[ dextera practically drowns in the feelings weighing down their bond, and it’s as if eustace’s fully unexpected gratitude jerks his head above water.
he’s received similar gratitude for the things he’s done before, in the moments just before his victims’ lives were severed from this world, but it’s different to hear it from someone only indirectly hurt—and the people he did kill were innocent victims, even if they were only creations of a sick mind.
one hand is still clutching his shard, but the other twists unhappily into his shirt as he tries to calm himself down. ]
I… didn’t… [ slowly, trying to drag the words up from under the layers of pain. ] I just wanted to save you. I knew you would hate me.
[ He says it, but there's an edge of uncertainty to the words, his tone lacking his usual conviction. Does he fear Dextera now? Yes, a little bit, and he's not sure how long it'll take for that feeling to fade—or if it ever will. Is there a wariness now that was never present before, a kneejerk instinct to pull back at the mere mention of the other man? Absolutely.
But hate is a strong emotion, reserved for only the worst criminals in his books, and what Dextera had done hardly crosses into that territory. Maybe if he hadn't shown so much remorse over doing what he had, if he weren't such a nervous wreck now, it would be easier to hate him for what he'd done. Easier for Eustace to treat him like the enemy and to corral his emotions if he did hate the other man.
One eye opens, though his gaze remains fixed on the ground, the seconds ticking by as he stares at a small beetle crawling through the grass. ]
[ wouldn’t it be better for them both if eustace did? maybe dextera should have leaned into it. he should have made himself relish the deaths, or do something so despicable that even acting couldn’t have explained away the imagination to do it. unfortunately for them both, it’s too late now—dextera has made his apologies through meekness, and eustace has seen fit to withhold his hatred, even if he hasn’t necessarily extended his forgiveness. ]
…?
[ maybe he will, though. dextera didn’t expect him to remain inquisitive about something that, to dextera, feels obvious. ]
[ The fingers around his shard twitch at the mention of the word kind. How often has it been used to describe him these past few weeks? Too many, if he has to be honest with himself. It's a descriptor that feels like a lie, given only because no one here knows the truth of what he's done up until now. But more importantly, it's a descriptor that shouldn't be given by someone whom he might have to kill in the near future.
Again, for a long moment, he says nothing. Again, all that crosses the communion channel are flickers of his emotions: unhappiness, regret, a festering resentment against this world and the powers that had brought him here. ]
Don't save me next time. It'll be better for both of us that way.
[ Will it though? Or will it just be better for him, to let someone else take responsibility for his weakness in letting this continue on for as long as it has? ]
[ those negative emotions don’t surprise dextera. he may not be able to see into eustace’s mind or comprehensively understand the life he lived before coming to horos, but it’s evident that things can’t be simply resolved with words—for someone who holds the weight of guilt on their shoulders, being called kind must feel like they’re tricking people. dextera knows that well. ]
…
[ still, he can’t simply abide what eustace tells him. it would be easier, and yet… he’s let too many people die. his hands are bloodstained, and if he doesn’t give his all to repentance, he’ll never be free. ]
I’ll do… what I need to do. I’m sorry I can’t promise anything else.
[ It might be an expected answer but it's still disappointing all the same, and he bows his head again even as he pushes himself back up onto his feet, abandoning his brief moment of rest. ]
Understood.
[ He can't ask for more than that, and it should be enough that he's been given this much. And now there he's said what he needed to, there's not much reason to stay. ]
Thanks for coming out. I'll be going then, unless there was something you wanted to say.
[ He'd called Dextera out for his own selfish purposes today and Dextera had acquiesed without a single complaint. It's the least he can do to give the other man a chance to speak if he wants it. ]
[ dextera shakes his head. he doesn’t say anything, but there’s a pause, and then the very intentional press of emotion: one last apology to cover everything. he’s sorry for what he did to eustace’s family, and he’s sorry that he can’t promise next time will be easier for either of them. he’s sorry, too, that he can’t guarantee a next time can be avoided at all.
he then replaces his shard, and with his newly freed hand, he waves. he’ll let eustace go first. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ dextera practically drowns in the feelings weighing down their bond, and it’s as if eustace’s fully unexpected gratitude jerks his head above water.
he’s received similar gratitude for the things he’s done before, in the moments just before his victims’ lives were severed from this world, but it’s different to hear it from someone only indirectly hurt—and the people he did kill were innocent victims, even if they were only creations of a sick mind.
one hand is still clutching his shard, but the other twists unhappily into his shirt as he tries to calm himself down. ]
I… didn’t… [ slowly, trying to drag the words up from under the layers of pain. ] I just wanted to save you. I knew you would hate me.
no subject
[ He says it, but there's an edge of uncertainty to the words, his tone lacking his usual conviction. Does he fear Dextera now? Yes, a little bit, and he's not sure how long it'll take for that feeling to fade—or if it ever will. Is there a wariness now that was never present before, a kneejerk instinct to pull back at the mere mention of the other man? Absolutely.
But hate is a strong emotion, reserved for only the worst criminals in his books, and what Dextera had done hardly crosses into that territory. Maybe if he hadn't shown so much remorse over doing what he had, if he weren't such a nervous wreck now, it would be easier to hate him for what he'd done. Easier for Eustace to treat him like the enemy and to corral his emotions if he did hate the other man.
One eye opens, though his gaze remains fixed on the ground, the seconds ticking by as he stares at a small beetle crawling through the grass. ]
Why did you save me?
no subject
…?
[ maybe he will, though. dextera didn’t expect him to remain inquisitive about something that, to dextera, feels obvious. ]
You were kind to me. You’ve been kind to me.
no subject
Again, for a long moment, he says nothing. Again, all that crosses the communion channel are flickers of his emotions: unhappiness, regret, a festering resentment against this world and the powers that had brought him here. ]
Don't save me next time. It'll be better for both of us that way.
[ Will it though? Or will it just be better for him, to let someone else take responsibility for his weakness in letting this continue on for as long as it has? ]
no subject
…
[ still, he can’t simply abide what eustace tells him. it would be easier, and yet… he’s let too many people die. his hands are bloodstained, and if he doesn’t give his all to repentance, he’ll never be free. ]
I’ll do… what I need to do. I’m sorry I can’t promise anything else.
no subject
Understood.
[ He can't ask for more than that, and it should be enough that he's been given this much. And now there he's said what he needed to, there's not much reason to stay. ]
Thanks for coming out. I'll be going then, unless there was something you wanted to say.
[ He'd called Dextera out for his own selfish purposes today and Dextera had acquiesed without a single complaint. It's the least he can do to give the other man a chance to speak if he wants it. ]
no subject
[ dextera shakes his head. he doesn’t say anything, but there’s a pause, and then the very intentional press of emotion: one last apology to cover everything. he’s sorry for what he did to eustace’s family, and he’s sorry that he can’t promise next time will be easier for either of them. he’s sorry, too, that he can’t guarantee a next time can be avoided at all.
he then replaces his shard, and with his newly freed hand, he waves. he’ll let eustace go first. ]