[His concern for this situation, this attitude, is spiking the more the conversation goes on. But he keeps calm, as always, stepping to close the distance between them, again. This time, it's just to stand close, not to reach out and touch him.]
You can't change it.
[There's nothing he can do about what he wants, so he has to get over it, in other words. He knows it's harsh, when Dextera is feeling this way, but that's a dangerous line of thinking, and he won't enable it.]
You can spend as much time with him as he'll let you. Would you rather spend none at all? [He honestly doesn't know.] He deserves some freedom, just like you. Maybe he can make some friends.
[ dextera looks up, suddenly, and there’s something that flashes briefly in his eyes that’s too close to fury. why would guren—?
before he can even pursue that line of angry thought, though, he catches himself. inside, he still wants to scream and shove and break something, but guren is right and dextera hates that he hates it. just like before, he knows that none of this is fair to the people around him—guren didn’t ask to get hurt, and his brother didn’t ask to come back, but dextera is tired of feeling the way he does. helpless and alone.
he turns around, quickly, hoping to compose himself before guren catches much more of that deep, feral anger that crossed over him. he rubs his wrist, where the consciousness orb used to be.
[It doesn't feel as foreign as it should to see anger like that pointed at him, no matter how brief it is. No matter that it's Dextera, of all people. Guren's sure he deserves it, for one reason or another. The time that it comes out and the reason behind it hardly matters.
Now, he reaches, but he doesn't force Dextera around. He just touches the back of his shoulder, reassuring, warm, and almost pleading in the way his fingers curl lightly into his jacket.]
You don't have to hide from me. [It's a gentle reminder, and he hopes that Dextera takes it seriously.] It's normal to feel all of the emotions you're feeling. I'm not going to let you stew in them, but that doesn't mean you can't let them out on me.
I won't go anywhere. Your brother isn't as close as you're used to, anymore, but I'm right here, for whatever that's worth. Don't forget that. You're not alone.
[ dextera hunches away from guren’s fingers, even if he wants to take that comfort for what it is. he will, too, but it’s just… hard. guren is speaking the truth to him, but it’s not an easy truth, and whether it was said kindly or as harshly as guren has delivered it, dextera wouldn’t want to hear it.
the other half of the truth, however, that guren is here, does temper his anger. ]
…
[ he shakes his head, and one hand slowly moves over his scar—he can feel it moving under his shirt, and that’s not something he wants guren or anyone else to know. it’s a problem. it’s a baroque, and he knew that already, but nothing had truly agitated it until now.
taking a deep breath, he forces himself to forget that and turn back around. ]
[He pulls his hand back when Dextera shrinks away, curling his fingers into his own palm. Useless, he can't even help with something like this. He can't even be a supportive... whatever they are.
But then he's facing him again, admitting such a difficult thing, and Guren can only watch him, wondering what he can do. Just like with Mahiru, he's powerless. Is he going to be forced to stand here, chasing a power desperately that he can't have, missing it before he can save Dextera from whatever path he's going down like this? The thought is sickening.]
I'm sorry. [That's the first thing he has to say, belatedly dropping his hand back to his side.]
[ is there? probably not. just short of guren finding a way to let dextera and his brother be together the way dextera wants them to be, there’s nothing that will make this ache in his heart go away. he just wants someone. he wants what’s been denied to him too many times. ]
…you already are.
[ it hurts, and it shows on dextera’s face—his brow is furrowed, his eyes are distant, but he’s honest when he says that guren is helping. if he were left to face this alone, then what would have happened to him? ]
I was going to do that whether you wanted me to or not.
[When Dextera is upset like this... If it were in a different way, Guren would allow him the space if needed. But this? This is dangerous. He won't leave, even if he's pushed and shoved. He touches at the bracelet he's wearing, the one that Dextera gave him and he keeps wearing.]
[ of course he was. dextera doesn’t know what he would have done if he’d told guren to go away only to get his presence anyway, but when those kinds of decisions are made for him—he usually thinks they’re better than anything he could come up with in the first place.
calmer now, he sighs, and sinks to the ground wearily. the other thing on his mind, related but less pressing— ]
[That's... interesting. Guren shifts to sit, as well, so he can face Dextera on eye level. He decides to pause his reaching out, after the last couple of failed attempts, and keeps his hands in his lap.]
Well... I didn't talk to him for very long, but he's not like you at all. I knew it wasn't you near instantly, and I'm pretty sure he hates my guts already. It makes sense that he's a different color, even without knowing what causes us to be sorted like that in the first place.
[ dextera doesn’t reach out for guren, either, but it’s because he’s looking down at his own hands—picking at his nails, actually, because he’s still got a lot of nervous energy underneath his skin and no way to get it out. he’s going to worry himself to death, in the moments where he’s not cursing the world for his and his brother’s situation. ]
…?
[ guren commenting that XIII probably hates his guts his strange, and gets dextera to look up from ruining his fingers. he doesn’t comment on it in particular, but he can’t imagine why that would have happened. ]
…we’re twins. [ it’s almost a little petulant, which is better than the crazed defensiveness of before. ] We’re the same.
[Guren corrects that a little cautiously, watching Dextera evenly.]
Anyone could tell you that your personalities are completely different. The way he stands, his expression, the way he moves— it's all different. If he's really been taking over your body each time you died... then he's lived an entirely different life from you.
[ dextera flinches when guren corrects him, but he doesn’t argue. they’re biologically exactly the same, just as dextera and his many clones were, but—it’s true. his brother does not act the same way he does. time and trauma have shaped both of them in different ways, and it makes dextera a little anxious to think about.
he doesn’t know anything about the person his brother has become. ]
[Guren frowns a little, and it's unclear if it's because he's offended at the idea that he wouldn't be able to, or he's embarrassed that he could.]
After all of the time we've spent together, you really think I'd make a mistake like that? There's...
[There's a light in everything he does. His eyes are bright, his presence is powerful even when he tries to make himself small, and there's something that draws him closer unmistakably. Something Guren wants to reach out and hold onto. The way he smiles, frowns, the way he gets huffy if he loses chess. The slight differences in the angles of the corners of his mouth for each of those things, depending on the situation... He's memorized the way he walks, how he reaches for things, what his looks mean.]
[ it’s… complicated, to hear that someone thinks the two of them are “completely different.” maybe there are twins out there who crave individual recognition, who want to be different, but dextera isn’t among them. having someone who is exactly like him in the huge, terrifying world he came from was a comfort. it is a comfort, but when guren says that…
it feels good. ]
…
[ very subtly, his ears turn a little red, and he shifts. ]
[Guren watches that, quietly, still embarrassed himself. It takes a minute or so to make sure he can stay composed without snapping like a child, and then he's fine. Calm, collected, speaking again.]
You're the only one I feel this way about.
[Just so that's clear, but he continues on.] But that means if he's important to you, he's important to me, too. I don't care what he thinks. Just let me know if I can ever help.
[Reasonably... but he'll go bug him if he's being a mean brother. This stranger, butting in.]
If he and I are both in Ruga, maybe that means we have something in common. But color isn't stopping you from being close with anyone.
[ guren’s words do put him at ease, somewhat. he doesn’t want his brother left behind in this town, and if he’s being objective about it, it is true that his brother can be unpleasant to the people that aren’t dextera. vaguely, he remembers hearing the doctors talk. the specifics are too far away, but he can feel the gist of their behaviors in the back of his mind.
they weren’t easy kids to deal with. ]
…
[ dextera slides his hand forward on the floor between them, a tentative offer of peace after getting so upset earlier. it wasn’t a fight, exactly, but dextera feels like he should apologize anyway. with his other hand, he signs. ]
[He assumes that's where this is going. And if it is, that means that guy is going to have a rough time when everyone else mistakes him for Dextera, or he realizes how many friends Dextera has made. Right?] I think I understand. But your friends will give him a chance, too, and maybe more.
This town is filled with kind people. It isn't like your world at all. You've learned that, too.
[ it would be nice, if his brother could find someone like guren—someone who so instantly understood him and was willing to extend patience to all the foolish things he did, and eventually become something like this. it’s not impossible, dextera thinks. his brother is incredible, if people would give him the chance to show it. ]
…
[ he pushes his fingers against guren’s now, slowly, like an animal that’s shyly trying to feel out what’s safe again after being spooked into hiding.
glancing from their hands to guren’s face, dextera nods. he’s learned that very well. ]
[It's only now that Guren realizes the hand is for him, specifically. He'd been so lost in thought, trying to communicate, to help, that he hadn't picked up on it at all. He reaches to lace their fingers together, and his other hand even moves over to cover Dextera's, as well. It's an enveloping grip.]
It might be hard, but it'll be okay. No matter what happens, I'm here. [He's feeling like that's more worthless by the minute, but all the same... it does seem to do something.]
I'm just glad you're here with me. I'm glad you're okay.
[He was so worried... No matter how much he tries to keep that in, it's going to slip out.]
[ it does so much more than guren realizes—or even than dextera realizes sometimes, caught up in his own pain as he is. it’s too easy to take it for granted that guren will be here, the more time they spend together.
dextera scoots forward, and then lets himself rest against guren with his forehead pressed to guren’s shoulder. it’s been a few days, and guren isn’t perfectly healed, but he’s obviously better—moving, albeit not strenuously. he can handle it for a second if dextera does this. ]
I…
[ quietly, in his voice, but he doesn’t finish the thought. ]
[He can do more than handle it. He appreciates the closeness, allowing Dextera to rest there without a flinch or shift at all. He wants to let him be comfortable. To allow him to be close.
There's his voice, and as short as it is, Guren finds himself drawn in by it as always. It's so soft... He's so lucky to be able to hear it, sometimes, like this.]
[ okay, well, he’s not going to say it now that he’s been prompted, but surely guren will understand. dextera has said that he likes guren plenty of times by now, and they’ve shared enough about each other that the rest of it is understood, even if only implicitly.
still, it’s the most forward he’s been, when he presses the hand that was previously signing to guren’s heart.
for everything that dextera is feeling, for as horribly upset as he was just a little while earlier, this feels… constant. it’s an anchor. guren has kept him sane. ]
[...He does get it. His heart beats faster, but it's something only he can notice, he hopes. He breathes slowly, deeply, and one of his hands moves away from their other, laced ones. He presses that over Dextera's heart, in turn, and now they're both doing this silly gesture in the middle of the floor with Dextera leaning against him like this.
He doesn't say anything about it, either, but he does smile, as small as it is. It's incredibly warm. Eventually, he speaks, but it's only after enjoying this silence for a few moments.]
Remember, you can ask me to stay whenever you want. We can be as close as you want to, at any time.
his brother’s arrival has confused him, and one conversation with someone he trusts isn’t going to fix that—no matter how reasonable guren was, dextera is desperate for someone to fix things for him, and it’s just as likely that he’s going to ask ryo for advice and guidance as it is that he’s going to talk to his brother about all these things that he’s feeling.
(in reality, the former is more likely than the latter, as he feels right now.)
even so, despite everything else, guren feels like home for him. as long as guren is still willing to touch him like this, dextera wants to be someone worthy of being comforted. he doesn’t want to be a burden. ]
Always.
[ against guren’s heart, still, but with a breath of a laugh that’s more visible than it is audible. ]
[Guren smiles a little wider at that. He wonders if he'll be enough for Dextera, if he can live up to that, but he can certainly try. It's why he moves his hand away from his heart to take his chin, instead, pulling them apart just enough so that he can duck down and turn his head, taking his lips in a kiss.
It's emotional, just a way of expressing his feelings where words will do no good. It's not the passion of some days, or the desperation of others. It's a confident thing, loving and here, ready to hold Dextera close.
He breathes softly against him once his meaning is clear.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
You can't change it.
[There's nothing he can do about what he wants, so he has to get over it, in other words. He knows it's harsh, when Dextera is feeling this way, but that's a dangerous line of thinking, and he won't enable it.]
You can spend as much time with him as he'll let you. Would you rather spend none at all? [He honestly doesn't know.] He deserves some freedom, just like you. Maybe he can make some friends.
no subject
[ dextera looks up, suddenly, and there’s something that flashes briefly in his eyes that’s too close to fury. why would guren—?
before he can even pursue that line of angry thought, though, he catches himself. inside, he still wants to scream and shove and break something, but guren is right and dextera hates that he hates it. just like before, he knows that none of this is fair to the people around him—guren didn’t ask to get hurt, and his brother didn’t ask to come back, but dextera is tired of feeling the way he does. helpless and alone.
he turns around, quickly, hoping to compose himself before guren catches much more of that deep, feral anger that crossed over him. he rubs his wrist, where the consciousness orb used to be.
his scar throbs. ]
no subject
Now, he reaches, but he doesn't force Dextera around. He just touches the back of his shoulder, reassuring, warm, and almost pleading in the way his fingers curl lightly into his jacket.]
You don't have to hide from me. [It's a gentle reminder, and he hopes that Dextera takes it seriously.] It's normal to feel all of the emotions you're feeling. I'm not going to let you stew in them, but that doesn't mean you can't let them out on me.
I won't go anywhere. Your brother isn't as close as you're used to, anymore, but I'm right here, for whatever that's worth. Don't forget that. You're not alone.
no subject
the other half of the truth, however, that guren is here, does temper his anger. ]
…
[ he shakes his head, and one hand slowly moves over his scar—he can feel it moving under his shirt, and that’s not something he wants guren or anyone else to know. it’s a problem. it’s a baroque, and he knew that already, but nothing had truly agitated it until now.
taking a deep breath, he forces himself to forget that and turn back around. ]
…it hurts.
no subject
But then he's facing him again, admitting such a difficult thing, and Guren can only watch him, wondering what he can do. Just like with Mahiru, he's powerless. Is he going to be forced to stand here, chasing a power desperately that he can't have, missing it before he can save Dextera from whatever path he's going down like this? The thought is sickening.]
I'm sorry. [That's the first thing he has to say, belatedly dropping his hand back to his side.]
Is there anything I can do to help?
[How pathetic, that all he can do is ask.]
no subject
…you already are.
[ it hurts, and it shows on dextera’s face—his brow is furrowed, his eyes are distant, but he’s honest when he says that guren is helping. if he were left to face this alone, then what would have happened to him? ]
Stay here. Please.
no subject
[When Dextera is upset like this... If it were in a different way, Guren would allow him the space if needed. But this? This is dangerous. He won't leave, even if he's pushed and shoved. He touches at the bracelet he's wearing, the one that Dextera gave him and he keeps wearing.]
I'll stay as long as you want.
no subject
calmer now, he sighs, and sinks to the ground wearily. the other thing on his mind, related but less pressing— ]
He’s in Ruga. I don’t understand.
no subject
[That's... interesting. Guren shifts to sit, as well, so he can face Dextera on eye level. He decides to pause his reaching out, after the last couple of failed attempts, and keeps his hands in his lap.]
Well... I didn't talk to him for very long, but he's not like you at all. I knew it wasn't you near instantly, and I'm pretty sure he hates my guts already. It makes sense that he's a different color, even without knowing what causes us to be sorted like that in the first place.
no subject
…?
[ guren commenting that XIII probably hates his guts his strange, and gets dextera to look up from ruining his fingers. he doesn’t comment on it in particular, but he can’t imagine why that would have happened. ]
…we’re twins. [ it’s almost a little petulant, which is better than the crazed defensiveness of before. ] We’re the same.
no subject
[Guren corrects that a little cautiously, watching Dextera evenly.]
Anyone could tell you that your personalities are completely different. The way he stands, his expression, the way he moves— it's all different. If he's really been taking over your body each time you died... then he's lived an entirely different life from you.
no subject
he doesn’t know anything about the person his brother has become. ]
…
[ he frowns. ]
You could tell us apart?
no subject
[Guren frowns a little, and it's unclear if it's because he's offended at the idea that he wouldn't be able to, or he's embarrassed that he could.]
After all of the time we've spent together, you really think I'd make a mistake like that? There's...
[There's a light in everything he does. His eyes are bright, his presence is powerful even when he tries to make himself small, and there's something that draws him closer unmistakably. Something Guren wants to reach out and hold onto. The way he smiles, frowns, the way he gets huffy if he loses chess. The slight differences in the angles of the corners of his mouth for each of those things, depending on the situation... He's memorized the way he walks, how he reaches for things, what his looks mean.]
...It's completely different.
no subject
it feels good. ]
…
[ very subtly, his ears turn a little red, and he shifts. ]
no subject
You're the only one I feel this way about.
[Just so that's clear, but he continues on.] But that means if he's important to you, he's important to me, too. I don't care what he thinks. Just let me know if I can ever help.
[Reasonably... but he'll go bug him if he's being a mean brother. This stranger, butting in.]
If he and I are both in Ruga, maybe that means we have something in common. But color isn't stopping you from being close with anyone.
no subject
they weren’t easy kids to deal with. ]
…
[ dextera slides his hand forward on the floor between them, a tentative offer of peace after getting so upset earlier. it wasn’t a fight, exactly, but dextera feels like he should apologize anyway. with his other hand, he signs. ]
He’s lonely. [ a pause. ] We both are, but…
no subject
[He assumes that's where this is going. And if it is, that means that guy is going to have a rough time when everyone else mistakes him for Dextera, or he realizes how many friends Dextera has made. Right?] I think I understand. But your friends will give him a chance, too, and maybe more.
This town is filled with kind people. It isn't like your world at all. You've learned that, too.
no subject
…
[ he pushes his fingers against guren’s now, slowly, like an animal that’s shyly trying to feel out what’s safe again after being spooked into hiding.
glancing from their hands to guren’s face, dextera nods. he’s learned that very well. ]
no subject
It might be hard, but it'll be okay. No matter what happens, I'm here. [He's feeling like that's more worthless by the minute, but all the same... it does seem to do something.]
I'm just glad you're here with me. I'm glad you're okay.
[He was so worried... No matter how much he tries to keep that in, it's going to slip out.]
no subject
dextera scoots forward, and then lets himself rest against guren with his forehead pressed to guren’s shoulder. it’s been a few days, and guren isn’t perfectly healed, but he’s obviously better—moving, albeit not strenuously. he can handle it for a second if dextera does this. ]
I…
[ quietly, in his voice, but he doesn’t finish the thought. ]
no subject
There's his voice, and as short as it is, Guren finds himself drawn in by it as always. It's so soft... He's so lucky to be able to hear it, sometimes, like this.]
Hm? What is it?
no subject
[ okay, well, he’s not going to say it now that he’s been prompted, but surely guren will understand. dextera has said that he likes guren plenty of times by now, and they’ve shared enough about each other that the rest of it is understood, even if only implicitly.
still, it’s the most forward he’s been, when he presses the hand that was previously signing to guren’s heart.
for everything that dextera is feeling, for as horribly upset as he was just a little while earlier, this feels… constant. it’s an anchor. guren has kept him sane. ]
no subject
He doesn't say anything about it, either, but he does smile, as small as it is. It's incredibly warm. Eventually, he speaks, but it's only after enjoying this silence for a few moments.]
Remember, you can ask me to stay whenever you want. We can be as close as you want to, at any time.
[He'll make time for whatever Dextera needs.]
no subject
his brother’s arrival has confused him, and one conversation with someone he trusts isn’t going to fix that—no matter how reasonable guren was, dextera is desperate for someone to fix things for him, and it’s just as likely that he’s going to ask ryo for advice and guidance as it is that he’s going to talk to his brother about all these things that he’s feeling.
(in reality, the former is more likely than the latter, as he feels right now.)
even so, despite everything else, guren feels like home for him. as long as guren is still willing to touch him like this, dextera wants to be someone worthy of being comforted. he doesn’t want to be a burden. ]
Always.
[ against guren’s heart, still, but with a breath of a laugh that’s more visible than it is audible. ]
no subject
[Guren smiles a little wider at that. He wonders if he'll be enough for Dextera, if he can live up to that, but he can certainly try. It's why he moves his hand away from his heart to take his chin, instead, pulling them apart just enough so that he can duck down and turn his head, taking his lips in a kiss.
It's emotional, just a way of expressing his feelings where words will do no good. It's not the passion of some days, or the desperation of others. It's a confident thing, loving and here, ready to hold Dextera close.
He breathes softly against him once his meaning is clear.]
I can do always.
(no subject)
(no subject)