[Oh... oh no. His heart sinks the moment he realizes that Dextera is worked up in some sort of guilt over nothing, and Guren crosses the space left between them to sit beside him, reaching to cover one of his hands with his own.]
No, Dex, you didn't—
[God, he's an idiot. He scrubs at his face with his free hand, frowning.]
You didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't trying to worry you.
[ if he didn’t do anything wrong, then why did guren send that message? it’s hard to shake the immediate impression that guren wanted to talk about something bad, and even if he did understand it as a good thing, he wouldn’t even know what to anticipate. ]
…
[ he swallows, nodding slowly as guren insists. then… ]
[There's no way to rip off a bandaid of sharing emotions than realizing you're stressing out your boyfriend, at least. He says it, now, and it almost sounds bold of him, if you didn't realize he's taken this long just to say it aloud. He squeezes his hand, looking at him as he goes on.]
There are too many things that I think but feel like I can't say. It's a burden on you when I admit how selfish I am. It makes me feel like you'll think you have to reply in a certain way, even though that's not what I want. But there's that quest, and I want you to know, too.
[It just took that extra push.]
I don't want you to go back to your world. I want you to come with me. I want us to stay together. I don't know what I'd do without you. I need you.
...But all of that sounds like I'm some kind of kid. [He hates it, his face is red in spots, the hand that was scrubbing it is still pressed halfway against the side of it and he's grimacing at himself.]
I know that loss is normal, but I don't want to lose this.
[ it is so utterly, completely the opposite of what dextera expected to hear that it takes his breath away, just for the oddity of it alone. he doesn’t understand at first—guren needs him? for what? for a quest, or for help with the defense force? ruva had asked him about it before, and…
this is the way his mind moves, until guren’s steady staring at him gets his attention back, and he realizes that this is different from before. it’s different from even “i love you,” that intimate moment between them that was so fleeting, so idyllic it could have been from a dream. guren needs him. not as two residents of the town, with duties and chores and quests, but as two people. together.
dextera touches his throat, completely uncertain all of the sudden, bereft of that anxiety, and the strange sense of security that comes with knowing you’re right about something terrible.
this is… ]
…
[ there’s that quest, he said. dextera doesn’t remember the wording, something about honest feelings, and he thought that everything had been shared between them that wasn’t too selfish to admit aloud—and then guren comes in with this. what does he say in response?
he doesn’t know. he doesn’t know, and it’s unbearable not to be able to get his thoughts in order long enough to respond with words. instead, he works his fingers under the place where guren is rubbing at his face to touch his heated cheek. he wants…
dextera wants something. he wants to say what his own feelings are, and to accept this strange, confusing proposal wholeheartedly. ]
[The silence makes him feel unbearably vulnerable. This— this is what he hates about opening up. The burning shame, the guilt, the uncertainty, feeling like he's doing nothing but causing problems. Dextera seems lost in thought, and Guren immediately worries for it. What kind of a strain did he put on him for this? Was it worth it, for a quest? Did he really have to say all of this?]
You don't have to say anything back.
[He decides to offer that, reluctantly dropping his hand away from his face now that Dextera's is there, but he turns it to the side slightly, still ashamed that his embarrassment is pretty clear.
He needs him. He really needs him, in ways that he can't describe to anyone, let alone to Dextera himself. But now it's there, desperate and horrible, and now Dextera is still kindly touching him like he always does. Sweet. Caring. More than Guren deserves. Way more.]
[ as soon as guren tries to pull away, if only verbally like that, dextera shakes his head—his touch grows more insistent, and he searches for eye contact, suddenly desperate. he doesn’t have words for all that he wants to say. it’s not that there’s nothing, or that this is a rejection. there’s just too much in his heart.
he told guren he didn’t know. it was a lie then, and it would be a lie now, to say that he’s not sure if he would take the opportunity to run away. it hurts so much, but guren makes it hurt less. ]
I—
[ he signs that with the one hand he has available, but it’s not enough, but he doesn’t want to stop touching guren, but.
he hesitates, and then quickly pulls his other hand away just so he can make his earnest entreaty before guren thinks he’s done something wrong in telling dextera his feelings. ]
I want to go with you. I hate that world.
[ his fingers are shaking. he doesn’t know what he wants to say, or how to sign it. ]
[The insistence in his touching makes Guren turn back, even if it's almost too much to bear. He can feel those emotions, even if he can't put his finger on what they mean, and then Dextera is signing completely and Guren watches. His eyes widen slightly in his surprise, his heart leaps and feels as if it gets stuck in his throat, and he almost doesn't know what to feel.
A fraction of guilt, still, for what he's wanting, what he's encouraging. But far more selfishness, desire. He wants Dextera to come with him, even if it's dangerous, even if things might go wrong, even if Dextera may never get his memories back, or solve that guilt of his own. Guren selfishly believes he can fix it himself. He wants to believe...
And Dextera wants to go with him too?]
Then I'll find a way to take you with me.
[That's all there is to it. He's not trembling or anything himself, but his voice sounds like it does a little there, actually. He reaches out to touch his own fingertips to Dextera's cheek, testing, quiet.]
[ dextera closes his eyes, slowing down when guren touches his cheek. his emotions are still raging inside him, and it feels like nothing he says will be able to communicate the depth of how much he wants out of the burden of his guilt, and how much he wants to go with guren and leave that life behind. it’s… unhealthy. it’s cruel, it’s mercenary, it’s self-centered. he knows, but he doesn’t care. ]
[He lets out a breath he was holding, shaky and emotional. His fingers trace further along Dextera's cheek, near his jaw, appreciative.]
Dextera...
[He thinks, in this moment, that Dextera's brother will probably hate him for this. Guren has no idea what he really wants for Dextera, and he thinks right after that he doesn't care what he wants, either. Dextera is his— that is to say, he wants him to be by his side, happy, doing what he wants. Away from the Archangel and everything else. There are people there that need help too, and he knows it, but he wants to push that away, even if the way Mahiru shifts inside of him is ominous.
How is it that someone who doesn't have his voice can be so much better at words than him, though? It's embarrassing.]
I need you. [He's just repeating the same thing, it's not enough at all, and his eyebrows furrow for it.] More than I can put to words. I'll take you with me, so don't go anywhere.
[ until they figure out a way to make it reality, these are all just nice words, a comfort and a fantasy that may never come true—but the instant it’s possible, dextera knows he won’t fight it. how could he? ]
…
[ he nods, slowly. he won’t go anywhere. he’ll follow guren to the ends of the earth and beyond the boundary of their universes, if he must. ]
[There's none of the hesitation that should be there in a place like this, where people turn to stone or vanish all the time. Instead, Guren is confident, determined, and his hand moves from Dextera's cheek to wrap around his shoulders, instead, pulling him into a hug.]
[ dextera will fight with everything he has to stay with guren, at least until they’ve figured out a way to get home of their own volition. a small, dark part of him would be happy to have them all right here in this town, but it’s enough for him too, to be able to go back with guren.
he easily falls into that hug, returning the embrace and breathing in deeply. he’ll remember this. guren’s scent, the feel of his body pressed to dextera’s, that desperate, unending desire to be together.
to be one. ]
…stay here.
[ overnight, he means. he doesn’t want guren to turn around and go home so soon. ]
[He's right here already, and he doesn't want to get up and move anyway. Holding him like this, he relaxes into their embrace, also enjoying the feeling of them pressed together.]
[ it’s hard to believe that dextera was worried about it, when this is the conclusion they’ve come to after all that. they love each other so much that they would tear down the boundaries of their worlds to be together, and dextera thought guren was going to leave him over… nothing. ]
…
[ dextera shakes his head, still buried against guren. all is forgiven, since there was nothing much to worry about in the first place. after a moment, he pulls back so he can actually look at guren. ]
[ It was completely serious to make sure Dextera heard this. It was his every feeling, the strongest parts, all there, bare and exposed. That’s serious! Especially for a guy who can’t even admit when he thinks someone isn’t annoying. His gaze slides to the side. ]
Anyway, it’s fine now, right? We’re together, and we’ll stay that way.
[ it is fine now. dextera buries his face again, just long enough to kiss whatever part of guren’s torso is closest to him, and then he moves, turning, until he’s settled with his back against guren’s chest—though he’s still very definitely in guren’s arms. ]
[ Ah... a kiss that warms him, and now he can warm Dextera in return, wrapping his arms around him from this new position and squeezing a little. It feels comfortable. It feels right. ]
Shut up, already... [ Saying embarrassing things like that. But Dextera doesn’t get half of the feigned annoyance that anyone else would. It’s soft, fond, and he’s busy tucking his face into Dextera’s neck and kissing him there. Sweet little kisses. ]
[ dextera can hear and feel his sincerity better than he’d be able to if he were looking at guren’s face, properly. he loves those little kisses, and now that his heart is starting to go back to normal after that intense, high-adrenaline conversation, he feels tired. relaxed, maybe.
he’s happy, right here. ]
I’m lucky!
[ he signs it again, with more fervor, and definitely a little humor. ]
[This cheeky punk!! Guren is grinning, though, as his arms shift and he grabs at Dextera's hands to capture them, re-wrapping them around him together.]
Who's lucky, huh?? [This time, when he kisses at his neck, he aims to tickle.]
[His grip loosens on Dextera's hands, so he can slip free whenever he wants, even as Guren keeps his arms wrapped around him in a snug hold. His kisses turn more gentle again, lingering, even if he purposefully exhales against that spot shortly after.]
[ dextera nods. his brother’s arrival had thoroughly taken him out of the mood for chess, ironically, but things have settled since then. he’s happier, more comfortable. he turns his head to press a kiss to whatever he can reach, and then he pulls away from guren. ]
[Not with anyone else, mind you. He's spent some time just imagining fake games in his head and playing against himself. Why can he do this? Why is he capable of this? He's the worst.]
Don't get cocky.
[He squeezes at Dextera's arm right as he pulls away, and then shifts to go find the chess board himself so he can get it set up.]
[ dextera smiles, too fond as he watches guren go to grab the chess board and set it up. he’s so in love… and this is why he doesn’t want the town to change at all. he wants to keep living out these days, doing quests and playing chess with guren for as long as he’s allowed. ]
[Well, they barely know each other, after all, and Guren just started assaulting him with words about his brother and his life. So. He can get it. He sets up the chessboard as he sits down.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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No, Dex, you didn't—
[God, he's an idiot. He scrubs at his face with his free hand, frowning.]
You didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't trying to worry you.
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[ if he didn’t do anything wrong, then why did guren send that message? it’s hard to shake the immediate impression that guren wanted to talk about something bad, and even if he did understand it as a good thing, he wouldn’t even know what to anticipate. ]
…
[ he swallows, nodding slowly as guren insists. then… ]
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[There's no way to rip off a bandaid of sharing emotions than realizing you're stressing out your boyfriend, at least. He says it, now, and it almost sounds bold of him, if you didn't realize he's taken this long just to say it aloud. He squeezes his hand, looking at him as he goes on.]
There are too many things that I think but feel like I can't say. It's a burden on you when I admit how selfish I am. It makes me feel like you'll think you have to reply in a certain way, even though that's not what I want. But there's that quest, and I want you to know, too.
[It just took that extra push.]
I don't want you to go back to your world. I want you to come with me. I want us to stay together. I don't know what I'd do without you. I need you.
...But all of that sounds like I'm some kind of kid. [He hates it, his face is red in spots, the hand that was scrubbing it is still pressed halfway against the side of it and he's grimacing at himself.]
I know that loss is normal, but I don't want to lose this.
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this is the way his mind moves, until guren’s steady staring at him gets his attention back, and he realizes that this is different from before. it’s different from even “i love you,” that intimate moment between them that was so fleeting, so idyllic it could have been from a dream. guren needs him. not as two residents of the town, with duties and chores and quests, but as two people. together.
dextera touches his throat, completely uncertain all of the sudden, bereft of that anxiety, and the strange sense of security that comes with knowing you’re right about something terrible.
this is… ]
…
[ there’s that quest, he said. dextera doesn’t remember the wording, something about honest feelings, and he thought that everything had been shared between them that wasn’t too selfish to admit aloud—and then guren comes in with this. what does he say in response?
he doesn’t know. he doesn’t know, and it’s unbearable not to be able to get his thoughts in order long enough to respond with words. instead, he works his fingers under the place where guren is rubbing at his face to touch his heated cheek. he wants…
dextera wants something. he wants to say what his own feelings are, and to accept this strange, confusing proposal wholeheartedly. ]
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You don't have to say anything back.
[He decides to offer that, reluctantly dropping his hand away from his face now that Dextera's is there, but he turns it to the side slightly, still ashamed that his embarrassment is pretty clear.
He needs him. He really needs him, in ways that he can't describe to anyone, let alone to Dextera himself. But now it's there, desperate and horrible, and now Dextera is still kindly touching him like he always does. Sweet. Caring. More than Guren deserves. Way more.]
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he told guren he didn’t know. it was a lie then, and it would be a lie now, to say that he’s not sure if he would take the opportunity to run away. it hurts so much, but guren makes it hurt less. ]
I—
[ he signs that with the one hand he has available, but it’s not enough, but he doesn’t want to stop touching guren, but.
he hesitates, and then quickly pulls his other hand away just so he can make his earnest entreaty before guren thinks he’s done something wrong in telling dextera his feelings. ]
I want to go with you. I hate that world.
[ his fingers are shaking. he doesn’t know what he wants to say, or how to sign it. ]
I treasure you far more.
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A fraction of guilt, still, for what he's wanting, what he's encouraging. But far more selfishness, desire. He wants Dextera to come with him, even if it's dangerous, even if things might go wrong, even if Dextera may never get his memories back, or solve that guilt of his own. Guren selfishly believes he can fix it himself. He wants to believe...
And Dextera wants to go with him too?]
Then I'll find a way to take you with me.
[That's all there is to it. He's not trembling or anything himself, but his voice sounds like it does a little there, actually. He reaches out to touch his own fingertips to Dextera's cheek, testing, quiet.]
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That world… will survive without me.
[ more carefully signed, but no less emotional. ]
I can’t survive without you.
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Dextera...
[He thinks, in this moment, that Dextera's brother will probably hate him for this. Guren has no idea what he really wants for Dextera, and he thinks right after that he doesn't care what he wants, either. Dextera is his— that is to say, he wants him to be by his side, happy, doing what he wants. Away from the Archangel and everything else. There are people there that need help too, and he knows it, but he wants to push that away, even if the way Mahiru shifts inside of him is ominous.
How is it that someone who doesn't have his voice can be so much better at words than him, though? It's embarrassing.]
I need you. [He's just repeating the same thing, it's not enough at all, and his eyebrows furrow for it.] More than I can put to words. I'll take you with me, so don't go anywhere.
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…
[ he nods, slowly. he won’t go anywhere. he’ll follow guren to the ends of the earth and beyond the boundary of their universes, if he must. ]
You can’t go anywhere either. Not without me.
[ dextera doesn’t want to be alone, ever again. ]
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[There's none of the hesitation that should be there in a place like this, where people turn to stone or vanish all the time. Instead, Guren is confident, determined, and his hand moves from Dextera's cheek to wrap around his shoulders, instead, pulling him into a hug.]
I'm not going anywhere without you.
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he easily falls into that hug, returning the embrace and breathing in deeply. he’ll remember this. guren’s scent, the feel of his body pressed to dextera’s, that desperate, unending desire to be together.
to be one. ]
…stay here.
[ overnight, he means. he doesn’t want guren to turn around and go home so soon. ]
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[He's right here already, and he doesn't want to get up and move anyway. Holding him like this, he relaxes into their embrace, also enjoying the feeling of them pressed together.]
...Sorry I worried you.
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…
[ dextera shakes his head, still buried against guren. all is forgiven, since there was nothing much to worry about in the first place. after a moment, he pulls back so he can actually look at guren. ]
It sounded… serious.
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[ It was completely serious to make sure Dextera heard this. It was his every feeling, the strongest parts, all there, bare and exposed. That’s serious! Especially for a guy who can’t even admit when he thinks someone isn’t annoying. His gaze slides to the side. ]
Anyway, it’s fine now, right? We’re together, and we’ll stay that way.
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I’m lucky.
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Shut up, already... [ Saying embarrassing things like that. But Dextera doesn’t get half of the feigned annoyance that anyone else would. It’s soft, fond, and he’s busy tucking his face into Dextera’s neck and kissing him there. Sweet little kisses. ]
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he’s happy, right here. ]
I’m lucky!
[ he signs it again, with more fervor, and definitely a little humor. ]
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[This cheeky punk!! Guren is grinning, though, as his arms shift and he grabs at Dextera's hands to capture them, re-wrapping them around him together.]
Who's lucky, huh?? [This time, when he kisses at his neck, he aims to tickle.]
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[ guren GOT HIM, and dextera can’t help but squirm when guren dives in to kiss his neck with such an intention.
it’s nice, albeit unexpected, that they can have moments like this too on the heels of something so heavy. ]
Heheh!
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I'm the lucky one, idiot. [Soooo there.]
Let's play some chess. It's been a while, right?
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I’ll win.
[ just so guren knows. ]
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[Not with anyone else, mind you. He's spent some time just imagining fake games in his head and playing against himself. Why can he do this? Why is he capable of this? He's the worst.]
Don't get cocky.
[He squeezes at Dextera's arm right as he pulls away, and then shifts to go find the chess board himself so he can get it set up.]
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You should play with big brother.
[ they made up, in case it isn’t obvious. ]
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[Well, they barely know each other, after all, and Guren just started assaulting him with words about his brother and his life. So. He can get it. He sets up the chessboard as he sits down.]
Have you even told him about us?
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