[He didn't bother using the laptops this time. As soon as Zelda was gone, he left the house, without his jacket, only quickly keeping his sword on his belt. Wherever he finds Dextera, outside his house with the chickens or walking around or in the gardens— he reaches to take his wrist, looking troubled.]
I need to tell you something. [There's a pause, and he knows this only leads to anxiety, but he can't help it. This is something he should be anxious over, after all.] In private.
[ dextera was feeding the chickens, and so there’s a trail of them trying to follow when guren pulls at his wrist so suddenly. he scatters the feed before he’s dragged away, and there’s a look in his eyes that’s questioning—then sure that something is wrong.
did he do something? did his brother do something? ]
…?
[ he nods mutely, heart already crawling up into his throat. ]
[He's still leading him through his own front door when he tries to start that and quickly cuts himself off. He can't. He can't say "I almost kissed Zelda" as the lead in. He shakes his head, knowing that it would lead to immediately wrong conclusions. Even if it doesn't excuse himself... for Dextera's sake, he has to start differently.
He waits until they're in his room and the door is shut behind them to breathe out his own tense sigh.]
I'm sorry. [...] Do you know the sets of wings we received from the fairy quest? Do you know what they do?
[ dextera knows by now not to lick or drink or taste the things he gets from quests by now, but touching? he’s a fool and goes into it all too quickly. ]
…
[ he nods. ]
Blindness.
[ that’s what his did, anyway, and he hasn’t yet received any new ones to realize there’s an unfortunate variety. ]
[So that's what Dextera's does. Guren frowns at that, placing his hand on Dextera's arm.]
...Spells, in other words, just like the fairies were using on us. I didn't realize it until just now. I unpinned one of the sets while I was talking with Zelda...
[God he feels so horrible he wants to look away, but he forces himself to keep looking at Dextera.]
It changed how I felt. I tried to kiss her. I was feeling... [...] I was feeling things I shouldn't have been.
dextera’s mind rushes to justify guren’s actions as quickly as possible, but it doesn’t change the fact that it… hurts. it really hurts, and it shows on dextera’s face with his expression wide open and too easy to read as always.
he tried to kiss zelda.
he would get it, even if it weren’t the fault of a spell, and that’s probably what’s the most agonizing about hearing it. zelda is kind and confident and beautiful, and dextera is—?
he nods. he doesn’t say anything else, like he’s still trying to make sense of it. ]
[When Dextera does nothing more than nod, Guren looks pained himself, dropping his hand away and leaving Dextera free from his touch. He's not sure it's helping right now. He's not sure he himself deserves it.]
It took me too long to break through it. I'm sorry.
[ it does, realistically, excuse everything. it’d be unfair of dextera to get mad for a spell when he, of his own volition, let his gaze linger on a nice pair of breasts when he didn’t have to at all.
the problem is that he isn’t mad. he isn’t even upset with guren, really. maybe if he were just better somehow, it wouldn’t have affected guren like that.
[He says it quietly. Dextera hasn't expressed a word, but Guren can see it all in his eyes. He knows him well enough. They'd become so close, so quickly. He hurt him like this. He hurt him, and there's no way for him to make it better, either.
His fingers curl into his own palms at his sides. He speaks gently.]
Don't go thinking around it. Don't hurt yourself any more than it already does. That spell goes against logic— and I was too weak to resist it. That's all there is to it.
But you're the one that I want to be with. Why do you think I came here to tell you? You know that, right?
[ for all the problems dextera has, he’d never really thought of himself as insecure—he’s always been very sure of his failings and flaws, even if he’s unfair to himself in plenty of those aspects.
but it’s hard not to feel like it’s his fault somehow. he nods. ]
…
[ does he apologize for falling prey to these nerves? surely that would only upset guren more. he wants to pet leliel, or something, and he’s not sure if he wants guren to be very close or very far away while he tries to figure out his feelings. ]
Pretty sure she hates me. I didn't get a chance to tell her it was a spell. She was pitying me, and I snapped out of it and told her I was with you, so she slapped me, told me what a shithead I was and that she didn't want to talk to me again, and left.
[SO...DEFINE OKAY... Guren rubs the back of his neck, but it's a lot more tense than his normal fidgeting like this. He doesn't know what to do to help anything.]
[ dextera doesn’t know either. he doesn’t like that zelda hates guren, though—he’s placed a lot of faith and trust in her, and to have her at odds with one of the most important people here makes him uncomfortable. ]
…
[ he wants them to make amends, but how does he do that? maybe she won’t even listen to guren, and dextera doesn’t really want to be the one to address it. he barely hears guren’s question, and a beat passes before he even looks up in the realization he was spoken to.
does he want guren to…? no. he doesn’t think so. he’s not sure. ]
[He almost didn't want to answer that, but he can't look past his selfishness on this. Dextera should make his own choices, of course, and Guren should encourage that— but he needs to be able to speak his mind when it comes to his own wants, too, probably. So it's fine.
It would hurt more than anything to be told to leave.]
[ that answers dextera’s feelings for him. if guren doesn’t want to leave, the last thing dextera wants to do is make him go—so he nods, slowly, still feeling dazed. it’s not fair, he’s being selfish. unreasonable, even. ]
…
[ he sinks to the floor. ]
I’m sorry. [ he can’t help himself. ] For… feeling like this. Difficult.
[Ugh... He stares down at Dextera for a moment before kneeling in front of him, still not sure if he has the right to reach out and try to comfort him with touch right now.]
You should be pissed. You have a right to be upset. You can be angry, hurt, you can slap me if you want. Zelda was right to have all of those feelings, too. This wasn't anything that you did. I'm really the one who screwed up, this time.
[ what does he feel? it’s hard to even find the words for, let alone the ability to say them.
what he does know is that he doesn’t want to hurt guren. he shakes his head. ]
I’m not angry. I don’t want to hit you.
[ that’s what he leads with, and although his hands still for a moment after that, it’s clear he isn’t done—guren didn’t try to kiss zelda because he wanted to. zelda believed he did, which is a train of thought dextera isn’t emotionally ready to pursue, but none of this was on purpose.
guren likes to blame himself. they both like to blame themselves. ]
[He can't keep telling him how to feel, he realizes, and is quiet while Dextera tries to figure it out. Guren might feel one way, might hurt one way and want to deal with it in the easiest way he can, but he has no idea what Dextera might be going through. Not to the extent that he must be, anyway. He knows he's hurt, he knows he's suffering, but the details?
He can't tell him how to help it when he doesn't know what it is that he's feeling, exactly. All he can do is try to help Dextera come to the conclusion of what he's feeling himself.
Guren is still on one knee in front of him, watching with a sad expression, but eventually he speaks up, soft.]
[ all dextera can keep thinking is that it’s not a big deal, but his imagination provides these thoughts that make it seem like it. he wasn’t there for the moment that might haunt him—but that just means his mind can supply the worst possibilities, scenarios where it wasn’t an accident or the cause of a spell at all. it’s scary.
when guren offers to touch him, it’s such a relief that he audibly exhales, and he answers with a movement of his own. he pushes himself forward to hug guren, squeezing him tightly. ]
…
[ more than anger or frustration or even sadness… dextera just thinks he’s afraid. ]
[It surprises him, somehow, and with the hug, he immediately falls back to sit properly, stretching his legs out so they're no longer in the way. His arms wrap around Dextera in turn, holding him just like he'd been planning on, and he presses his face into the side of Dextera's, frowning.
It really tells him both how fragile and sturdy something like this is. How careful he needs to be. How much he can hurt someone this close. And at the same time, how impossible it is to just shatter something so easily.
He doesn't deserve it, but he hasn't ruined this completely, yet.]
I'm sorry, Dextera. [Quietly, spoken near his ear, but he's here, and he's holding him tight.]
[ dextera shakes his head, vigorously, even if he thinks he should accept the apology just to help guren abate some of his guilt over the situation as well. he doesn’t want guren to be sorry, though, and if he denies it—a childish part of him hopes that this will just go away. ]
…
[ it’s not like this is something easy to just bounce back from, though. he can’t see anyone else today. he won’t feel better until he speaks to zelda, really, but guren will help stop him from obsessing.
he pushes harder without thinking about it, with his face buried so he can’t even see; they’ll probably end up flat on the floor, at this rate. ]
[Even that's not helping, then. So Guren will stop apologizing. He stays quiet, instead, just holding on, and giving when Dextera pushes more. That means that they do end up flat on the floor, Guren on his back, holding Dextera on top of him.
He'll stay like this all day if it's what Dextera needs to feel better. For Zelda... well, he'll have to deal with it later. Give it time. He deserves the hate, anyway.
For this, though? He just strokes his fingers through Dextera's hair, his other arm staying linked firmly around him.]
[ dextera doesn’t cry. it’s not the kind of thing he feels the need to cry over, even if there’s a moment where his breath quickens like he might—but having guren stroke his hair, worry about him like this, care about him…
he would be a fool not to take it all to heart. ]
…
[ he takes a deep, deep breath, and holds it. then, he exhales, leaving the spot where his mouth is against the fabric of guren’s top warm and almost damp with the force of his sigh. it helps him center his thoughts. he tries to think back to what guren said earlier.
dextera is the one he wants to be with.
slowly, a hand moves out from behind and under guren, and he goes for guren’s hand in his hair so he can ease it out, his fingers searching until they can find guren’s palm. he’d forgotten how nice, how intimate writing things can be, even if it took guren’s temporary blindness to remember it. ]
[Ugh, it's like a knife to the heart to have that word written out. Dextera is scared? He has nothing to be afraid of. But saying that isn't a comfort, it's more like just saying he's wrong. Feelings aren't wrong. So how does he handle this...?]
the more time he’s given to think about it, the more rapidly it becomes about people other than zelda—so many people are out there who need less protection, are more stable, are better than dextera is.
[He says it firmly, confidently, instantly, but he still knows that isn't enough to end a whole fear. His eyes are on the ceiling just because it's harder to look at Dextera from this position. They're too close, and that's fine.]
I'm taking you with me. I won't leave you behind, or alone. I'm not the type of guy who should be with anyone; I'm too ambitious, I get caught up in things that are dangerous, and sometimes I don't know if I'll stay alive. But, selfishly, I don't want to let go of you, even if it might hurt you to be with me.
I don't know how else to say that. Is there anything else I can do to prove it to you?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action ; early next weekish after that zelda drama
[He didn't bother using the laptops this time. As soon as Zelda was gone, he left the house, without his jacket, only quickly keeping his sword on his belt. Wherever he finds Dextera, outside his house with the chickens or walking around or in the gardens— he reaches to take his wrist, looking troubled.]
I need to tell you something. [There's a pause, and he knows this only leads to anxiety, but he can't help it. This is something he should be anxious over, after all.] In private.
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did he do something? did his brother do something? ]
…?
[ he nods mutely, heart already crawling up into his throat. ]
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[He's still leading him through his own front door when he tries to start that and quickly cuts himself off. He can't. He can't say "I almost kissed Zelda" as the lead in. He shakes his head, knowing that it would lead to immediately wrong conclusions. Even if it doesn't excuse himself... for Dextera's sake, he has to start differently.
He waits until they're in his room and the door is shut behind them to breathe out his own tense sigh.]
I'm sorry. [...] Do you know the sets of wings we received from the fairy quest? Do you know what they do?
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…
[ he nods. ]
Blindness.
[ that’s what his did, anyway, and he hasn’t yet received any new ones to realize there’s an unfortunate variety. ]
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...Spells, in other words, just like the fairies were using on us. I didn't realize it until just now. I unpinned one of the sets while I was talking with Zelda...
[God he feels so horrible he wants to look away, but he forces himself to keep looking at Dextera.]
It changed how I felt. I tried to kiss her. I was feeling... [...] I was feeling things I shouldn't have been.
[dokis]
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[ it was a spell. it wasn’t his fault.
dextera’s mind rushes to justify guren’s actions as quickly as possible, but it doesn’t change the fact that it… hurts. it really hurts, and it shows on dextera’s face with his expression wide open and too easy to read as always.
he tried to kiss zelda.
he would get it, even if it weren’t the fault of a spell, and that’s probably what’s the most agonizing about hearing it. zelda is kind and confident and beautiful, and dextera is—?
he nods. he doesn’t say anything else, like he’s still trying to make sense of it. ]
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[When Dextera does nothing more than nod, Guren looks pained himself, dropping his hand away and leaving Dextera free from his touch. He's not sure it's helping right now. He's not sure he himself deserves it.]
It took me too long to break through it. I'm sorry.
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the problem is that he isn’t mad. he isn’t even upset with guren, really. maybe if he were just better somehow, it wouldn’t have affected guren like that.
so he shakes his head.
there’s no need for guren to be sorry. ]
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[He says it quietly. Dextera hasn't expressed a word, but Guren can see it all in his eyes. He knows him well enough. They'd become so close, so quickly. He hurt him like this. He hurt him, and there's no way for him to make it better, either.
His fingers curl into his own palms at his sides. He speaks gently.]
Don't go thinking around it. Don't hurt yourself any more than it already does. That spell goes against logic— and I was too weak to resist it. That's all there is to it.
But you're the one that I want to be with. Why do you think I came here to tell you? You know that, right?
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but it’s hard not to feel like it’s his fault somehow. he nods. ]
…
[ does he apologize for falling prey to these nerves? surely that would only upset guren more. he wants to pet leliel, or something, and he’s not sure if he wants guren to be very close or very far away while he tries to figure out his feelings. ]
Is Zelda OK?
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[SO...DEFINE OKAY... Guren rubs the back of his neck, but it's a lot more tense than his normal fidgeting like this. He doesn't know what to do to help anything.]
Do you want me to leave?
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…
[ he wants them to make amends, but how does he do that? maybe she won’t even listen to guren, and dextera doesn’t really want to be the one to address it. he barely hears guren’s question, and a beat passes before he even looks up in the realization he was spoken to.
does he want guren to…? no. he doesn’t think so. he’s not sure. ]
Do you want to leave?
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[He almost didn't want to answer that, but he can't look past his selfishness on this. Dextera should make his own choices, of course, and Guren should encourage that— but he needs to be able to speak his mind when it comes to his own wants, too, probably. So it's fine.
It would hurt more than anything to be told to leave.]
I don't want to.
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…
[ he sinks to the floor. ]
I’m sorry. [ he can’t help himself. ] For… feeling like this. Difficult.
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[Ugh... He stares down at Dextera for a moment before kneeling in front of him, still not sure if he has the right to reach out and try to comfort him with touch right now.]
You should be pissed. You have a right to be upset. You can be angry, hurt, you can slap me if you want. Zelda was right to have all of those feelings, too. This wasn't anything that you did. I'm really the one who screwed up, this time.
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what he does know is that he doesn’t want to hurt guren. he shakes his head. ]
I’m not angry. I don’t want to hit you.
[ that’s what he leads with, and although his hands still for a moment after that, it’s clear he isn’t done—guren didn’t try to kiss zelda because he wanted to. zelda believed he did, which is a train of thought dextera isn’t emotionally ready to pursue, but none of this was on purpose.
guren likes to blame himself. they both like to blame themselves. ]
It’s… confusing.
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He can't tell him how to help it when he doesn't know what it is that he's feeling, exactly. All he can do is try to help Dextera come to the conclusion of what he's feeling himself.
Guren is still on one knee in front of him, watching with a sad expression, but eventually he speaks up, soft.]
Can I touch you?
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when guren offers to touch him, it’s such a relief that he audibly exhales, and he answers with a movement of his own. he pushes himself forward to hug guren, squeezing him tightly. ]
…
[ more than anger or frustration or even sadness… dextera just thinks he’s afraid. ]
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[It surprises him, somehow, and with the hug, he immediately falls back to sit properly, stretching his legs out so they're no longer in the way. His arms wrap around Dextera in turn, holding him just like he'd been planning on, and he presses his face into the side of Dextera's, frowning.
It really tells him both how fragile and sturdy something like this is. How careful he needs to be. How much he can hurt someone this close. And at the same time, how impossible it is to just shatter something so easily.
He doesn't deserve it, but he hasn't ruined this completely, yet.]
I'm sorry, Dextera. [Quietly, spoken near his ear, but he's here, and he's holding him tight.]
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…
[ it’s not like this is something easy to just bounce back from, though. he can’t see anyone else today. he won’t feel better until he speaks to zelda, really, but guren will help stop him from obsessing.
he pushes harder without thinking about it, with his face buried so he can’t even see; they’ll probably end up flat on the floor, at this rate. ]
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He'll stay like this all day if it's what Dextera needs to feel better. For Zelda... well, he'll have to deal with it later. Give it time. He deserves the hate, anyway.
For this, though? He just strokes his fingers through Dextera's hair, his other arm staying linked firmly around him.]
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he would be a fool not to take it all to heart. ]
…
[ he takes a deep, deep breath, and holds it. then, he exhales, leaving the spot where his mouth is against the fabric of guren’s top warm and almost damp with the force of his sigh. it helps him center his thoughts. he tries to think back to what guren said earlier.
dextera is the one he wants to be with.
slowly, a hand moves out from behind and under guren, and he goes for guren’s hand in his hair so he can ease it out, his fingers searching until they can find guren’s palm. he’d forgotten how nice, how intimate writing things can be, even if it took guren’s temporary blindness to remember it. ]
Scared.
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What are you afraid of?
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the more time he’s given to think about it, the more rapidly it becomes about people other than zelda—so many people are out there who need less protection, are more stable, are better than dextera is.
his fingers pause against guren’s palm. ]
You’ll… leave.
[ that’s selfish, but dextera is selfish. ]
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[He says it firmly, confidently, instantly, but he still knows that isn't enough to end a whole fear. His eyes are on the ceiling just because it's harder to look at Dextera from this position. They're too close, and that's fine.]
I'm taking you with me. I won't leave you behind, or alone. I'm not the type of guy who should be with anyone; I'm too ambitious, I get caught up in things that are dangerous, and sometimes I don't know if I'll stay alive. But, selfishly, I don't want to let go of you, even if it might hurt you to be with me.
I don't know how else to say that. Is there anything else I can do to prove it to you?
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