[ It isn't clear whether the mix of emotion is being conveyed to him by accident, or is merely part of the blurry half-words that constitute Dextera's communion discourse. Howl does not answer for a moment as he contemplates the complexity of Dextera's feelings. A tiny voice in the back of his head asks a tiny question: why? friends or not, why does his man care this much about his fate? before Howl stuffs it away to ignore.
What good is there in going over all of this again? They already argued over it once, if you could call it an argument. Dextera can more easily communicate with him now, but Howl is not interested in a more in-depth lecture on why he should have rejected the Kenoma. None of the people here can understand his grief, much less the fact that it has nowhere to go inside his heartless chest. The anguish that Howl suffers as a result may not be as deep as other Aions', but its acute manifestation is unlike anyone else's. Howl, who has not experienced normal emotions since he was a child, who lost the chance to learn how to deal with emotions like an adult, can only assume he's the most miserable person here.
He sighs. No, what's the point in answering that question fully and truthfully? At the end of it all, the Kenoma is still right. There's nothing. Nothing left for him. ]
You already know my answer. [ His response is accompanied with a clear sense of resignation. ]
I would hear you tell me why you refuse to acknowledge the truth, little bird, if you would tell me. In your own words.
[ maybe that’s what he needs. it’s more than simply justifying the decision to howl—he needs to justify it to himself, too. his time as the person he is now has been marked by fear, pain, guilt, and the archangel before the regent offered him a way out in the form of a new world. he rejected it once, and that minor act of making a decision has carried him to this place now. ]
…
[ dextera is quiet on purpose, conveying a sense of sincere thought to howl as he turns his shard over in his hands. the shape of it is familiar, even if he can’t read it the same way he was once able to read the cores of those around him. he wonders what howl’s core would look like. if he broke howl down to his barest essentials, devoid of the trappings of existing in a world where he needs to grow to adapt, what would he find?
it’s not a question he wants to answer. ]
I don’t care about the world. I don’t want to touch it. It’s easier to just keep living in the one we have. And… [ a tiny flare of that anger again, though his “voice” gets softer. ] I’m tired of people telling me what to do. They’re using me.
[ That might have been the most effective way of putting it, when justifying the decision to Howl specifically. There's nothing Howl hates more than being told what to do, than being a pawn of someone else, than having his freedom taken away from him. When worded this way, Howl feels as if he's considering this point for the very first time. And he has no comeback to it. Although it does not override Howl's particular apathy, it's the most valid reason for siding with the Pleroma that he's heard yet. ]
Is that part of the story behind those many deaths of yours?
[ As blunt as the question is, he asks it gently. He won't mind if Dextera refuses to answer, but it's something he's wanted to ask ever since he had enough mental clarity to wonder what all of that back in the ritual chamber was exactly. ]
I myself used you back then.
[ Howl doesn't go so far as to say "I'm sorry" out loud, but his tone is apologetic as he admits to it. ]
[ the question raises some of dextera’s defenses, but it’s a natural response to hearing things about himself that he hasn’t explicitly shared. however, back in the cavern, they had all been brought low and their experiences were blown wide open for anyone to learn, with or without permission. he’s surprised howl recalls anything he saw in that state, but it’s also not so strange for those deaths to have left an impact. ]
It’s okay. I let you.
[ he responds to howl’s ‘apology’ first, still considering how much he wants to acknowledge his endless deaths. soon, though, he decides he might as well. ]
…you were taking what I already had to give. But I didn’t suffer through all those deaths because I wanted to. I had no choice.
[ Howl is trying to understand, but it's hard when he has no context for all those deaths. How could a human die more than once, nevermind that many times? Or is Dextera not a human at all...? ]
Little bird... After everything you've suffered, I don't understand how you resisted for so long. How you continue to resist.
[ He isn't asking for an explanation again, but trying to explain himself and the invasive questions. ]
The new world we make doesn't have to be like that. It won't be like that.
[ dextera shakes his head, although howl can’t see it. the response is practically reflexive to the mere idea of a new world. he doesn’t want it. he doesn’t need it. ]
Someone I know said the same thing. I died to fulfill his dreams of a new world. I’m tired of death.
[ that’s his explanation, even if it’s a little hard to parse with dextera’s stilted answers—a man not unlike the regent has orchestrated dextera’s endless deaths, and dextera recognizes those aspirations. in his mind, running away is merely sparing himself more pain. ]
Create it if you want. But leave me out of it, please.
[ So that's it then. Howl can sense the decisive conviction in Dextera's words. Although he hadn't meant to try to convince him again to accept the Kenoma, they've retread the same ground in the course of their talk, and Dextera's answer is the same. ]
As eager as I am to leave civilians and the unwilling out of this... I fear that it's already too late for that, my friend.
[ The Pleroma can't keep themselves out of this. And Howl knows that he cannot keep himself completely out of it either. Some way or another, this is everyone's problem; the Regent will make sure of that at a minimum, and their respective comrades are likely to as well, whether intentionally or not.
As much as Howl tries to acknowledge it matter-of-factly, the concern behind his words is apparent. Dextera can hear him sigh, as if it were a word. ]
If I see you again, I'll do what I can. I can promise you that much.
[ howl is kind, but the fact remains. they’re enemies. maybe dextera should once again treat himself as the kind of person who would strangle men to get what he wants, and he would be able to face howl without remorse—but in this world, there’s nothing he wants. it can’t be granted because it doesn’t exist. the lack of desire makes it harder for him to justify a fight. ]
…
[ dextera sighs too. ]
I’ve killed as many people as I’ve died myself. Please don’t engage me. I don’t want to hurt you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
What good is there in going over all of this again? They already argued over it once, if you could call it an argument. Dextera can more easily communicate with him now, but Howl is not interested in a more in-depth lecture on why he should have rejected the Kenoma. None of the people here can understand his grief, much less the fact that it has nowhere to go inside his heartless chest. The anguish that Howl suffers as a result may not be as deep as other Aions', but its acute manifestation is unlike anyone else's. Howl, who has not experienced normal emotions since he was a child, who lost the chance to learn how to deal with emotions like an adult, can only assume he's the most miserable person here.
He sighs. No, what's the point in answering that question fully and truthfully? At the end of it all, the Kenoma is still right. There's nothing. Nothing left for him. ]
You already know my answer. [ His response is accompanied with a clear sense of resignation. ]
I would hear you tell me why you refuse to acknowledge the truth, little bird, if you would tell me. In your own words.
no subject
…
[ dextera is quiet on purpose, conveying a sense of sincere thought to howl as he turns his shard over in his hands. the shape of it is familiar, even if he can’t read it the same way he was once able to read the cores of those around him. he wonders what howl’s core would look like. if he broke howl down to his barest essentials, devoid of the trappings of existing in a world where he needs to grow to adapt, what would he find?
it’s not a question he wants to answer. ]
I don’t care about the world. I don’t want to touch it. It’s easier to just keep living in the one we have. And… [ a tiny flare of that anger again, though his “voice” gets softer. ] I’m tired of people telling me what to do. They’re using me.
no subject
Is that part of the story behind those many deaths of yours?
[ As blunt as the question is, he asks it gently. He won't mind if Dextera refuses to answer, but it's something he's wanted to ask ever since he had enough mental clarity to wonder what all of that back in the ritual chamber was exactly. ]
I myself used you back then.
[ Howl doesn't go so far as to say "I'm sorry" out loud, but his tone is apologetic as he admits to it. ]
no subject
It’s okay. I let you.
[ he responds to howl’s ‘apology’ first, still considering how much he wants to acknowledge his endless deaths. soon, though, he decides he might as well. ]
…you were taking what I already had to give. But I didn’t suffer through all those deaths because I wanted to. I had no choice.
no subject
[ Howl is trying to understand, but it's hard when he has no context for all those deaths. How could a human die more than once, nevermind that many times? Or is Dextera not a human at all...? ]
Little bird... After everything you've suffered, I don't understand how you resisted for so long. How you continue to resist.
[ He isn't asking for an explanation again, but trying to explain himself and the invasive questions. ]
The new world we make doesn't have to be like that. It won't be like that.
no subject
Someone I know said the same thing. I died to fulfill his dreams of a new world. I’m tired of death.
[ that’s his explanation, even if it’s a little hard to parse with dextera’s stilted answers—a man not unlike the regent has orchestrated dextera’s endless deaths, and dextera recognizes those aspirations. in his mind, running away is merely sparing himself more pain. ]
Create it if you want. But leave me out of it, please.
no subject
As eager as I am to leave civilians and the unwilling out of this... I fear that it's already too late for that, my friend.
[ The Pleroma can't keep themselves out of this. And Howl knows that he cannot keep himself completely out of it either. Some way or another, this is everyone's problem; the Regent will make sure of that at a minimum, and their respective comrades are likely to as well, whether intentionally or not.
As much as Howl tries to acknowledge it matter-of-factly, the concern behind his words is apparent. Dextera can hear him sigh, as if it were a word. ]
If I see you again, I'll do what I can. I can promise you that much.
no subject
…
[ dextera sighs too. ]
I’ve killed as many people as I’ve died myself. Please don’t engage me. I don’t want to hurt you.
no subject
[ There being little else that Howl wants to say at the moment, he gets up and adds one final remark before setting his Shard back in his chest. ]
Take care.