[ a moment flashes in dextera’s memory—his own voice, and the archangel’s red eyes. with all due respect, why is it that you hate god so much?
he doesn’t ask ryo this, of course. it’s none of his business why ryo dislikes god, though it’s obvious that he considers the christian deity tyrannical, possibly even malicious at worst. ryo may believe, but he’s not a man of devotion. ]
The Old Testament… features a wrathful God.
[ not a “human” one, as some may phrase it. the god of the old testament still thinks himself righteous and justified, and the people who would take after that would not consider themselves human. ]
[ ryo may not be consciously aware of it, but eons of resentment color his opinions, makes something nestle uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. the christian deity is a vindictive, capricious and unjust despot at best. certainly not worth worshipping. he prefers a more deist approach to god—a deity that doesn't care about human affairs and left everything in the universe to its own devices after creating the natural laws that allows it to run itself. it makes more sense to him than a specific religion, and allows him to reconcile faith with scientific fact.
of course, deep down he knows god is not as uninvolved with his creation as he would like to believe. ]
Tell me about her. [ he only knows what dextera told him a while back, about god being sick and the attempted fusion that robbed him of his voice but gave him the power to purify. ]
[ dextera closes the bible, setting it aside. what does he know about god, really? it feels so presumptuous to say anything, but he’s the one closest to her. he’s the only person that can truly speak the dabar on her behalf. ]
She’s… warm. What a “mother” should be.
[ dextera does not remember his mother, but the utter lack of emotion he feels at trying to recall her suggests that he was never close to her in the first place. instead, he follows eliza’s example, considering god as a kind of mother to all no matter how oedipal his desire to return to her may be in that light.
She’s deranged. She forgot her pain, and let the world corrupt, but…
[ dextera looks at his own hand, for a moment, pausing in his words. ]
[ the word "love" earns dextera a dubious look from ryo, his expression distant and impassive. something in the blue of his eyes seems colder than usual. ]
Love doesn't exist. There's no such thing as love. [ he states flatly, as if correcting a student far out of his depth. he knows what it is in theory and he'll even say that the difference between demons and humans is that humans are capable of love, yet he refuses to acknowledge its existence—he's a bit contradictory in that regard. ]
[ there are a lot of things dextera could say to that. doesn’t ryo love akira? it doesn’t have to be romantic. if he cares, that’s love. dextera has come to love a lot of people in this town, too, though guren is the one above them all.
instead, he seems to shrink, though he doesn’t completely wither under ryo’s flat denial of love. ]
There’s no other word. I want to… be one with her.
[ "be one with her"... okay, either dextera wants to have sex with god or successfully merge with her since the previous attempt went awry, or some combination of both. he wonders if the death of dextera's brother has influenced that desire any, since they used to be a shared existence. people tend to long for the past; it's safe and comfortable. ]
A biological compulsion—humans are wired to seek intimacy and security.
[ that's all there is to it. "love" is just an abstraction of chemicals in the brain, biologically no different from consuming large quantities of chocolate. ]
[ ryo would be right on all three counts, which is probably something dextera needs therapy for, but it’s not like anyone is going to provide that here. ]
…you’re human.
[ as if to finally wonder aloud why ryo talks about humanity as if he isn’t a part of them—he is, isn’t he? ]
[ sometimes he isn't so sure anymore where he stands on the line between demons and humans; something is eating away at him like rot, making him question the things he's done and how much of him is him and not the result of some insidious outside source. ]
I am. [ what an astute observation, dextera. ] I'm just pointing out human nature.
[ there’s only one person he would expect it from, anyway—whether or not ryo loves akira doesn’t matter as much as if he would even consider it. how coldly would he deny the possibility? wouldn’t that make akira sad?
[ there are a lot of things dextera could say to that. it’s not that he’s vehement in defending love, since it’s such a new feeling to him, but hearing feelings reduced to chemicals does unsettle him, just a little.
he pauses, rubbing his thumb over his arm, where the archangel’s consciousness orb once rested. his influence, maybe artificial. ]
…I need her. [ dextera decides to amend his statement from before, instead of pushing ryo on it. he doesn’t have the heart for it. ] “Love” or not. It hurts to be alone.
[ ryo watches dextera's thumb move along his arm and there's a brief silence as he considers how he wants to respond. ]
...You sound like you never got over being separated from your brother and now want to fill the void by merging with God.
[ it's one thing to reminisce about the past—he does it often, thinking about his shared childhood with akira—but this? it's a little pathetic, honestly. the past is in the past, you have to move on with your life at some point. ]
he doesn’t like ryo’s guess, and it makes him immediately, painfully defensive—even if it’s true, and even if it’s something he might even admit to under different circumstances, he doesn’t want to be told that. it makes him feel wrong and vulnerable and exposed. ]
[ it’s even more pathetic, maybe, that he would run away after that, but this conversation has taken an unpleasant turn—his brother’s appearance here has only made that wound in his heart a little more raw, and ryo is managing to prod in all the right places to upset him. ]
[ well, that took an abrupt turn, didn't it. for a second, it looks like ryo's just going to quietly watch him leave, but then— ]
I'm right, aren't I? [ the corners of his mouth lift slightly, hinting at a smile, and it's not a nice smile. far from it, actually; it looks like it belongs to a predator that just stumbled along a wounded prey. ]
You're chasing the past and expecting God to solve your problems for you.
[ there's literally no need to say any of this when he already hit a sore spot, but ryo asuka is not a good person and sometimes the darkness that festers inside him bleeds through. ]
[ even if dextera said he was going to go, he doesn’t move—it’s in his nature to hang around like this like he’s waiting to be punished, no matter how much it hurts to have ryo push at him.
he considers ryo a friend, too, so it hurts just a little more than it would from someone else. ]
…
[ and underneath the pain, he’s… angry. he’s angry, helplessly so, a victim of his own erratic emotions when he has too many feelings and not enough memories to make sense of them. ]
So what?
[ the movements of his hands this time are sharp. ]
[ he's indifferent to the anger, to the sharpness present in his gestures. ryo's voice is calm like a placid lake, that unpleasant smile of his staying in place as he looks dextera in the eye. ]
who decided, though, that it should be pathetic to want to have someone to fill this painful hole in his heart? he’s so terribly, agonizingly lonely, and even guren doesn’t always assuage it. he needs his brother, or he needs god. ]
[ dextera is being dismissed, released, something—whatever it is, he’ll gladly take it, because this is the closest he’s come to the edge of what his self-security can handle.
he picks up the book and puts it in the inner pocket of his coat, glancing only briefly to the small offering of coconut water he brought over. ryo can keep it. it’s fine. ]
…
[ dextera retreats after that, and he’s going to hole himself up in his room until he can figure out what he feels. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he doesn’t ask ryo this, of course. it’s none of his business why ryo dislikes god, though it’s obvious that he considers the christian deity tyrannical, possibly even malicious at worst. ryo may believe, but he’s not a man of devotion. ]
The Old Testament… features a wrathful God.
[ not a “human” one, as some may phrase it. the god of the old testament still thinks himself righteous and justified, and the people who would take after that would not consider themselves human. ]
He’s different, from the one I know.
no subject
of course, deep down he knows god is not as uninvolved with his creation as he would like to believe. ]
Tell me about her. [ he only knows what dextera told him a while back, about god being sick and the attempted fusion that robbed him of his voice but gave him the power to purify. ]
no subject
She’s… warm. What a “mother” should be.
[ dextera does not remember his mother, but the utter lack of emotion he feels at trying to recall her suggests that he was never close to her in the first place. instead, he follows eliza’s example, considering god as a kind of mother to all no matter how oedipal his desire to return to her may be in that light.
She’s deranged. She forgot her pain, and let the world corrupt, but…
[ dextera looks at his own hand, for a moment, pausing in his words. ]
I “love” her.
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Love doesn't exist. There's no such thing as love. [ he states flatly, as if correcting a student far out of his depth. he knows what it is in theory and he'll even say that the difference between demons and humans is that humans are capable of love, yet he refuses to acknowledge its existence—he's a bit contradictory in that regard. ]
no subject
[ there are a lot of things dextera could say to that. doesn’t ryo love akira? it doesn’t have to be romantic. if he cares, that’s love. dextera has come to love a lot of people in this town, too, though guren is the one above them all.
instead, he seems to shrink, though he doesn’t completely wither under ryo’s flat denial of love. ]
There’s no other word. I want to… be one with her.
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A biological compulsion—humans are wired to seek intimacy and security.
[ that's all there is to it. "love" is just an abstraction of chemicals in the brain, biologically no different from consuming large quantities of chocolate. ]
no subject
…you’re human.
[ as if to finally wonder aloud why ryo talks about humanity as if he isn’t a part of them—he is, isn’t he? ]
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I am. [ what an astute observation, dextera. ] I'm just pointing out human nature.
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[ there’s only one person he would expect it from, anyway—whether or not ryo loves akira doesn’t matter as much as if he would even consider it. how coldly would he deny the possibility? wouldn’t that make akira sad?
…does ryo care? dextera doesn’t know. ]
If you feel it, it’s “real.”
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What people call love is just a mixture of dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline. Eating chocolate triggers the same chemical reaction in your brain.
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[ there are a lot of things dextera could say to that. it’s not that he’s vehement in defending love, since it’s such a new feeling to him, but hearing feelings reduced to chemicals does unsettle him, just a little.
he pauses, rubbing his thumb over his arm, where the archangel’s consciousness orb once rested. his influence, maybe artificial. ]
…I need her. [ dextera decides to amend his statement from before, instead of pushing ryo on it. he doesn’t have the heart for it. ] “Love” or not. It hurts to be alone.
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...You sound like you never got over being separated from your brother and now want to fill the void by merging with God.
[ it's one thing to reminisce about the past—he does it often, thinking about his shared childhood with akira—but this? it's a little pathetic, honestly. the past is in the past, you have to move on with your life at some point. ]
1/2
he doesn’t like ryo’s guess, and it makes him immediately, painfully defensive—even if it’s true, and even if it’s something he might even admit to under different circumstances, he doesn’t want to be told that. it makes him feel wrong and vulnerable and exposed. ]
2/2
[ it’s even more pathetic, maybe, that he would run away after that, but this conversation has taken an unpleasant turn—his brother’s appearance here has only made that wound in his heart a little more raw, and ryo is managing to prod in all the right places to upset him. ]
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I'm right, aren't I? [ the corners of his mouth lift slightly, hinting at a smile, and it's not a nice smile. far from it, actually; it looks like it belongs to a predator that just stumbled along a wounded prey. ]
You're chasing the past and expecting God to solve your problems for you.
[ there's literally no need to say any of this when he already hit a sore spot, but ryo asuka is not a good person and sometimes the darkness that festers inside him bleeds through. ]
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he considers ryo a friend, too, so it hurts just a little more than it would from someone else. ]
…
[ and underneath the pain, he’s… angry. he’s angry, helplessly so, a victim of his own erratic emotions when he has too many feelings and not enough memories to make sense of them. ]
So what?
[ the movements of his hands this time are sharp. ]
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[ he's indifferent to the anger, to the sharpness present in his gestures. ryo's voice is calm like a placid lake, that unpleasant smile of his staying in place as he looks dextera in the eye. ]
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who decided, though, that it should be pathetic to want to have someone to fill this painful hole in his heart? he’s so terribly, agonizingly lonely, and even guren doesn’t always assuage it. he needs his brother, or he needs god. ]
Stop it.
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Don't forget to take the book with you.
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he picks up the book and puts it in the inner pocket of his coat, glancing only briefly to the small offering of coconut water he brought over. ryo can keep it. it’s fine. ]
…
[ dextera retreats after that, and he’s going to hole himself up in his room until he can figure out what he feels. ]