[ howl seems well. dextera doesn’t know what to think about that. even now that the pleroma has settled somewhere near the bottom of his rational mind, no longer pushing him in a desperate escape from the kenoma, he can’t think he’s made a mistake. he just doesn’t know what that means for the other side, when they’re opposed enough to clash with violence. ]
…
[ dextera is quiet in both mind and sound for a moment, at howl’s question. the nickname is kind; it feels personal. the name he’s given to others isn’t really his own, but he understands the value in being called something for consistency among others.
the silence continues for a beat longer, and then: ]
They named me Dextera. You can call me whatever you want.
[ It echoes in Howl's head. His first impulse is to say that it's a good name for him, but the equivocal manner in which Dextera introduced himself hints at a complicated history between Dextera and his own name. Howl understands — he renamed himself, that's how much he understands. ]
[ dextera can sense a little of that understanding. whether it’s the psychic connection or true empathy, he appreciates that howl finds a reason to continue using the kind nickname.
he’s quiet in response to that kindness, and the offer that’s being presented to him. with the knowledge of what’s going on, dextera will have to carry that on to someone else and do something about it—strange, how he suddenly wishes the archangel were here to guide him, despite all their differences. he wonders where the archangel would be right now. ]
[ Yes, it probably is dangerous. At least to some degree. It's debatable whether telling the Pleroma what's happened since they arrived counts as 'assisting' them in any way — in Howl's mind, they should know how well-provided for they are here, especially when he as no idea if the Pleroma are doing okay or not. And it's not like he's going to tell them about any future plans. ]
After you lot escaped, they packed up camp and took us to a boat waiting in the river. After a day and a half voyage, we arrived in the Regent's capital. It's called Achamoth.
[ No point in answering Dextera's concern over his safety. He's already risking a conversation with him as it is. ]
Quite a harrowing place... The architecture is very strange. But as soon as we arrived, the locals began to practically worship us. These people really see Aions like... gods, almost.
[ howl’s lack of answer to the question tells dextera that it is, but the contents of his response also suggest there’s so much more to what’s going on that ‘dangerous’ doesn’t quite cover the delicate complexity of the situation.
he frowns. ]
Do you like it?
[ that’s the best thing he can think to ask; he can learn more from howl’s judgment than an objective account of their circumstances. ]
[ A pause, silent and thoughtless, as he considers the question in earnest. Does he? ]
... it's no replacement for all I've lost.
[ Ultimately, no, he does not like it. He'd much rather go home, but that goes without saying, nevermind being impossible. ]
But... we are being well provided for. No bed rolls, no stale bread. Plenty of everything one could need. We're even allowed to pick out servants. It's all a bit too much, even for me, but...
[ Talking about this is making him worry about Dextera and the others again. He wishes he could ask more about how they are, but even if Dextera was willing to, Howl knows he shouldn't. Because... ]
It's not the city that worries me.
The day after we arrived, the Regent invited us to a dinner with them. Invite not being the right word — it wasn't optional.
the idea worries dextera. he wonders who the servants are, how they ended up in the service of the regent. maybe they’re happy in their loyalty, or maybe they were unwillingly subjugated as the escapees nearly were. and with that final comment, the thinly disguised demand for dinner, dextera is starting to paint a picture of what would await them if they decided this life was not the one they wanted. ]
[ The change in topic seems to affect Howl immediately. His internal voice feels heavier, somehow. Truthfully, he's wanted to voice his anxieties over the Regent for days now... but the nature of the anxieties themselves made it difficult to do so with another Kenoma. ]
He, or she, is difficult to describe. Another person might give you a very different answer.
[ One not so tainted with Howl's deep sense of unease, although he finds it hard to image someone not being at least a little put off by them. Even those who seem to be his immediate pets. ]
The Regent showed up wearing a mask that obscured not just their face, but their entire head. When they speak, it isn't with one voice. It's more like many voices, both male and female, all talking in unison. And while mny minutes passed at the dinner without the Regent addressing me directly, I somehow felt their eyes on me the entire time. That has to be impossible, with how intensely their conversation with the others got at points, and yet...
[ Could it be something like their voice - multiple gazes looking at everyone at the same time, in unison? Or was that feeling just a manifestation of Howl's fear? ]
...They scolded me, and several of the others, for not doing more to stop you. But it seems your escape from the chamber was by their design as well, to test us. In hindsight, that teleportation spell was very convenient, wasn't it.
[ dextera had been one of the first privy to the rules of the ritual, following abel’s initial instruction, but he hadn’t learned it directly from xishen. to hear that it was planned, that it was all orchestrated as a test of loyalty—surprisingly, anger flares in dextera’s chest, burning at his jaw before he swallows it down.
he has the luxury of being angry about it, but there’s nothing he can do on his own. not in this state. he lays his hand over his heart, willing it to stop beating so ferociously in his frustration. ]
I see.
[ he says, with his anger mostly—but not completely—suppressed. it’s the first time he’s shown it to howl. ]
[ What was that? Anger...? Howl heard it, and as quiet as it was, he could still recognize it. Had Dextera truly believed their escape to be some sort of organic victory, to be credited to nobody but the Pleroma and Xishen? It seems naive to Howl — but, he too had not recognized the test for what it was until it was revealed to be so at the dinner. He can't judge Dextera for not realizing it.
He lets the moment pass, at least for now. There are other, related questions he's been meaning to ask his new friend, but the conversation is not quite there yet. ]
I don't know. There seems to be little keeping us here, strictly speaking.
[ That's not the point, though, and here comes the rub. Howl sits on his bed, collecting his poise. ]
But... please, don't misunderstand.
Despite what I've told you, I don't want to leave.
[ There's no point. And while it isn't his aim to upset Dextera, this is something that he feels he must remind him. ]
[ dextera anticipated it, but a part of him had futilely hoped that howl would recognize the impending—existing—subjugation for what it is and find rebellion in his heart. but it’s a lot to ask of anyone. he knows that perfectly well, coming from a world under the thumb of the archangel even from his impaled body at the bottom of the tower.
if the regent is as howl has described, no one will escape. it’s impossible. the fear of it settles over dextera like a blanket of ice. even without saying a word, even despite their opposing alignments, the strength of his complex emotions filters through the open connection. it’s fear more than betrayal or anger this time, with the pained acknowledgement that the next time he sees howl, it will not be under peaceful circumstances. howl will not be allowed to let him get away without great personal risk.
his thoughts turn over in this silence, but all he says when he decides to speak is one simple question. ]
[ It isn't clear whether the mix of emotion is being conveyed to him by accident, or is merely part of the blurry half-words that constitute Dextera's communion discourse. Howl does not answer for a moment as he contemplates the complexity of Dextera's feelings. A tiny voice in the back of his head asks a tiny question: why? friends or not, why does his man care this much about his fate? before Howl stuffs it away to ignore.
What good is there in going over all of this again? They already argued over it once, if you could call it an argument. Dextera can more easily communicate with him now, but Howl is not interested in a more in-depth lecture on why he should have rejected the Kenoma. None of the people here can understand his grief, much less the fact that it has nowhere to go inside his heartless chest. The anguish that Howl suffers as a result may not be as deep as other Aions', but its acute manifestation is unlike anyone else's. Howl, who has not experienced normal emotions since he was a child, who lost the chance to learn how to deal with emotions like an adult, can only assume he's the most miserable person here.
He sighs. No, what's the point in answering that question fully and truthfully? At the end of it all, the Kenoma is still right. There's nothing. Nothing left for him. ]
You already know my answer. [ His response is accompanied with a clear sense of resignation. ]
I would hear you tell me why you refuse to acknowledge the truth, little bird, if you would tell me. In your own words.
[ maybe that’s what he needs. it’s more than simply justifying the decision to howl—he needs to justify it to himself, too. his time as the person he is now has been marked by fear, pain, guilt, and the archangel before the regent offered him a way out in the form of a new world. he rejected it once, and that minor act of making a decision has carried him to this place now. ]
…
[ dextera is quiet on purpose, conveying a sense of sincere thought to howl as he turns his shard over in his hands. the shape of it is familiar, even if he can’t read it the same way he was once able to read the cores of those around him. he wonders what howl’s core would look like. if he broke howl down to his barest essentials, devoid of the trappings of existing in a world where he needs to grow to adapt, what would he find?
it’s not a question he wants to answer. ]
I don’t care about the world. I don’t want to touch it. It’s easier to just keep living in the one we have. And… [ a tiny flare of that anger again, though his “voice” gets softer. ] I’m tired of people telling me what to do. They’re using me.
[ That might have been the most effective way of putting it, when justifying the decision to Howl specifically. There's nothing Howl hates more than being told what to do, than being a pawn of someone else, than having his freedom taken away from him. When worded this way, Howl feels as if he's considering this point for the very first time. And he has no comeback to it. Although it does not override Howl's particular apathy, it's the most valid reason for siding with the Pleroma that he's heard yet. ]
Is that part of the story behind those many deaths of yours?
[ As blunt as the question is, he asks it gently. He won't mind if Dextera refuses to answer, but it's something he's wanted to ask ever since he had enough mental clarity to wonder what all of that back in the ritual chamber was exactly. ]
I myself used you back then.
[ Howl doesn't go so far as to say "I'm sorry" out loud, but his tone is apologetic as he admits to it. ]
[ the question raises some of dextera’s defenses, but it’s a natural response to hearing things about himself that he hasn’t explicitly shared. however, back in the cavern, they had all been brought low and their experiences were blown wide open for anyone to learn, with or without permission. he’s surprised howl recalls anything he saw in that state, but it’s also not so strange for those deaths to have left an impact. ]
It’s okay. I let you.
[ he responds to howl’s ‘apology’ first, still considering how much he wants to acknowledge his endless deaths. soon, though, he decides he might as well. ]
…you were taking what I already had to give. But I didn’t suffer through all those deaths because I wanted to. I had no choice.
[ Howl is trying to understand, but it's hard when he has no context for all those deaths. How could a human die more than once, nevermind that many times? Or is Dextera not a human at all...? ]
Little bird... After everything you've suffered, I don't understand how you resisted for so long. How you continue to resist.
[ He isn't asking for an explanation again, but trying to explain himself and the invasive questions. ]
The new world we make doesn't have to be like that. It won't be like that.
[ dextera shakes his head, although howl can’t see it. the response is practically reflexive to the mere idea of a new world. he doesn’t want it. he doesn’t need it. ]
Someone I know said the same thing. I died to fulfill his dreams of a new world. I’m tired of death.
[ that’s his explanation, even if it’s a little hard to parse with dextera’s stilted answers—a man not unlike the regent has orchestrated dextera’s endless deaths, and dextera recognizes those aspirations. in his mind, running away is merely sparing himself more pain. ]
Create it if you want. But leave me out of it, please.
[ So that's it then. Howl can sense the decisive conviction in Dextera's words. Although he hadn't meant to try to convince him again to accept the Kenoma, they've retread the same ground in the course of their talk, and Dextera's answer is the same. ]
As eager as I am to leave civilians and the unwilling out of this... I fear that it's already too late for that, my friend.
[ The Pleroma can't keep themselves out of this. And Howl knows that he cannot keep himself completely out of it either. Some way or another, this is everyone's problem; the Regent will make sure of that at a minimum, and their respective comrades are likely to as well, whether intentionally or not.
As much as Howl tries to acknowledge it matter-of-factly, the concern behind his words is apparent. Dextera can hear him sigh, as if it were a word. ]
If I see you again, I'll do what I can. I can promise you that much.
[ howl is kind, but the fact remains. they’re enemies. maybe dextera should once again treat himself as the kind of person who would strangle men to get what he wants, and he would be able to face howl without remorse—but in this world, there’s nothing he wants. it can’t be granted because it doesn’t exist. the lack of desire makes it harder for him to justify a fight. ]
…
[ dextera sighs too. ]
I’ve killed as many people as I’ve died myself. Please don’t engage me. I don’t want to hurt you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
…
[ dextera is quiet in both mind and sound for a moment, at howl’s question. the nickname is kind; it feels personal. the name he’s given to others isn’t really his own, but he understands the value in being called something for consistency among others.
the silence continues for a beat longer, and then: ]
They named me Dextera. You can call me whatever you want.
1/2
[ It echoes in Howl's head. His first impulse is to say that it's a good name for him, but the equivocal manner in which Dextera introduced himself hints at a complicated history between Dextera and his own name. Howl understands — he renamed himself, that's how much he understands. ]
Alright. Little bird, then.
no subject
I'll tell you, if you care to hear it. I think you and the others should know.
no subject
he’s quiet in response to that kindness, and the offer that’s being presented to him. with the knowledge of what’s going on, dextera will have to carry that on to someone else and do something about it—strange, how he suddenly wishes the archangel were here to guide him, despite all their differences. he wonders where the archangel would be right now. ]
Is it dangerous? For you?
no subject
After you lot escaped, they packed up camp and took us to a boat waiting in the river. After a day and a half voyage, we arrived in the Regent's capital. It's called Achamoth.
[ No point in answering Dextera's concern over his safety. He's already risking a conversation with him as it is. ]
Quite a harrowing place... The architecture is very strange. But as soon as we arrived, the locals began to practically worship us. These people really see Aions like... gods, almost.
no subject
he frowns. ]
Do you like it?
[ that’s the best thing he can think to ask; he can learn more from howl’s judgment than an objective account of their circumstances. ]
no subject
[ A pause, silent and thoughtless, as he considers the question in earnest. Does he? ]
... it's no replacement for all I've lost.
[ Ultimately, no, he does not like it. He'd much rather go home, but that goes without saying, nevermind being impossible. ]
But... we are being well provided for. No bed rolls, no stale bread. Plenty of everything one could need. We're even allowed to pick out servants. It's all a bit too much, even for me, but...
[ Talking about this is making him worry about Dextera and the others again. He wishes he could ask more about how they are, but even if Dextera was willing to, Howl knows he shouldn't. Because... ]
It's not the city that worries me.
The day after we arrived, the Regent invited us to a dinner with them. Invite not being the right word — it wasn't optional.
no subject
the idea worries dextera. he wonders who the servants are, how they ended up in the service of the regent. maybe they’re happy in their loyalty, or maybe they were unwillingly subjugated as the escapees nearly were. and with that final comment, the thinly disguised demand for dinner, dextera is starting to paint a picture of what would await them if they decided this life was not the one they wanted. ]
…
[ he closes his eyes. ]
Who is the Regent? …what are they like?
no subject
He, or she, is difficult to describe. Another person might give you a very different answer.
[ One not so tainted with Howl's deep sense of unease, although he finds it hard to image someone not being at least a little put off by them. Even those who seem to be his immediate pets. ]
The Regent showed up wearing a mask that obscured not just their face, but their entire head. When they speak, it isn't with one voice. It's more like many voices, both male and female, all talking in unison. And while mny minutes passed at the dinner without the Regent addressing me directly, I somehow felt their eyes on me the entire time. That has to be impossible, with how intensely their conversation with the others got at points, and yet...
[ Could it be something like their voice - multiple gazes looking at everyone at the same time, in unison? Or was that feeling just a manifestation of Howl's fear? ]
...They scolded me, and several of the others, for not doing more to stop you. But it seems your escape from the chamber was by their design as well, to test us. In hindsight, that teleportation spell was very convenient, wasn't it.
no subject
[ dextera had been one of the first privy to the rules of the ritual, following abel’s initial instruction, but he hadn’t learned it directly from xishen. to hear that it was planned, that it was all orchestrated as a test of loyalty—surprisingly, anger flares in dextera’s chest, burning at his jaw before he swallows it down.
he has the luxury of being angry about it, but there’s nothing he can do on his own. not in this state. he lays his hand over his heart, willing it to stop beating so ferociously in his frustration. ]
I see.
[ he says, with his anger mostly—but not completely—suppressed. it’s the first time he’s shown it to howl. ]
You can’t leave.
no subject
[ What was that? Anger...? Howl heard it, and as quiet as it was, he could still recognize it. Had Dextera truly believed their escape to be some sort of organic victory, to be credited to nobody but the Pleroma and Xishen? It seems naive to Howl — but, he too had not recognized the test for what it was until it was revealed to be so at the dinner. He can't judge Dextera for not realizing it.
He lets the moment pass, at least for now. There are other, related questions he's been meaning to ask his new friend, but the conversation is not quite there yet. ]
I don't know. There seems to be little keeping us here, strictly speaking.
[ That's not the point, though, and here comes the rub. Howl sits on his bed, collecting his poise. ]
But... please, don't misunderstand.
Despite what I've told you, I don't want to leave.
[ There's no point. And while it isn't his aim to upset Dextera, this is something that he feels he must remind him. ]
no subject
if the regent is as howl has described, no one will escape. it’s impossible. the fear of it settles over dextera like a blanket of ice. even without saying a word, even despite their opposing alignments, the strength of his complex emotions filters through the open connection. it’s fear more than betrayal or anger this time, with the pained acknowledgement that the next time he sees howl, it will not be under peaceful circumstances. howl will not be allowed to let him get away without great personal risk.
his thoughts turn over in this silence, but all he says when he decides to speak is one simple question. ]
Why not?
no subject
What good is there in going over all of this again? They already argued over it once, if you could call it an argument. Dextera can more easily communicate with him now, but Howl is not interested in a more in-depth lecture on why he should have rejected the Kenoma. None of the people here can understand his grief, much less the fact that it has nowhere to go inside his heartless chest. The anguish that Howl suffers as a result may not be as deep as other Aions', but its acute manifestation is unlike anyone else's. Howl, who has not experienced normal emotions since he was a child, who lost the chance to learn how to deal with emotions like an adult, can only assume he's the most miserable person here.
He sighs. No, what's the point in answering that question fully and truthfully? At the end of it all, the Kenoma is still right. There's nothing. Nothing left for him. ]
You already know my answer. [ His response is accompanied with a clear sense of resignation. ]
I would hear you tell me why you refuse to acknowledge the truth, little bird, if you would tell me. In your own words.
no subject
…
[ dextera is quiet on purpose, conveying a sense of sincere thought to howl as he turns his shard over in his hands. the shape of it is familiar, even if he can’t read it the same way he was once able to read the cores of those around him. he wonders what howl’s core would look like. if he broke howl down to his barest essentials, devoid of the trappings of existing in a world where he needs to grow to adapt, what would he find?
it’s not a question he wants to answer. ]
I don’t care about the world. I don’t want to touch it. It’s easier to just keep living in the one we have. And… [ a tiny flare of that anger again, though his “voice” gets softer. ] I’m tired of people telling me what to do. They’re using me.
no subject
Is that part of the story behind those many deaths of yours?
[ As blunt as the question is, he asks it gently. He won't mind if Dextera refuses to answer, but it's something he's wanted to ask ever since he had enough mental clarity to wonder what all of that back in the ritual chamber was exactly. ]
I myself used you back then.
[ Howl doesn't go so far as to say "I'm sorry" out loud, but his tone is apologetic as he admits to it. ]
no subject
It’s okay. I let you.
[ he responds to howl’s ‘apology’ first, still considering how much he wants to acknowledge his endless deaths. soon, though, he decides he might as well. ]
…you were taking what I already had to give. But I didn’t suffer through all those deaths because I wanted to. I had no choice.
no subject
[ Howl is trying to understand, but it's hard when he has no context for all those deaths. How could a human die more than once, nevermind that many times? Or is Dextera not a human at all...? ]
Little bird... After everything you've suffered, I don't understand how you resisted for so long. How you continue to resist.
[ He isn't asking for an explanation again, but trying to explain himself and the invasive questions. ]
The new world we make doesn't have to be like that. It won't be like that.
no subject
Someone I know said the same thing. I died to fulfill his dreams of a new world. I’m tired of death.
[ that’s his explanation, even if it’s a little hard to parse with dextera’s stilted answers—a man not unlike the regent has orchestrated dextera’s endless deaths, and dextera recognizes those aspirations. in his mind, running away is merely sparing himself more pain. ]
Create it if you want. But leave me out of it, please.
no subject
As eager as I am to leave civilians and the unwilling out of this... I fear that it's already too late for that, my friend.
[ The Pleroma can't keep themselves out of this. And Howl knows that he cannot keep himself completely out of it either. Some way or another, this is everyone's problem; the Regent will make sure of that at a minimum, and their respective comrades are likely to as well, whether intentionally or not.
As much as Howl tries to acknowledge it matter-of-factly, the concern behind his words is apparent. Dextera can hear him sigh, as if it were a word. ]
If I see you again, I'll do what I can. I can promise you that much.
no subject
…
[ dextera sighs too. ]
I’ve killed as many people as I’ve died myself. Please don’t engage me. I don’t want to hurt you.
no subject
[ There being little else that Howl wants to say at the moment, he gets up and adds one final remark before setting his Shard back in his chest. ]
Take care.