[ dextera doesn’t want to wake her up either, but he wants guren to be closer than this, too. she’s used to being stared at since that’s all dextera does, and he thinks she’s got a passively curing influence on everyone who looks at her—the bias, perhaps, of a new pet owner.
when he meets guren’s eyes, there’s something knowing in his gaze—similarly tired, with everything they’ve been through, but not nearly as bad—and he thinks guren would be much better off if he came to crouch as well.
[Mm... That look is calling him over without even saying a word. He'd like to wipe that tiredness from Dextera's expression, as well, but there's no such easy solution for either of them, is there?
The least he can do is this. He sighs to himself, but it's barely an exhale, and he uncrosses his arms to step over, carefully, and crouch beside Dextera to look at this bird.
It looks even softer up close. He's going to be worried about a bird's safety, now, which sounds ridiculous. But if she dies, Dextera will surely fall apart. Hmm. Chicken safety.
At least, watching her sleeping form does seem to be relaxing for Guren, in a way. He's looking, he's looking.]
[ the chicken is, of course, a prey animal—having two people looking at her does get her to shift in her little nest, fluffing and folding her wings. she lifts her head, tilting it this way and that as she observes the people looking at her.
she clucks, and dextera decides to reach out and stroke down the back of her neck with two fingers. she sinks back into her own body. ]
...
[ he’s a quiet person, unassuming, and this is the perfect pet for him. ]
[There's a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he shouldn't be allowed to watch something so sweet and peaceful. He's here, though, and he's watching it, watching the heart warming interaction and soaking in every curing part of it there is.
They suit each other. Dextera and his little chicken daughter.]
She's cute. [He decides to say this, in a low voice, his hands staying on his own knees where he's crouched. There's a desire to touch the chicken, or Dextera, or both, but he's ignoring that because he doesn't want to interrupt this moment. It's weird. He's trying not to think about it at all.]
[ dextera feels peaceful, too. even angelicus’ birds are twisted, in some way, and the only animals he’s ever seen that are normal have been here, like this. live lobsters, live chickens—intended for eating, maybe, but now adopted into this little family.
though the lobster did get eaten. ]
...?
[ he shakes his head, and pats her back. she clucks gently, closing her eyes against his warm hand.
she has no name yet, but he’s been mulling over a few things—some of them food-related, some religious. it’s hard to decide! ]
[He's already attached, so there's no extra harm in it. If anything, he thinks Dextera would enjoy the process. He's not sure if him saying the chicken doesn't have a name means he doesn't plan on it or is just still thinking about it, but Guren says it anyway, just in case.
He shifts, moving to sit instead of just crouch here, so it's more comfortable. But he's still just watching, letting his gaze go unfocused as he does. Soft chicken and soft boy interacting while Guren watches... it seems about right.]
[ dextera nods, smoothing both his hands down her body now, flattening her feathers at the same time she decides to move around and fluff them up again. she stands, scratching at the blanket, and then settles down once more.
he smiles, and he wants to pull her into his lap, but he decides against it and looks to guren instead—tilting his head, inviting guren to give some suggestions.
Me? [ This is not what he said!! ] No, I don’t know how to name something at all. I’ve never had a pet. Even if I did, that’s something I’d usually leave to Sayuri...
[ She seems the best one to name things. Uh, but that doesn’t help here, and he considers it some more. ] Think of something that you’d connect with her. It doesn’t have to be meaningful, really.
it’s hard to say. angel seems a little on the nose, but it’s the kind of name that people end up with, where he’s from. even ‘dextera’ is a name given to him because he was on the right, and for no other reason.
he wants to give a special name to this chicken, even if guren says it doesn’t have to meaningful. ]
...
[ his hand stills, in petting her, and he reaches for guren’s hand, too, in order to suggest a name and get guren’s opinion on it.
L-E-L-I-E-L.
a pretentious name for a pretentious religious scholar with his sweet chicken. ]
[ Guren from his cult religion family doesn’t really know what that is, but he’s sure Dextera put some sort of meaning into it. He seems the type. Even if it’s a chicken. ]
Even if you can’t call out to her, it doesn’t feel right leaving something you care about without a name. It’s too impersonal. Does it feel better?
[ his chicken is the angel of night! it’s a beautiful name for a black chicken, dextera thinks, and it’s even better that guren has said it’s pretty.
he nods, glad to have the approval, and he finally, gently as before, takes the chicken to settle into his lap. it does feel better to have named her, no matter how often he will or won’t say her name.
she rests in the nook between his legs, and dextera leans back to give her room and offer guren a chance to pet her. ]
[A pretty black chicken. There's only so much Guren can do to resist touching it, really. When it settles into Dextera's lap, and Dextera settles back, it's like an open invitation, and he hesitates only a moment before leaning over, reaching to stroke the side of it's neck gently with two fingers.
Trying to play it casual!!]
Does she get along with Spot? [He thinks that was the big bird's name...]
[ very casual!! she is a chill chicken, though, and although she swivels to look at guren briefly when he touches her, her kind chicken heart is quick to accept him. she takes after her father!!! ]
...
[ dextera is so contentedly regarding this scene that he almost forgets to answer guren's question, and then he blinks—and nods, a little more emphatic than usual. spot has adopted every single one of these chickens as his own, so it's really like dextera is co-parenting with a chocobo. ]
[Quiet words, like he's dreaming. That's what it feels like, at least. His fingers brush more over the feathers as the chicken just accepts it, and he selfishly takes the enjoyment of that for a few seconds longer before he pulls his hand back.]
Sorry for calling you over like that. [He says it so out of nowhere, even if his volume hasn't really changed. He's still just looking at the chicken, though.] I don't know what I was thinking.
[Well, obviously the problem wasn't giving Dextera his little present.]
[ dextera is not very surprised that it's come around to this, and the quiet shift in mood doesn't bother him—he was anticipating it, in a way, since they left guren's home and guren seemed so quiet, so pensive.
immediately, dextera's expression turns from near-childish excitement to something more serious, more familiar on his face as he regards guren's apology.
he didn't know, of course, that guren was working on all these things in a mad scientist lab under his basement—and while he appreciates the heart potion, the rest of it unsettles him. it would have unsettled him, even if guren hadn't swallowed down that excruciating drug in front of dextera. it was just a quick worry, rather than a slow burn of wondering if guren was okay.
dextera shakes his head, ever accepting of the things that others do. ]
[He turns to watch Dextera shake his head, and he looks even more strained at trying to hold back emotion from his face.]
You always react like that. [It's what bothers him the most, he thinks. It's weighing heavy on him, and he can't reverse it. In fact, even this conversation is bringing things down, but even if bringing this up does absolutely nothing to stop it like he thinks, he still has to try.
It means he's putting his head down, his face in his hand, focusing on composure.]
It's not okay. You don't have to sit there and say it's okay when it upset you. What kind of an ass do you think that makes me? [Ugh...!! He's a bad friend!!] Just let me apologize, damn it.
[That was probably supposed to come out with more spirit, but it just sounds pathetic.]
there are times when it seems like he can express his true feelings, but at the end of the day, what he knows is to just accept the burdens laid upon his shoulders, whether they're self-inflicted or someone else's suffering. it was easy to get angry at guren for not taking care of himself, but this is a little different. this feels like dextera's problem, and he's not good at allowing himself to open up about those things.
it's hard to accept an apology when he feels the weight of sin at all times, for all things. and yet... he doesn't know how, but he doesn't want guren to hurt for this either. he's petrified, for a moment, and he stares down at the animal in his lap instead of looking at guren. ]
[Nothing. So he's going to hold onto this like it's his burden, too? So Guren added to that weight? He's beating himself up over this way too much, but it's a pile of other things that's pressing so much at his heart, making this the last straw. His whole body tenses as he hunches over himself a little more, fingers digging into his face.
He can't do anything. He's not going to be able to forgive himself for a number of things, now, and adding more for Dextera to worry about is one of those things, obviously. Shouldn't he know that the weight of a world's fate is enough??]
I'm sorry. [One more pathetic attempt... to get it through...]
[ guren is reacting so poorly to what dextera wants to be the easy way out. he doesn't need to apologize for anything. it's dextera's fault for having all these hang-ups—so why does guren look like that, why is he still trying, when dextera glances at him out of the corner of his eye? ]
...
[ gently, so as to not disturb her, he places the chicken back in her little nest and she is content to move without complaint. then, with that same gentleness, dextera reaches out—hesitating only for a moment—and touches guren's shoulder.
he doesn't know what to do, but he can't stand to see guren in pain. is this accepting an apology? he doesn't know. there's no apology to be made, in his view.
[Guren doesn't know what that is, either. An attempt to help, he's sure, and it does... a small bit. But it's not enough, just like Guren's apology isn't enough and will never be enough, and there's nothing he can do to change that. He'll just have to be more careful in the future.
Even when he wants company, when he feels the most lonely and it seems like there's someone who can be there with him... he has to consider whether it's right. For most people, friendship like that is just part of everything. But for him, does he deserve it at all? He doesn't think so.
He's not crying, but everything about his body language says he should be. He drops his hand away from his face and rests it on Dextera's knee, instead, refusing to lean any closer, but not quite pulling away, either. He just needs a few moments to make sure the tears don't try to come out. He's feeling too weak right now.]
[ this is hard. dextera doesn’t know what to do, when his dearest friend looks like this—because of him? because he can’t make a decision on something that should be so simple? guren seems to be tearing himself apart over this, and dextera would give anything to just be able to take away that pain and see guren relax. ]
...
[ he covers guren’s hand on his knee, and he lets the two of them sit there in silence for a moment—just touching, just enjoying the company for some measure of enjoyment. it’s not just the drugs—it’s everything, this past week, and even if guren’s color is back he’s still obviously hurting.
slowly, he inches his fingers under guren’s, so that he can write a message that he hopes is something. enough. at least a little bit.
S-A-F-E.
a reminder, in a way, but he’s telling guren, too—dextera is safe. guren is safe. this place, between them, is safe, and their friendship is unbreakably safe as well.
maybe not all of that comes across specifically, but it’s his expression, too: peaceful, in consideration, and now he really is accepting guren’s apology the way that god forgives the faults of everyone around her. he’s channeling some of that warmth, slowly, soothingly writing out the letters that matter less than his manner. ]
[Dextera has always had a peaceful aura to him that was difficult to explain. He was soothing to be around, relaxing, comforting, and Guren had always assumed it was just the way he held himself so selflessly. This right now, though, was really unlike anything Guren had ever felt before, and he wasn't sure how to classify it, or what it meant.
It's enough to get him to lift his head, letting out a breath like a laugh as if that'll excuse his teary eyes. But he blinks that away quickly enough, staring at their hands. Safe.
That's right. They're safe. As simple as that, his worries are knocked back, and he's calmed down for the moment.]
Yeah. We're safe. [Everything is safe, and he wants to keep it that way. He hopes he can. He curls his fingers gently to squeeze at Dextera's hand. He wants to move on, just like that, but this is going to take a little bit more. So, still holding their hands, he turns enough to lean and rest his forehead on Dextera's shoulder.]
You sure you don't just want to punch me? [It's a joke, he swears... it is helping him relax]
[ dextera lets him rest there, taking this all as it comes. he feels peaceful, too, which is nice after the panic that had swelled in his heart—not knowing what to do, what to say, when guren was hurting so much... the answer was right here, wasn’t it? maybe there are no magic words to fix everything, but there are the two of them.
what else could matter? ]
...heh.
[ the softest laugh! and he’s tilting his head just enough to rest against guren’s, his heart full of a warmth he doesn’t know how to explain.
things haven’t been easy for either of them for long since they got here, but now, in this interstice of peace, he can appreciate what they have. how important it is to him. ]
[This is soothing for the soul. It's like repair, and he can't believe he's actually willing to sit here and do embarrassing things like this. But Dextera, as a person, makes it so easy, and he's so comfortable, he wouldn't have it any other way. It's entirely based on personality.
He enjoys this for a long moment, taking deep breaths and just appreciating the closeness, the warmth, until his forehead feels like it's getting a red mark and he's sure Dextera's shoulder can't feel all too comfortable. He sits back up, rubbing at his forehead with a quiet laugh of his own, glancing back at the sleeping chicken.
[ the chicken shifts and settles when guren pets her, but the peaceful silence has mostly lulled her to sleep and she has no qualms about having her feathers stroked. maybe dextera is like snow white! his endless patience calms animals. ]
...
[ he shakes his head, but this one isn’t intended as a true protest. it’s more a natural reaction to guren’s gratitude than any real answer—what he really says, mouthing it again since he knows that guren knows, is something like friends.
he gestures from guren’s heart to his, and smiles. ]
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when he meets guren’s eyes, there’s something knowing in his gaze—similarly tired, with everything they’ve been through, but not nearly as bad—and he thinks guren would be much better off if he came to crouch as well.
look at her. ]
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The least he can do is this. He sighs to himself, but it's barely an exhale, and he uncrosses his arms to step over, carefully, and crouch beside Dextera to look at this bird.
It looks even softer up close. He's going to be worried about a bird's safety, now, which sounds ridiculous. But if she dies, Dextera will surely fall apart. Hmm. Chicken safety.
At least, watching her sleeping form does seem to be relaxing for Guren, in a way. He's looking, he's looking.]
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she clucks, and dextera decides to reach out and stroke down the back of her neck with two fingers. she sinks back into her own body. ]
...
[ he’s a quiet person, unassuming, and this is the perfect pet for him. ]
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They suit each other. Dextera and his little chicken daughter.]
She's cute. [He decides to say this, in a low voice, his hands staying on his own knees where he's crouched. There's a desire to touch the chicken, or Dextera, or both, but he's ignoring that because he doesn't want to interrupt this moment. It's weird. He's trying not to think about it at all.]
Does she have a name?
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though the lobster did get eaten. ]
...?
[ he shakes his head, and pats her back. she clucks gently, closing her eyes against his warm hand.
she has no name yet, but he’s been mulling over a few things—some of them food-related, some religious. it’s hard to decide! ]
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[He's already attached, so there's no extra harm in it. If anything, he thinks Dextera would enjoy the process. He's not sure if him saying the chicken doesn't have a name means he doesn't plan on it or is just still thinking about it, but Guren says it anyway, just in case.
He shifts, moving to sit instead of just crouch here, so it's more comfortable. But he's still just watching, letting his gaze go unfocused as he does. Soft chicken and soft boy interacting while Guren watches... it seems about right.]
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he smiles, and he wants to pull her into his lap, but he decides against it and looks to guren instead—tilting his head, inviting guren to give some suggestions.
how’s your naming sense, guren??? ]
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[ She seems the best one to name things. Uh, but that doesn’t help here, and he considers it some more. ] Think of something that you’d connect with her. It doesn’t have to be meaningful, really.
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it’s hard to say. angel seems a little on the nose, but it’s the kind of name that people end up with, where he’s from. even ‘dextera’ is a name given to him because he was on the right, and for no other reason.
he wants to give a special name to this chicken, even if guren says it doesn’t have to meaningful. ]
...
[ his hand stills, in petting her, and he reaches for guren’s hand, too, in order to suggest a name and get guren’s opinion on it.
L-E-L-I-E-L.
a pretentious name for a pretentious religious scholar with his sweet chicken. ]
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[ Guren from his cult religion family doesn’t really know what that is, but he’s sure Dextera put some sort of meaning into it. He seems the type. Even if it’s a chicken. ]
Even if you can’t call out to her, it doesn’t feel right leaving something you care about without a name. It’s too impersonal. Does it feel better?
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he nods, glad to have the approval, and he finally, gently as before, takes the chicken to settle into his lap. it does feel better to have named her, no matter how often he will or won’t say her name.
she rests in the nook between his legs, and dextera leans back to give her room and offer guren a chance to pet her. ]
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Trying to play it casual!!]
Does she get along with Spot? [He thinks that was the big bird's name...]
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...
[ dextera is so contentedly regarding this scene that he almost forgets to answer guren's question, and then he blinks—and nods, a little more emphatic than usual. spot has adopted every single one of these chickens as his own, so it's really like dextera is co-parenting with a chocobo. ]
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[Quiet words, like he's dreaming. That's what it feels like, at least. His fingers brush more over the feathers as the chicken just accepts it, and he selfishly takes the enjoyment of that for a few seconds longer before he pulls his hand back.]
Sorry for calling you over like that. [He says it so out of nowhere, even if his volume hasn't really changed. He's still just looking at the chicken, though.] I don't know what I was thinking.
[Well, obviously the problem wasn't giving Dextera his little present.]
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immediately, dextera's expression turns from near-childish excitement to something more serious, more familiar on his face as he regards guren's apology.
he didn't know, of course, that guren was working on all these things in a mad scientist lab under his basement—and while he appreciates the heart potion, the rest of it unsettles him. it would have unsettled him, even if guren hadn't swallowed down that excruciating drug in front of dextera. it was just a quick worry, rather than a slow burn of wondering if guren was okay.
dextera shakes his head, ever accepting of the things that others do. ]
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You always react like that. [It's what bothers him the most, he thinks. It's weighing heavy on him, and he can't reverse it. In fact, even this conversation is bringing things down, but even if bringing this up does absolutely nothing to stop it like he thinks, he still has to try.
It means he's putting his head down, his face in his hand, focusing on composure.]
It's not okay. You don't have to sit there and say it's okay when it upset you. What kind of an ass do you think that makes me? [Ugh...!! He's a bad friend!!] Just let me apologize, damn it.
[That was probably supposed to come out with more spirit, but it just sounds pathetic.]
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there are times when it seems like he can express his true feelings, but at the end of the day, what he knows is to just accept the burdens laid upon his shoulders, whether they're self-inflicted or someone else's suffering. it was easy to get angry at guren for not taking care of himself, but this is a little different. this feels like dextera's problem, and he's not good at allowing himself to open up about those things.
it's hard to accept an apology when he feels the weight of sin at all times, for all things. and yet... he doesn't know how, but he doesn't want guren to hurt for this either. he's petrified, for a moment, and he stares down at the animal in his lap instead of looking at guren. ]
...
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He can't do anything. He's not going to be able to forgive himself for a number of things, now, and adding more for Dextera to worry about is one of those things, obviously. Shouldn't he know that the weight of a world's fate is enough??]
I'm sorry. [One more pathetic attempt... to get it through...]
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...
[ gently, so as to not disturb her, he places the chicken back in her little nest and she is content to move without complaint. then, with that same gentleness, dextera reaches out—hesitating only for a moment—and touches guren's shoulder.
he doesn't know what to do, but he can't stand to see guren in pain. is this accepting an apology? he doesn't know. there's no apology to be made, in his view.
and yet... ]
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Even when he wants company, when he feels the most lonely and it seems like there's someone who can be there with him... he has to consider whether it's right. For most people, friendship like that is just part of everything. But for him, does he deserve it at all? He doesn't think so.
He's not crying, but everything about his body language says he should be. He drops his hand away from his face and rests it on Dextera's knee, instead, refusing to lean any closer, but not quite pulling away, either. He just needs a few moments to make sure the tears don't try to come out. He's feeling too weak right now.]
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...
[ he covers guren’s hand on his knee, and he lets the two of them sit there in silence for a moment—just touching, just enjoying the company for some measure of enjoyment. it’s not just the drugs—it’s everything, this past week, and even if guren’s color is back he’s still obviously hurting.
slowly, he inches his fingers under guren’s, so that he can write a message that he hopes is something. enough. at least a little bit.
S-A-F-E.
a reminder, in a way, but he’s telling guren, too—dextera is safe. guren is safe. this place, between them, is safe, and their friendship is unbreakably safe as well.
maybe not all of that comes across specifically, but it’s his expression, too: peaceful, in consideration, and now he really is accepting guren’s apology the way that god forgives the faults of everyone around her. he’s channeling some of that warmth, slowly, soothingly writing out the letters that matter less than his manner. ]
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It's enough to get him to lift his head, letting out a breath like a laugh as if that'll excuse his teary eyes. But he blinks that away quickly enough, staring at their hands. Safe.
That's right. They're safe. As simple as that, his worries are knocked back, and he's calmed down for the moment.]
Yeah. We're safe. [Everything is safe, and he wants to keep it that way. He hopes he can. He curls his fingers gently to squeeze at Dextera's hand. He wants to move on, just like that, but this is going to take a little bit more. So, still holding their hands, he turns enough to lean and rest his forehead on Dextera's shoulder.]
You sure you don't just want to punch me? [It's a joke, he swears... it is helping him relax]
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what else could matter? ]
...heh.
[ the softest laugh! and he’s tilting his head just enough to rest against guren’s, his heart full of a warmth he doesn’t know how to explain.
things haven’t been easy for either of them for long since they got here, but now, in this interstice of peace, he can appreciate what they have. how important it is to him. ]
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He enjoys this for a long moment, taking deep breaths and just appreciating the closeness, the warmth, until his forehead feels like it's getting a red mark and he's sure Dextera's shoulder can't feel all too comfortable. He sits back up, rubbing at his forehead with a quiet laugh of his own, glancing back at the sleeping chicken.
Again, he reaches over to pet its feathers.]
Thanks. [For everything.]
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...
[ he shakes his head, but this one isn’t intended as a true protest. it’s more a natural reaction to guren’s gratitude than any real answer—what he really says, mouthing it again since he knows that guren knows, is something like friends.
he gestures from guren’s heart to his, and smiles. ]
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