless things, but the silence somehow gives the aura of a conversation where dextera tries really hard to insist that the shirt is fine. ]
[Guren can pick up on those silent retorts, and he's completely willing to put his own side of the conversation up to match. But if any stranger walked in here and saw this, they'd probably call it very weird assault. Tickle assault? It's kind of like that.
Good thing they're in the cuddle house and there's no judgement. Eventually, when Guren decides he's chased Dextera far enough across the floor with playful pinches and laughs, he flops over onto his back on the floor, letting out one more laugh before he lets a deep breath take over.
It's much lighter, even if that weight is still there. It really is like sharing it with friends. He blinks at the ceiling, hands resting on his own chest, and then turns his head enough to slide his gaze over to Dextera. Even from this angle on the floor, it's fine.]
[ the chicken opens her eyes, alarmed at the sudden sound of movement... but maybe either she decides it's fine, or it's best not to get involved, and all she does is very pointedly turn away from the two grown men having a tickle fight in her room. (it is hers.)
dextera, on the other hand, takes a deep breath as well when guren decides he's had enough, and his face hurts from all the smiling he's just done. it's terrible! he's never felt like this before—so high, after getting so low for a moment there. all he's known in his life, after all, is being down. ]
...
[ dextera is sitting up, when guren decides to look up at him from the floor. he blinks too, as if questioning why guren is looking at him like this now, but he's clearly not at all unhappy. ]
[ Because he’s plotting. What’s the best way to do this without making himself tsun? Being a little rough about it, of course. So he shifts, propping himself up on one arm as he turns and hooks the other around Dextera’s shoulders, dragging him down to the floor. ]
Haha, you need to lie down every once in a while. [ Now he pulls his arm back to himself, letting Dextera settle on the floor however he wants while Guren watches the ceiling. It makes him feel kind of like a kid, but he thinks he can be allowed that once in a while. ]
[ dextera goes without protest, though it does clearly surprise him to be pulled—his eyes widen, and his lips form a little o shape, but then he's on the floor and not trying to sit up again. the way he decides to settle is on his side, so he can watch guren without craning his neck.
because of course that's how he would want to lie down! he's using one arm as a pillow, while the other rests on his side, and... it's nice. even if they said nothing else today, this would be nice. ]
...
[ the hand that isn't tucked under him twitches slightly, like he wants to reach out and... touch. ]
[ Guren is on his back because that’s normally how he lies when he’s thinking and he can sleep in any position anyway, but the floor is pretty hard like this. Oh well. He looks over to Dextera again, catching a few twitches of fingers as he smiles, eyes too bright. He’s just... having a good time... ]
What? [ Don’t hold back!! Reach out for whatever you want. He assumes it’ll just be a cute touch of hands or something, but whatever Dextera wants is never harmful. He’s trying real hard to make sure Ryo’s influence doesn’t erase this completely. ]
it's like everything earlier didn't even happen, as far as the emotional dread of it all goes. this is a much kinder encounter for the both of them, and he wishes it could be like this all the time—but that would, unfortunately, require them to be very different people than they are, with very different lives that they've led.
he shakes his head, just a slight twitch in its own way, but then his fingers pick their way over to guren's and their fingertips brush. the contact is just pleasant. ryo might not want it, but dextera is pretty sure guren does...! ]
[ He does. Though, he’d tell anyone who questioned him that he does it for Dextera. Thankfully no one has questioned him, and that makes it even easier to react casually, to find this comforting and usual and let his fingers slip between Dextera’s for a gentle hold. ]
Haha. [ No, he says, and then reaches for his hand... he can’t help but laugh. ]
[ as long as guren accepts it, dextera wants it. maybe it’s selfish, to always ask for this contact and justify it with necessity even when he isn’t saying anything at all between their hands, but...
well, there is no but. it is selfish. and it’s okay, he hopes, to be selfish when it’s something like this. does he deserve that? not at all—but he’s weak, and he’s going to take it, and he closes his eyes without any intention to sleep.
he just wants to hear the moment. see, guren? isn’t this way better than exploding your organs??? ]
[He's still (probably) going to explode his organs later.
But yes, this is much nicer. He's comfortable, even on this hard floor, and he's happy about a lot of things. He's hopeful, he's determined, he's got a ton of new friends backing him. He can think about all of that in a peaceful moment like this. He owes it all to Dextera, too, to draw him out of his shitty basement and into this cozy house, instead.
Guren doesn't sleep or even close his eyes, since he's too awake with all of these thoughts, anyway. He watches Dextera for a long moment, and then looks to the ceiling again, humming with his next breath.
Maybe they'll play chess after this? Or maybe they'll just pet the chicken some more, or sit around and waste time. It all sounds nice, and he guesses he can put off his research for small moments like this.]
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He can't do anything. He's not going to be able to forgive himself for a number of things, now, and adding more for Dextera to worry about is one of those things, obviously. Shouldn't he know that the weight of a world's fate is enough??]
I'm sorry. [One more pathetic attempt... to get it through...]
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...
[ gently, so as to not disturb her, he places the chicken back in her little nest and she is content to move without complaint. then, with that same gentleness, dextera reaches out—hesitating only for a moment—and touches guren's shoulder.
he doesn't know what to do, but he can't stand to see guren in pain. is this accepting an apology? he doesn't know. there's no apology to be made, in his view.
and yet... ]
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Even when he wants company, when he feels the most lonely and it seems like there's someone who can be there with him... he has to consider whether it's right. For most people, friendship like that is just part of everything. But for him, does he deserve it at all? He doesn't think so.
He's not crying, but everything about his body language says he should be. He drops his hand away from his face and rests it on Dextera's knee, instead, refusing to lean any closer, but not quite pulling away, either. He just needs a few moments to make sure the tears don't try to come out. He's feeling too weak right now.]
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...
[ he covers guren’s hand on his knee, and he lets the two of them sit there in silence for a moment—just touching, just enjoying the company for some measure of enjoyment. it’s not just the drugs—it’s everything, this past week, and even if guren’s color is back he’s still obviously hurting.
slowly, he inches his fingers under guren’s, so that he can write a message that he hopes is something. enough. at least a little bit.
S-A-F-E.
a reminder, in a way, but he’s telling guren, too—dextera is safe. guren is safe. this place, between them, is safe, and their friendship is unbreakably safe as well.
maybe not all of that comes across specifically, but it’s his expression, too: peaceful, in consideration, and now he really is accepting guren’s apology the way that god forgives the faults of everyone around her. he’s channeling some of that warmth, slowly, soothingly writing out the letters that matter less than his manner. ]
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It's enough to get him to lift his head, letting out a breath like a laugh as if that'll excuse his teary eyes. But he blinks that away quickly enough, staring at their hands. Safe.
That's right. They're safe. As simple as that, his worries are knocked back, and he's calmed down for the moment.]
Yeah. We're safe. [Everything is safe, and he wants to keep it that way. He hopes he can. He curls his fingers gently to squeeze at Dextera's hand. He wants to move on, just like that, but this is going to take a little bit more. So, still holding their hands, he turns enough to lean and rest his forehead on Dextera's shoulder.]
You sure you don't just want to punch me? [It's a joke, he swears... it is helping him relax]
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what else could matter? ]
...heh.
[ the softest laugh! and he’s tilting his head just enough to rest against guren’s, his heart full of a warmth he doesn’t know how to explain.
things haven’t been easy for either of them for long since they got here, but now, in this interstice of peace, he can appreciate what they have. how important it is to him. ]
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He enjoys this for a long moment, taking deep breaths and just appreciating the closeness, the warmth, until his forehead feels like it's getting a red mark and he's sure Dextera's shoulder can't feel all too comfortable. He sits back up, rubbing at his forehead with a quiet laugh of his own, glancing back at the sleeping chicken.
Again, he reaches over to pet its feathers.]
Thanks. [For everything.]
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...
[ he shakes his head, but this one isn’t intended as a true protest. it’s more a natural reaction to guren’s gratitude than any real answer—what he really says, mouthing it again since he knows that guren knows, is something like friends.
he gestures from guren’s heart to his, and smiles. ]
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[He got him with his own line? The smile that stretches from Guren's small one is so genuine and warm that it's unbelievable, and he has to bring up a hand and rub at the side of his neck like that might detract attention from it.]
We're friends, so there's no need to say thanks for something like that. Right? You got me there. [His heart hurts a little, honestly, but it also feels so warm? This is too much. His eyes move back to Dextera.]
I guess sometimes all it takes is hanging out like this. I never remember to schedule things like that in. [Haha... his bad]
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it's easiest to relax when neither of them have any plans they're trying to fulfill in the meantime.
he nods, so quietly content now that he honestly doesn't know what to do with himself. he adores guren, and he would do anything to keep this bond between them safe—with his memories the way they are, or even without that, he's pretty sure guren is the best friend he's ever had. ]
...
[ now he actually reaches out to touch guren's chest, his palm over his heart, and pats lightly. a reminder, whatever guren takes this as a reminder of. ]
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That his tits are out because he never buttons that inner frilly shirt?He's surprised by the gesture, really, since it seems even more personal than the connection he drew between their hearts. A pat... He can only assume it carries the same meaning as everything else. They're safe, together, friends, and he needs to take care of himself. Something like that?
To Guren, it's just a reminder of the heart that Dextera is helping stay human. He covers that hand with his own.]
If you keep doing that, I'll just think about this stupid shirt. [He's happy... he's really happy and he doesn't know what to do, either. But, things are better this time, and he thinks he's going to be able to hold onto this.]
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[ what a delighted sound... it even surprises dextera with how suddenly it comes out of him, and he draws his hand back to cover his mouth with an embarrassed blush across his face. he's just feeling a lot of things, and it's not that guren's comment was especially funny, but there's a relief in just hearing him say something stupid after dextera saw those tears in his eyes.
fingers pressed to his lips to keep a sound in (though he's still smiling), dextera quickly shakes his head.
it's not stupid! mostly. guren looks all right in it, after all, though it doesn't cut the same imposing figure that his uniform did. ]
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Don't try to deny it. You looked like you wanted to say something about it when you first saw me. Were you just holding back this whole time?
[He'd much rather jokingly laugh and talk about dumb shirts than focus on anything else, any more, so... he'll fall back easily into acting like a kid, like this.]
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...
[ he's still covering his mouth, but his eyes are smiling even as he tries to move away from guren's playful, punishing pinches. he shakes his head again, but it feels like he's saying a lot—defensive, ultimately meaningless things, but the silence somehow gives the aura of a conversation where dextera tries really hard to insist that the shirt is fine. ]
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Good thing they're in the cuddle house and there's no judgement. Eventually, when Guren decides he's chased Dextera far enough across the floor with playful pinches and laughs, he flops over onto his back on the floor, letting out one more laugh before he lets a deep breath take over.
It's much lighter, even if that weight is still there. It really is like sharing it with friends. He blinks at the ceiling, hands resting on his own chest, and then turns his head enough to slide his gaze over to Dextera. Even from this angle on the floor, it's fine.]
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dextera, on the other hand, takes a deep breath as well when guren decides he's had enough, and his face hurts from all the smiling he's just done. it's terrible! he's never felt like this before—so high, after getting so low for a moment there. all he's known in his life, after all, is being down. ]
...
[ dextera is sitting up, when guren decides to look up at him from the floor. he blinks too, as if questioning why guren is looking at him like this now, but he's clearly not at all unhappy. ]
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Haha, you need to lie down every once in a while. [ Now he pulls his arm back to himself, letting Dextera settle on the floor however he wants while Guren watches the ceiling. It makes him feel kind of like a kid, but he thinks he can be allowed that once in a while. ]
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[ dextera goes without protest, though it does clearly surprise him to be pulled—his eyes widen, and his lips form a little o shape, but then he's on the floor and not trying to sit up again. the way he decides to settle is on his side, so he can watch guren without craning his neck.
because of course that's how he would want to lie down! he's using one arm as a pillow, while the other rests on his side, and... it's nice. even if they said nothing else today, this would be nice. ]
...
[ the hand that isn't tucked under him twitches slightly, like he wants to reach out and... touch. ]
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What? [ Don’t hold back!! Reach out for whatever you want. He assumes it’ll just be a cute touch of hands or something, but whatever Dextera wants is never harmful. He’s trying real hard to make sure Ryo’s influence doesn’t erase this completely. ]
You want something?
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it's like everything earlier didn't even happen, as far as the emotional dread of it all goes. this is a much kinder encounter for the both of them, and he wishes it could be like this all the time—but that would, unfortunately, require them to be very different people than they are, with very different lives that they've led.
he shakes his head, just a slight twitch in its own way, but then his fingers pick their way over to guren's and their fingertips brush. the contact is just pleasant. ryo might not want it, but dextera is pretty sure guren does...! ]
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Haha. [ No, he says, and then reaches for his hand... he can’t help but laugh. ]
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well, there is no but. it is selfish. and it’s okay, he hopes, to be selfish when it’s something like this. does he deserve that? not at all—but he’s weak, and he’s going to take it, and he closes his eyes without any intention to sleep.
he just wants to hear the moment. see, guren? isn’t this way better than exploding your organs??? ]
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But yes, this is much nicer. He's comfortable, even on this hard floor, and he's happy about a lot of things. He's hopeful, he's determined, he's got a ton of new friends backing him. He can think about all of that in a peaceful moment like this. He owes it all to Dextera, too, to draw him out of his shitty basement and into this cozy house, instead.
Guren doesn't sleep or even close his eyes, since he's too awake with all of these thoughts, anyway. He watches Dextera for a long moment, and then looks to the ceiling again, humming with his next breath.
Maybe they'll play chess after this? Or maybe they'll just pet the chicken some more, or sit around and waste time. It all sounds nice, and he guesses he can put off his research for small moments like this.]