How so? You're safe to touch it, I assume because you can purify in the first place, but why can't I? Does that mean Asuka touching it was a bad thing?
[He recalls now, himself, the way Ryo had reacted. He had been so focused on Dextera that he hadn't taken it to mean much at the time, and now he's scolding himself for it.]
[ dextera doesn’t want to accuse guren of anything, when he can’t have known. it’s not his fault, since dextera let him touch his crystal, harmless except for its guilt and pain.
but he has to be honest. slowly, he nods, and goes to retrieve his laptop since it’ll take more than just writing on guren’s hand to communicate the problem here.
once he has it, he tries to be quick about his message. ]
It contains her essence. If you’re not expecting it, her feelings can overtake yours. I don’t know what it was she felt, but I don’t think it was good.
[Touch it, and be overtaken. Well, a demon doesn't have its own feelings, though, but it can use your feelings to take over. It's similar enough that Guren swears he'd be able to take it, but he doesn't see any need to test that right now.]
I'm sorry. That's my fault. I just assumed that since yours felt nice, the others would feel the same... [Pure, he remembers. It was just... warm? He covers his mouth, thinking.]
[ dextera doesn’t know what to make of this shift in the air that was already a little tense between them, and of course his natural assumption is that guren is still frustrated about this potion—dextera made a big mistake in taking it before consulting anyone else, after all, and now things are like this.
guren is mad at him. ]
...
[ asking him to stay now would only prolong this awkwardness, wouldn’t it? he knows that. he hates it, but he realizes it, even in his desperation to make things right. ]
I’m sorry.
[ and then he closes his laptop. what else is there to say? ]
[He can only assume his own personality and his yelling from earlier is why Dextera is apologizing again now. He doesn't know why that wasn't fixed by their conversation continuing, or his yelling stopping, but he's never been good with this. He moves his hand closer, gripping at Dextera's arm with a light, comforting squeeze. At least, it always feels like touch speaks better than his body language and words do.]
There's nothing for you to apologize for anymore.
[He gets it. Even the stupid decision earlier, that he'll accept the earlier apology for— even that, he understands. But it shouldn't linger. It doesn't have to, not with him. He wishes he could get that across.
That's part of what he's angry at himself with, too. He's the one with words, and he still can't manage to do everything he wants to. Now, he put Ryo in danger because he was distracted, and his worry about Dextera had left him panicked for 6 hours or so when his stable condition should have been enough to leave him alone. To not be here immediately when he woke up, but to be somewhere else, cooling off, so he wouldn't have to yell.]
Contact me if you need anything, even if it's just to talk. I won't be far from my laptop, probably.
there’s nothing that he can do that will ever be good enough, but the archangel relies on him again and again—and that’s the kind of thing that ruins a person, eventually. he has a job that he can’t seem to fulfill, and nothing works. nothing is good enough, no matter how kind the archangel’s smile is or how reassuring his words are.
they’re laced with such a hate that it makes dextera afraid, but then he asks dextera to stay, to make a new world with him, and dextera feels like he owes this man who is suffering because of him.
but he creates the wrong world, an endless selfish mistake, because he’s a foolish coward. guren has said none of this, and hasn’t even implied it, but dextera’s perceptions are inevitably shaped by all of this. he nods, slowly, still impossibly sorry—in a way guren may never understand—but willing to let it go for now.
[There's nothing he can do about that look Dextera has, but that's part of Guren's frustration with himself, too. If he's a friend, shouldn't he know the right thing to say, at the very least? But even that doesn't work.
Staying here isn't going to help. It might even make it worse, with what he's already done. Dextera can stay here and hug his chicken, and Guren can go back and see what he's got for work. Or think of other ways to balance his emotions, if they're feeling so unstable like this. It's dangerous, with his current situation.
So, he lifts his hand in a little wave as he turns and leaves, just like that.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He recalls now, himself, the way Ryo had reacted. He had been so focused on Dextera that he hadn't taken it to mean much at the time, and now he's scolding himself for it.]
no subject
[ dextera doesn’t want to accuse guren of anything, when he can’t have known. it’s not his fault, since dextera let him touch his crystal, harmless except for its guilt and pain.
but he has to be honest. slowly, he nods, and goes to retrieve his laptop since it’ll take more than just writing on guren’s hand to communicate the problem here.
once he has it, he tries to be quick about his message. ]
It contains her essence. If you’re not expecting it, her feelings can overtake yours. I don’t know what it was she felt, but I don’t think it was good.
Mine is special. Hers isn’t.
no subject
[Touch it, and be overtaken. Well, a demon doesn't have its own feelings, though, but it can use your feelings to take over. It's similar enough that Guren swears he'd be able to take it, but he doesn't see any need to test that right now.]
I'm sorry. That's my fault. I just assumed that since yours felt nice, the others would feel the same... [Pure, he remembers. It was just... warm? He covers his mouth, thinking.]
no subject
[ dextera starts to type something, but he quickly decides that it’s more than he’s willing to reveal right now and erases it. ]
I should have explained it earlier. I thought I could grab it.
[ and that’s true! he was clearly going to get it before he stumbled and fell, but his consciousness betrayed him. ]
no subject
But it wasn't relevant before, or you just didn't want to.
[He pushes the bottle back at him, gently but without holding back, and then looks to Leliel. He's been here for so long.]
It's fine. You can't change what's already happened, but you can work on it and look to the future, too.
[So, it'll all be fine, he's sure. He looks back at Dextera.]
You know where I am if you want to tell me anything else. Since you're fine now, I'm going to leave. [Abrupt...]
no subject
guren is mad at him. ]
...
[ asking him to stay now would only prolong this awkwardness, wouldn’t it? he knows that. he hates it, but he realizes it, even in his desperation to make things right. ]
I’m sorry.
[ and then he closes his laptop. what else is there to say? ]
no subject
There's nothing for you to apologize for anymore.
[He gets it. Even the stupid decision earlier, that he'll accept the earlier apology for— even that, he understands. But it shouldn't linger. It doesn't have to, not with him. He wishes he could get that across.
That's part of what he's angry at himself with, too. He's the one with words, and he still can't manage to do everything he wants to. Now, he put Ryo in danger because he was distracted, and his worry about Dextera had left him panicked for 6 hours or so when his stable condition should have been enough to leave him alone. To not be here immediately when he woke up, but to be somewhere else, cooling off, so he wouldn't have to yell.]
Contact me if you need anything, even if it's just to talk. I won't be far from my laptop, probably.
[He's got lots of notes on there.] Okay?
no subject
there’s nothing that he can do that will ever be good enough, but the archangel relies on him again and again—and that’s the kind of thing that ruins a person, eventually. he has a job that he can’t seem to fulfill, and nothing works. nothing is good enough, no matter how kind the archangel’s smile is or how reassuring his words are.
they’re laced with such a hate that it makes dextera afraid, but then he asks dextera to stay, to make a new world with him, and dextera feels like he owes this man who is suffering because of him.
but he creates the wrong world, an endless selfish mistake, because he’s a foolish coward. guren has said none of this, and hasn’t even implied it, but dextera’s perceptions are inevitably shaped by all of this. he nods, slowly, still impossibly sorry—in a way guren may never understand—but willing to let it go for now.
for now, it’s okay. ]
no subject
Staying here isn't going to help. It might even make it worse, with what he's already done. Dextera can stay here and hug his chicken, and Guren can go back and see what he's got for work. Or think of other ways to balance his emotions, if they're feeling so unstable like this. It's dangerous, with his current situation.
So, he lifts his hand in a little wave as he turns and leaves, just like that.]