[ eustace is all business, which isn’t different from his usual self, but there’s a new weight to it now. for the sake of giving eustace closure, however, dextera knows he just has to suck it up. ]
I can leave now. I’ll see you soon.
[ there shouldn’t be anyone swarming the shrines without the call of new aions, so dextera is expecting complete privacy in the idyllic location.
gathering up the things he feels he might need, he ensures his door is locked and his curtains drawn before he goes about the ritual to teleport. ]
[ There's a sense of acknowledgement on the other end, though no verbal affirmation.
Eustace makes his own preparations, few though they are, before setting up his own teleportation spell. After all's said and done, it takes him about half an hour to arrive at the shrine. He's dressed as usual, in varying shades of black and gray from head to toe, but his trademark gun is missing. This is supposed to be a peaceful meeting, as far as he's concerned, and the last thing he wants to do is give off an impression of violence. Especially in the calm green fields of the Innocent shrine.
Whether he makes it there before or after Dextera, his greeting's the same: a small nod and a few words spoken aloud. ]
[ dextera is similarly unarmed. he had been carrying the dagger everywhere all the way up to the events in venera, and hasn’t touched it since. it was a gift from makoto and one he can’t comfortably throw away, but it’s too stained with memories now for him to comfortably continue on with it. ]
…
[ he nods to eustace, his expression already contorted into an unhappy grimace. his eyes flick nervously, and he digs his hands into the fabric of his shirt. he can only wait for eustace to speak, but that doesn’t mean the waiting is easy. ]
[ There's a part of him that had always been glad to see Dextera, a person he'd always felt comfortable, almost peaceful, around. But that had been before he'd gone to Venera and watched Dextera cut down his dreams with only the smallest trace of hestitation. A glimmer of that feeling still remains deep down in his core, but the outside has since warped into something less trusting, more fearful.
He'd spent the majority of the past half hour trying to put his thoughts in order, puzzling out a way to dictate the pace of the conversation to make it as efficient and painless as possible for the both of them. Now that he's here though, removing his shard in anticipation of the conversation they're about to have, his pages of script scattered away by a strong gust of painful confusion.
There's only one thought left that he ultimately blurts out, without the usual care and precision that frames his speech. ]
Why did you do it?
[ It's too broad of a question to garner any sort of useful reply, but it's the only question he cares to ask right now, the one that's haunted him for the past week. ]
[ it would be easy for dextera to say that he had to, as if it was some greater force compelling him and he had no say in the method he took to free eustace. it would also be a lie. he was under no obligation to do anything to or for eustace, and they both would have been better off had dextera avoided him altogether.
but it’s done, and eustace is now asking the question that dextera has no comforting answer for.
having taken out his shard as well, dextera squeezes it slightly in his hands. the sensation is unpleasantly intimate, like someone digging their fingers into his stomach lining, but like any good fidgeting tool it keeps his mind on the task at hand. ]
…
[ he doesn’t ignore eustace on purpose. the silence that lingers between them is an impression of dextera’s guilt, an apology that he can’t let free yet. he’s trying to find the right words, the balance between responsibility and the human desire not to be hated. ]
I was trying to end it. I didn’t know what else to do.
[ The reason given is—well, it's in line with what he expects. On a surface level, he understands that the only way out of those eeriely pleasant daydreams had been to stir up his emotions, to fight against the apathy with its polar opposite emotions.
It makes sense.
What doesn't make sense - and the real answer he'd been trying to fish out, extremely poorly - is why Dextera had chosen to immediately jump to violence, to commit an act that most regular people would have balked at. Even if it had been a dream, everything had felt and looked real. Either Dextera's willpower had simply been stronger than his own or there's more to this strange young man than outwardly presented, maybe both. But if it is the latter, he wants to know. Not everything, but just enough to understand.
He spends some amount of time trying to pick apart the scant answer given and formulate the right words to ask what he really wants to ask. Despite the obvious discomfort of the situation, he keeps his posture upright, chin level with the ground as he watches Dextera. ]
Why not try to convince me? Or [ his lips twist in discomfort, even the mere thought enough to prick his heart ] threaten them first?
[ the answers come easily enough to mind, just under the level that might be conveyed through the shard. when he’s mediating his words through his mind, he has a little more control over what does and doesn’t get through. it’s obvious to him why those wouldn’t have worked, at least in retrospect—eustace protested the violence, even when dextera thought just one of them would be enough. the roots of that dream ran deep.
but why had it been his first impulse?
he doesn’t have an excuse for that, and as much as he would like to give eustace something that makes him look good, look proper, look right in the violence he committed, honesty must come first. ]
It would have been too hard. [ which makes his ultimate decision sound absolutely insane, and he knows that, so he has to try to explain more. ] I couldn’t have convinced you. And threatening them… it would have been too real. I wouldn’t have been able to finish it. So I…
[ Threatening them would have been too real but straight up killing them wouldn't be?
Despite his talent of being able to keep his emotions in check, both during a regular conversation and through Communion, his confusion right now bleeds through unchecked, Eustace struggling to follow the line of reasoning laid out before him. In some ways he gets it: prolonging anything only makes it worse and more painful, and he can't imagine the realism of the daydreams brought about by the Innocence would have helped matters any. In an ordinary situation, he would have understood 100% and not even bothered to ask any sort of follow-up.
But his feelings on the subject of his family are a complicated snarl, his usual composure trampled underfoot by anger and despair all rolled into one monstrous creature, viscous and black and staining everything it comes into contact with and muddying his otherwise clear-cut line of logic.
The silence marinates between them a little longer before Eustace asks, abruptly: ]
Have you killed people before?
[ Maybe not children - dear gods, he hopes not children - but in general. And maybe it's a question that seems to come out of left field, wholly unrelated to the current thread of conversation, but there's no way someone who's never killed before could so easily done what Dextera had done.
[ the question is even more troubling for dextera than it might be for a normal person. no normal person, even a soldier in a war, could do what he’s done. guilt like a blaze of heat rushes forth through the bond of communion, coating every thought and word in a humid blanket of remorse. not only has he killed people with his own hands, people who did nothing wrong but stand in his way to self-discovery, but he’s condemned millions to a painful end through his selfishness.
so the archangel says, at least, and dextera believes him. ]
Hh… hhah…
[ dextera’s breath quickens; his gaze flutters in a panic. he may have been able to kill eustace’s siblings without a beat in the moment, but it doesn’t mean he’s gone unscathed by his actions.
[ The silence says more than an actual answer would.
But, strangely, the knowledge of Dextera's past pursuits (in the realm of murder, at least) doesn't increase the unease that still bubbles inside of his chest, not in the way he'd expected. It's odd, revising his opinion of this timid young man into someone willing and able to kill without hesitation, but the guilt that threatens to consume him through their shared Communion channel lays some of his original fears to rest. Dextera may have killed people before but he clearly hadn't been happy about it.
And isn't that what really matters in the end, the intent behind all actions committed? It's not as though his hands are any cleaner than Dextera's or that he's taken the moral high ground all his life, far from it in fact.
Without warning he takes a seat, folding his legs in front of him and plopping down onto the ground without any sort of grace. Most of his confusion from before has vanished now, replaced by an all-encompassing exhaustion. Underneath it are notes of regret, for making Dextera come out just to be interrogated, and homesickness.
For a long time, a minute and then another, he doesn't say anything, content to let the nebulous feelings that crowd their shared Communion do the talking for him. And then, finally: ]
I never did say thank you. For....before.
[ More specifically, for dragging his sorry ass out of the clutches of the contagion, as terrible as the method had been. ]
[ dextera practically drowns in the feelings weighing down their bond, and it’s as if eustace’s fully unexpected gratitude jerks his head above water.
he’s received similar gratitude for the things he’s done before, in the moments just before his victims’ lives were severed from this world, but it’s different to hear it from someone only indirectly hurt—and the people he did kill were innocent victims, even if they were only creations of a sick mind.
one hand is still clutching his shard, but the other twists unhappily into his shirt as he tries to calm himself down. ]
I… didn’t… [ slowly, trying to drag the words up from under the layers of pain. ] I just wanted to save you. I knew you would hate me.
[ He says it, but there's an edge of uncertainty to the words, his tone lacking his usual conviction. Does he fear Dextera now? Yes, a little bit, and he's not sure how long it'll take for that feeling to fade—or if it ever will. Is there a wariness now that was never present before, a kneejerk instinct to pull back at the mere mention of the other man? Absolutely.
But hate is a strong emotion, reserved for only the worst criminals in his books, and what Dextera had done hardly crosses into that territory. Maybe if he hadn't shown so much remorse over doing what he had, if he weren't such a nervous wreck now, it would be easier to hate him for what he'd done. Easier for Eustace to treat him like the enemy and to corral his emotions if he did hate the other man.
One eye opens, though his gaze remains fixed on the ground, the seconds ticking by as he stares at a small beetle crawling through the grass. ]
[ wouldn’t it be better for them both if eustace did? maybe dextera should have leaned into it. he should have made himself relish the deaths, or do something so despicable that even acting couldn’t have explained away the imagination to do it. unfortunately for them both, it’s too late now—dextera has made his apologies through meekness, and eustace has seen fit to withhold his hatred, even if he hasn’t necessarily extended his forgiveness. ]
…?
[ maybe he will, though. dextera didn’t expect him to remain inquisitive about something that, to dextera, feels obvious. ]
[ The fingers around his shard twitch at the mention of the word kind. How often has it been used to describe him these past few weeks? Too many, if he has to be honest with himself. It's a descriptor that feels like a lie, given only because no one here knows the truth of what he's done up until now. But more importantly, it's a descriptor that shouldn't be given by someone whom he might have to kill in the near future.
Again, for a long moment, he says nothing. Again, all that crosses the communion channel are flickers of his emotions: unhappiness, regret, a festering resentment against this world and the powers that had brought him here. ]
Don't save me next time. It'll be better for both of us that way.
[ Will it though? Or will it just be better for him, to let someone else take responsibility for his weakness in letting this continue on for as long as it has? ]
[ those negative emotions don’t surprise dextera. he may not be able to see into eustace’s mind or comprehensively understand the life he lived before coming to horos, but it’s evident that things can’t be simply resolved with words—for someone who holds the weight of guilt on their shoulders, being called kind must feel like they’re tricking people. dextera knows that well. ]
…
[ still, he can’t simply abide what eustace tells him. it would be easier, and yet… he’s let too many people die. his hands are bloodstained, and if he doesn’t give his all to repentance, he’ll never be free. ]
I’ll do… what I need to do. I’m sorry I can’t promise anything else.
[ It might be an expected answer but it's still disappointing all the same, and he bows his head again even as he pushes himself back up onto his feet, abandoning his brief moment of rest. ]
Understood.
[ He can't ask for more than that, and it should be enough that he's been given this much. And now there he's said what he needed to, there's not much reason to stay. ]
Thanks for coming out. I'll be going then, unless there was something you wanted to say.
[ He'd called Dextera out for his own selfish purposes today and Dextera had acquiesed without a single complaint. It's the least he can do to give the other man a chance to speak if he wants it. ]
[ dextera shakes his head. he doesn’t say anything, but there’s a pause, and then the very intentional press of emotion: one last apology to cover everything. he’s sorry for what he did to eustace’s family, and he’s sorry that he can’t promise next time will be easier for either of them. he’s sorry, too, that he can’t guarantee a next time can be avoided at all.
he then replaces his shard, and with his newly freed hand, he waves. he’ll let eustace go first. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I can leave now. I’ll see you soon.
[ there shouldn’t be anyone swarming the shrines without the call of new aions, so dextera is expecting complete privacy in the idyllic location.
gathering up the things he feels he might need, he ensures his door is locked and his curtains drawn before he goes about the ritual to teleport. ]
no subject
Eustace makes his own preparations, few though they are, before setting up his own teleportation spell. After all's said and done, it takes him about half an hour to arrive at the shrine. He's dressed as usual, in varying shades of black and gray from head to toe, but his trademark gun is missing. This is supposed to be a peaceful meeting, as far as he's concerned, and the last thing he wants to do is give off an impression of violence. Especially in the calm green fields of the Innocent shrine.
Whether he makes it there before or after Dextera, his greeting's the same: a small nod and a few words spoken aloud. ]
Thanks for meeting me.
no subject
…
[ he nods to eustace, his expression already contorted into an unhappy grimace. his eyes flick nervously, and he digs his hands into the fabric of his shirt. he can only wait for eustace to speak, but that doesn’t mean the waiting is easy. ]
no subject
He'd spent the majority of the past half hour trying to put his thoughts in order, puzzling out a way to dictate the pace of the conversation to make it as efficient and painless as possible for the both of them. Now that he's here though, removing his shard in anticipation of the conversation they're about to have, his pages of script scattered away by a strong gust of painful confusion.
There's only one thought left that he ultimately blurts out, without the usual care and precision that frames his speech. ]
Why did you do it?
[ It's too broad of a question to garner any sort of useful reply, but it's the only question he cares to ask right now, the one that's haunted him for the past week. ]
no subject
but it’s done, and eustace is now asking the question that dextera has no comforting answer for.
having taken out his shard as well, dextera squeezes it slightly in his hands. the sensation is unpleasantly intimate, like someone digging their fingers into his stomach lining, but like any good fidgeting tool it keeps his mind on the task at hand. ]
…
[ he doesn’t ignore eustace on purpose. the silence that lingers between them is an impression of dextera’s guilt, an apology that he can’t let free yet. he’s trying to find the right words, the balance between responsibility and the human desire not to be hated. ]
I was trying to end it. I didn’t know what else to do.
no subject
It makes sense.
What doesn't make sense - and the real answer he'd been trying to fish out, extremely poorly - is why Dextera had chosen to immediately jump to violence, to commit an act that most regular people would have balked at. Even if it had been a dream, everything had felt and looked real. Either Dextera's willpower had simply been stronger than his own or there's more to this strange young man than outwardly presented, maybe both. But if it is the latter, he wants to know. Not everything, but just enough to understand.
He spends some amount of time trying to pick apart the scant answer given and formulate the right words to ask what he really wants to ask. Despite the obvious discomfort of the situation, he keeps his posture upright, chin level with the ground as he watches Dextera. ]
Why not try to convince me? Or [ his lips twist in discomfort, even the mere thought enough to prick his heart ] threaten them first?
no subject
but why had it been his first impulse?
he doesn’t have an excuse for that, and as much as he would like to give eustace something that makes him look good, look proper, look right in the violence he committed, honesty must come first. ]
It would have been too hard. [ which makes his ultimate decision sound absolutely insane, and he knows that, so he has to try to explain more. ] I couldn’t have convinced you. And threatening them… it would have been too real. I wouldn’t have been able to finish it. So I…
no subject
Despite his talent of being able to keep his emotions in check, both during a regular conversation and through Communion, his confusion right now bleeds through unchecked, Eustace struggling to follow the line of reasoning laid out before him. In some ways he gets it: prolonging anything only makes it worse and more painful, and he can't imagine the realism of the daydreams brought about by the Innocence would have helped matters any. In an ordinary situation, he would have understood 100% and not even bothered to ask any sort of follow-up.
But his feelings on the subject of his family are a complicated snarl, his usual composure trampled underfoot by anger and despair all rolled into one monstrous creature, viscous and black and staining everything it comes into contact with and muddying his otherwise clear-cut line of logic.
The silence marinates between them a little longer before Eustace asks, abruptly: ]
Have you killed people before?
[ Maybe not children - dear gods, he hopes not children - but in general. And maybe it's a question that seems to come out of left field, wholly unrelated to the current thread of conversation, but there's no way someone who's never killed before could so easily done what Dextera had done.
Is there? ]
no subject
[ the question is even more troubling for dextera than it might be for a normal person. no normal person, even a soldier in a war, could do what he’s done. guilt like a blaze of heat rushes forth through the bond of communion, coating every thought and word in a humid blanket of remorse. not only has he killed people with his own hands, people who did nothing wrong but stand in his way to self-discovery, but he’s condemned millions to a painful end through his selfishness.
so the archangel says, at least, and dextera believes him. ]
Hh… hhah…
[ dextera’s breath quickens; his gaze flutters in a panic. he may have been able to kill eustace’s siblings without a beat in the moment, but it doesn’t mean he’s gone unscathed by his actions.
there’s no need for him to say yes. ]
no subject
But, strangely, the knowledge of Dextera's past pursuits (in the realm of murder, at least) doesn't increase the unease that still bubbles inside of his chest, not in the way he'd expected. It's odd, revising his opinion of this timid young man into someone willing and able to kill without hesitation, but the guilt that threatens to consume him through their shared Communion channel lays some of his original fears to rest. Dextera may have killed people before but he clearly hadn't been happy about it.
And isn't that what really matters in the end, the intent behind all actions committed? It's not as though his hands are any cleaner than Dextera's or that he's taken the moral high ground all his life, far from it in fact.
Without warning he takes a seat, folding his legs in front of him and plopping down onto the ground without any sort of grace. Most of his confusion from before has vanished now, replaced by an all-encompassing exhaustion. Underneath it are notes of regret, for making Dextera come out just to be interrogated, and homesickness.
For a long time, a minute and then another, he doesn't say anything, content to let the nebulous feelings that crowd their shared Communion do the talking for him. And then, finally: ]
I never did say thank you. For....before.
[ More specifically, for dragging his sorry ass out of the clutches of the contagion, as terrible as the method had been. ]
no subject
[ dextera practically drowns in the feelings weighing down their bond, and it’s as if eustace’s fully unexpected gratitude jerks his head above water.
he’s received similar gratitude for the things he’s done before, in the moments just before his victims’ lives were severed from this world, but it’s different to hear it from someone only indirectly hurt—and the people he did kill were innocent victims, even if they were only creations of a sick mind.
one hand is still clutching his shard, but the other twists unhappily into his shirt as he tries to calm himself down. ]
I… didn’t… [ slowly, trying to drag the words up from under the layers of pain. ] I just wanted to save you. I knew you would hate me.
no subject
[ He says it, but there's an edge of uncertainty to the words, his tone lacking his usual conviction. Does he fear Dextera now? Yes, a little bit, and he's not sure how long it'll take for that feeling to fade—or if it ever will. Is there a wariness now that was never present before, a kneejerk instinct to pull back at the mere mention of the other man? Absolutely.
But hate is a strong emotion, reserved for only the worst criminals in his books, and what Dextera had done hardly crosses into that territory. Maybe if he hadn't shown so much remorse over doing what he had, if he weren't such a nervous wreck now, it would be easier to hate him for what he'd done. Easier for Eustace to treat him like the enemy and to corral his emotions if he did hate the other man.
One eye opens, though his gaze remains fixed on the ground, the seconds ticking by as he stares at a small beetle crawling through the grass. ]
Why did you save me?
no subject
…?
[ maybe he will, though. dextera didn’t expect him to remain inquisitive about something that, to dextera, feels obvious. ]
You were kind to me. You’ve been kind to me.
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Again, for a long moment, he says nothing. Again, all that crosses the communion channel are flickers of his emotions: unhappiness, regret, a festering resentment against this world and the powers that had brought him here. ]
Don't save me next time. It'll be better for both of us that way.
[ Will it though? Or will it just be better for him, to let someone else take responsibility for his weakness in letting this continue on for as long as it has? ]
no subject
…
[ still, he can’t simply abide what eustace tells him. it would be easier, and yet… he’s let too many people die. his hands are bloodstained, and if he doesn’t give his all to repentance, he’ll never be free. ]
I’ll do… what I need to do. I’m sorry I can’t promise anything else.
no subject
Understood.
[ He can't ask for more than that, and it should be enough that he's been given this much. And now there he's said what he needed to, there's not much reason to stay. ]
Thanks for coming out. I'll be going then, unless there was something you wanted to say.
[ He'd called Dextera out for his own selfish purposes today and Dextera had acquiesed without a single complaint. It's the least he can do to give the other man a chance to speak if he wants it. ]
no subject
[ dextera shakes his head. he doesn’t say anything, but there’s a pause, and then the very intentional press of emotion: one last apology to cover everything. he’s sorry for what he did to eustace’s family, and he’s sorry that he can’t promise next time will be easier for either of them. he’s sorry, too, that he can’t guarantee a next time can be avoided at all.
he then replaces his shard, and with his newly freed hand, he waves. he’ll let eustace go first. ]