[ dextera’s loss—the loss for all of them—has taken its toll. while it did push him to more fully embrace meridian, the feeling of failure is no easier to take than before, and they still don’t really have a plan. zenith has them outmatched, and there’s no telling how long it will be until the next oracle arrives.
if it arrives. maybe they’re just counting the days until the world ends, still.
it’s with those heavy thoughts that dextera seems a little distracted, unaware of anyone watching him, let alone seeking his attention until gen’s hand is on his wrist. dextera draws a quiet breath, briefly alarmed, until that awkward greeting—the way he lingers—tells him who it is. ]
…
[ the first sensation is relief; if gen is in springstar, he hasn’t left, even if that’s the way their conversation seemed to turn. his silence in the subsequent meridian discussions was just a natural consequence of his personality.
but dextera sees him. the power of meridian suffusing his shard allows him to see the choice gen has made after all, the way he holds it now. relief falls away, instead replaced by— by—
dextera wouldn’t know how to describe it. the immediate feeling is one of betrayal, but that’s not the true motivation behind his fraught reaction. he’s never expected that gen would owe something to meridian, and so it doesn’t feel like a betrayal of the cause dextera is fighting for. (he’s good at making exceptions for the people he cares about.) instead, there’s a cold wind of absence, a fear that gen has changed his mind.
the expression on his face only moves a bit: his dull eyes widen first, followed by the furrowing of a brow as his gaze immediately darts to the rough place of gen’s shard on his body, as if he’s made a mistake. ]
[ He'd been keeping his status as a newly permanent Zenith secret, of course. Not out of any desire for subterfuge or trickery, but simply because speaking about it hadn't felt necessary -- why go out of his way to earn the ire of his former allies by exposing himself as a traitor? (Why go out of his way to see how disappointed some of the people he actually cares about might be?) He'd known everything would come to light eventually, anyway.
... though admittedly, there's no way he could have anticipated things would turn out like this.
It's only the thinnest sliver of Gen's shard that Dextera must be able to see past the high neck of his shirt, where it's embedded at the hollow of his shirt. But it must still be enough. A darkness swirls within the smokey gray of his shard, too dense to simply be the natural coloration of his shard -- and too intense to be that of a fledgling devotee to Zenith. Gen's new allegiance to Zenith goes deeper than that.
Not that Gen knows any of this. Unaware of what Dextera is able to see, all he notices is the way Dextera's expression darkens with what looks to be consternation. ]
Why're you looking at me like that?
[ His words are fringed with a low exhale as he tries to feign casual, but Dextera must be able to feel the slight twinge through their Aspect-borne connection. And here, Gen had thought he'd earned some of Dextera's goodwill back in that miserable chamber. (His heart still squeezes tight when he thinks of that smile. A small gesture, but one that had been for him.)
Gen sinks back to lean against the tree, putting a sliver more distance between them as he dips his gaze aside. ]
You know I have a job here, right? S'just that I happened to notice you. Nothing to look so freaked out about, is it.
[ He plays dumb and dodges the issue because it's easier that way. It's always easier that way when it comes to Dextera, for some reason. But even as he says this bullshit, he knows that's not what's given Dextera pause. ]
[ gen is talking to cover his panic; it’s something dextera can’t do, and so he understands when it’s happening to other people. whether he was trying to keep it a secret or not doesn’t matter—dextera isn’t going to tell anyone, but neither is he able to just forget what he’s noticed. ]
…
[ dextera doesn’t really know what to do now. he doesn’t know what they would have talked about had he not known, with most people seeming content to forget all that happened in the roots, but now it’s hard to think of anything else other than the new energy occupying gen’s shard. he doesn’t lift his eyes again immediately, instead turning them down to look at his sleeve and pick at a pill of fabric that won’t come loose. there’s silence.
—then, suddenly, the question he wants to ask comes; he looks at gen until the weight of his stare forces them to meet eyes. ]
Or -- how much does Dextera know? His memories from back in that miserable chamber are foggy at points, and he can't recall exactly what he'd said to Dextera then. But given how intense the passive Communion had been back there, he's sure Dextera could have guessed he'd go to (return to) Zenith. The question then, maybe, is whether Dextera knows he's settled in for good.
He's back where he belongs. ]
... why, you gonna join me if I tell you it's cushier on this side?
[ It's meant to be the sort of flippant, disrespectful response he gives most people, but this one feels more like something just to fill the air, not a proper deflection. And as soon as he meets Dextera's eyes, he looks away once more, pushing away from the tree to start slinking out of the shade. Towards somewhere quiet. A flick of the finger gestures for Dextera to follow. ]
You said you'd stick with that side for good, didn't you. Promised, even.
[ dextera follows him, thinking in gloomy silence about what exactly this means.
this is the first time someone he truly cares about has switched. makoto has gone to zenith, too, but he was undecided to begin with, and dextera knew that there was never really a chance of sharing the life they had in springstar for long. with gen, though, dextera wonders if he could have done something different. if he had tried harder, would they be doing this now? ]
…I’m not going anywhere.
[ he’s fully committed; that much is evident in his tone. ]
[ Gen says nothing in response at first -- out loud or through Communion -- but between their Aspect's connection and the little traces of body language, maybe Dextera can get an idea of what he's thinking. His shoulders sink a fraction with a low sigh when Dextera reiterates his commitment -- relief. A pointy ear flicks afterward -- consideration for that question. His tail lashes from side to side just once -- slight displeasure towards the matter.
Then -- ]
Those're two different things. Being comfortable and being happy.
[ He's not saying it just to be pedantic. 'Happiness' is something that he's largely given up on for himself; that wouldn't have been likely regardless of which side he aligned himself with. ]
But sure. You could say I'm more comfortable with Zenith. Like I knew I'd be.
[ it’s sick to be relieved that gen acknowledges the difference. dextera knows it is. gen wouldn’t distinguish them if he was happy, which means—
he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, standing with some distance but not enough that it would be impossible to reach out and touch gen at any time. dextera shouldn’t feel this way about someone he genuinely cares for, but it would be unbearable to watch someone claw themselves out of a grave he thought they were sharing. ]
…then that’s okay.
[ it is, in all the meanings the statement holds. ]
I can still see you. We aren’t enemies. That’s all that matters.
[ They're not yet at the spot he's been leading them towards -- a few stray pedestriants still milling past them on the way to the quiet little alleyway he's thinking of -- but Gen's footsteps still slow. Dirt grits underfoot when he half-turns to look at Dextera, his gaze steady. ]
S'that right.
[ 'We aren't enemies.' He should be happy to hear that, he thinks. But what are they, then? That slight, uneasy simmer prickles through their Communion even as Gen cants his head, trying to feign casual. ]
That's just you, though. I'm sure there's plenty of Meridian who'd love to see me dead. You're just gonna turn a blind eye to that, then? Just stand by if they do what they gotta do.
[ Because Dextera can't stop them, can he? Not while he's committed to Meridian. ]
[ dextera actually does stop, genuinely surprised by gen’s guess toward the future—for just a moment, it had felt to dextera like this was their own private issue, and by clearly stating that they aren’t enemies, that should have been the end of it.
gen feels differently.
dextera should simply warn him to stay out of the way. it’s not like before, when dextera knew that those under the sway of kenoma would be punished for their inaction. yima, at least so far, seems a more tolerant ruler for her flock, and dextera is sure that if someone stepped back from the conflict, they wouldn’t be punished.
but would gen listen to that? he doesn’t know. ]
…no one will listen to me. [ it doesn’t matter how well-established he is within the meridian energy itself, if he doesn’t have the charisma to back it up. ] But that doesn’t mean I want you to get hurt. That doesn’t mean… I wouldn’t try to stop it.
[ Even after all his time spent here, a part of him is still surprised every time he realizes some people here want to protect him. Too accustomed to being the protector, or the aggressor, or both, it's a strange sensation whenever he's reminded that some people here would waste their energy on trying to keep him safe.
His chest prickles, brief but sharp, the sensation shared with Dextera. ]
... you don't need to.
[ But ultimately, he isn't something worth protecting. Gen properly turns to face Dextera, shoulders squared and hands in pockets ]
You promised you'd stay with that side -- and I'm serious about this too, you know. I can't stand the thought that you want to save the place I'm from. I don't want to lose. [ He 'speaks' evenly enough, but his words are soft and his gaze is directed at the ground between them. ] We are enemies, even if you want to pretend we aren't.
... you still okay with seeing me, even knowing that?
[ He doesn't dare hope Dextera will answer with the 'yes' that he knows is a terribly tall order. But even if he isn't conscious of it, his quiet yearning must be palpable for Dextera. ]
[ truthfully, it’s like he doesn’t hear gen’s protests. he was just waiting for the place to affirm his own feelings; it’s the same sensation that set once observed in dextera, like claws sinking in to hold onto something he fears might be taken away from him.
he refuses to listen to gen’s reasonable assessment of their respective places, because that would mean considering a different possibility than the one he wants to believe in.
thus, his firm yes. the word itself is given through communion as if it’s iron-clad, locking the two of them together across whatever physical distance might separate them. it smooths over the little nicks and cracks in the feelings that make up dextera’s fundamental motivations, allowing him to look so certain for nothing but the right reasons. he believes it himself. ]
[ It's enough to make him feel like his heart's stopped for a moment.
Not just Dextera's words -- those alone enough to make his lungs squeeze tight, his breath catching in his throat -- but the way he says them. The promptness. The certainty. 'I won't lose you,' Dextera says, and it feels a bit like someone's struck him across the head with a hammer, given how violently his thoughts go blank.
Though Gen says nothing for a moment, only looking at Dextera in silence, it must be painfully obvious that he's struggling to fight back an overwhelming deluge of tangled emotions. Shock, confusion, disbelief. But more than any of those --
a violently spiraling sense of infatuation. (Longing and possessive.) ]
That's ... [ It slips out loud first, before he tries to gather himself. Gen swallows thickly as he thoughtlessly brings his free hand up to his face; his reflexively attempt to hide his expression that way is rather undermined by the visible way his canine ears flatten back for a moment, clearly overwhelmed. ] S'that right. [ He closes his eyes as he exhales slowly, trying to will his thundering pulse calm. ] You know that's easier said than done.
[ But there's no real bite to that petulant response. It's hard to even muster his usual level of doubt -- not when Dextera had sounded so certain. 'I won't lose you.' How the hell can he bring himself to argue with that, even if he knows on a rational level that he should?
Gen exhales hoarsely once more before pulling away his hand, willing himself to keep a straight face. But maybe it doesn't matter much if he can't quite accomplish it -- not when he instead reaches forward to snag his fingers into Dextera's sleeve, tugging him just a little closer. ]
... alright. [ He'll believe it. He'll permit himself to fully believe what Dextera says. ] And you? Seems unfair if you're the only one trying. What do you want.
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if it arrives. maybe they’re just counting the days until the world ends, still.
it’s with those heavy thoughts that dextera seems a little distracted, unaware of anyone watching him, let alone seeking his attention until gen’s hand is on his wrist. dextera draws a quiet breath, briefly alarmed, until that awkward greeting—the way he lingers—tells him who it is. ]
…
[ the first sensation is relief; if gen is in springstar, he hasn’t left, even if that’s the way their conversation seemed to turn. his silence in the subsequent meridian discussions was just a natural consequence of his personality.
but dextera sees him. the power of meridian suffusing his shard allows him to see the choice gen has made after all, the way he holds it now. relief falls away, instead replaced by— by—
dextera wouldn’t know how to describe it. the immediate feeling is one of betrayal, but that’s not the true motivation behind his fraught reaction. he’s never expected that gen would owe something to meridian, and so it doesn’t feel like a betrayal of the cause dextera is fighting for. (he’s good at making exceptions for the people he cares about.) instead, there’s a cold wind of absence, a fear that gen has changed his mind.
the expression on his face only moves a bit: his dull eyes widen first, followed by the furrowing of a brow as his gaze immediately darts to the rough place of gen’s shard on his body, as if he’s made a mistake. ]
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... though admittedly, there's no way he could have anticipated things would turn out like this.
It's only the thinnest sliver of Gen's shard that Dextera must be able to see past the high neck of his shirt, where it's embedded at the hollow of his shirt. But it must still be enough. A darkness swirls within the smokey gray of his shard, too dense to simply be the natural coloration of his shard -- and too intense to be that of a fledgling devotee to Zenith. Gen's new allegiance to Zenith goes deeper than that.
Not that Gen knows any of this. Unaware of what Dextera is able to see, all he notices is the way Dextera's expression darkens with what looks to be consternation. ]
Why're you looking at me like that?
[ His words are fringed with a low exhale as he tries to feign casual, but Dextera must be able to feel the slight twinge through their Aspect-borne connection. And here, Gen had thought he'd earned some of Dextera's goodwill back in that miserable chamber. (His heart still squeezes tight when he thinks of that smile. A small gesture, but one that had been for him.)
Gen sinks back to lean against the tree, putting a sliver more distance between them as he dips his gaze aside. ]
You know I have a job here, right? S'just that I happened to notice you. Nothing to look so freaked out about, is it.
[ He plays dumb and dodges the issue because it's easier that way. It's always easier that way when it comes to Dextera, for some reason. But even as he says this bullshit, he knows that's not what's given Dextera pause. ]
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…
[ dextera doesn’t really know what to do now. he doesn’t know what they would have talked about had he not known, with most people seeming content to forget all that happened in the roots, but now it’s hard to think of anything else other than the new energy occupying gen’s shard. he doesn’t lift his eyes again immediately, instead turning them down to look at his sleeve and pick at a pill of fabric that won’t come loose. there’s silence.
—then, suddenly, the question he wants to ask comes; he looks at gen until the weight of his stare forces them to meet eyes. ]
Is it more comfortable there?
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Or -- how much does Dextera know? His memories from back in that miserable chamber are foggy at points, and he can't recall exactly what he'd said to Dextera then. But given how intense the passive Communion had been back there, he's sure Dextera could have guessed he'd go to (return to) Zenith. The question then, maybe, is whether Dextera knows he's settled in for good.
He's back where he belongs. ]
... why, you gonna join me if I tell you it's cushier on this side?
[ It's meant to be the sort of flippant, disrespectful response he gives most people, but this one feels more like something just to fill the air, not a proper deflection. And as soon as he meets Dextera's eyes, he looks away once more, pushing away from the tree to start slinking out of the shade. Towards somewhere quiet. A flick of the finger gestures for Dextera to follow. ]
You said you'd stick with that side for good, didn't you. Promised, even.
no subject
this is the first time someone he truly cares about has switched. makoto has gone to zenith, too, but he was undecided to begin with, and dextera knew that there was never really a chance of sharing the life they had in springstar for long. with gen, though, dextera wonders if he could have done something different. if he had tried harder, would they be doing this now? ]
…I’m not going anywhere.
[ he’s fully committed; that much is evident in his tone. ]
I just want to know… if you’re happier.
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Then -- ]
Those're two different things. Being comfortable and being happy.
[ He's not saying it just to be pedantic. 'Happiness' is something that he's largely given up on for himself; that wouldn't have been likely regardless of which side he aligned himself with. ]
But sure. You could say I'm more comfortable with Zenith. Like I knew I'd be.
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he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, standing with some distance but not enough that it would be impossible to reach out and touch gen at any time. dextera shouldn’t feel this way about someone he genuinely cares for, but it would be unbearable to watch someone claw themselves out of a grave he thought they were sharing. ]
…then that’s okay.
[ it is, in all the meanings the statement holds. ]
I can still see you. We aren’t enemies. That’s all that matters.
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S'that right.
[ 'We aren't enemies.' He should be happy to hear that, he thinks. But what are they, then? That slight, uneasy simmer prickles through their Communion even as Gen cants his head, trying to feign casual. ]
That's just you, though. I'm sure there's plenty of Meridian who'd love to see me dead. You're just gonna turn a blind eye to that, then? Just stand by if they do what they gotta do.
[ Because Dextera can't stop them, can he? Not while he's committed to Meridian. ]
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[ dextera actually does stop, genuinely surprised by gen’s guess toward the future—for just a moment, it had felt to dextera like this was their own private issue, and by clearly stating that they aren’t enemies, that should have been the end of it.
gen feels differently.
dextera should simply warn him to stay out of the way. it’s not like before, when dextera knew that those under the sway of kenoma would be punished for their inaction. yima, at least so far, seems a more tolerant ruler for her flock, and dextera is sure that if someone stepped back from the conflict, they wouldn’t be punished.
but would gen listen to that? he doesn’t know. ]
…no one will listen to me. [ it doesn’t matter how well-established he is within the meridian energy itself, if he doesn’t have the charisma to back it up. ] But that doesn’t mean I want you to get hurt. That doesn’t mean… I wouldn’t try to stop it.
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His chest prickles, brief but sharp, the sensation shared with Dextera. ]
... you don't need to.
[ But ultimately, he isn't something worth protecting. Gen properly turns to face Dextera, shoulders squared and hands in pockets ]
You promised you'd stay with that side -- and I'm serious about this too, you know. I can't stand the thought that you want to save the place I'm from. I don't want to lose. [ He 'speaks' evenly enough, but his words are soft and his gaze is directed at the ground between them. ] We are enemies, even if you want to pretend we aren't.
... you still okay with seeing me, even knowing that?
[ He doesn't dare hope Dextera will answer with the 'yes' that he knows is a terribly tall order. But even if he isn't conscious of it, his quiet yearning must be palpable for Dextera. ]
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[ truthfully, it’s like he doesn’t hear gen’s protests. he was just waiting for the place to affirm his own feelings; it’s the same sensation that set once observed in dextera, like claws sinking in to hold onto something he fears might be taken away from him.
he refuses to listen to gen’s reasonable assessment of their respective places, because that would mean considering a different possibility than the one he wants to believe in.
thus, his firm yes. the word itself is given through communion as if it’s iron-clad, locking the two of them together across whatever physical distance might separate them. it smooths over the little nicks and cracks in the feelings that make up dextera’s fundamental motivations, allowing him to look so certain for nothing but the right reasons. he believes it himself. ]
I won’t lose you. Not to this.
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Not just Dextera's words -- those alone enough to make his lungs squeeze tight, his breath catching in his throat -- but the way he says them. The promptness. The certainty. 'I won't lose you,' Dextera says, and it feels a bit like someone's struck him across the head with a hammer, given how violently his thoughts go blank.
Though Gen says nothing for a moment, only looking at Dextera in silence, it must be painfully obvious that he's struggling to fight back an overwhelming deluge of tangled emotions. Shock, confusion, disbelief. But more than any of those --
a violently spiraling sense of infatuation. (Longing and possessive.) ]
That's ... [ It slips out loud first, before he tries to gather himself. Gen swallows thickly as he thoughtlessly brings his free hand up to his face; his reflexively attempt to hide his expression that way is rather undermined by the visible way his canine ears flatten back for a moment, clearly overwhelmed. ] S'that right. [ He closes his eyes as he exhales slowly, trying to will his thundering pulse calm. ] You know that's easier said than done.
[ But there's no real bite to that petulant response. It's hard to even muster his usual level of doubt -- not when Dextera had sounded so certain. 'I won't lose you.' How the hell can he bring himself to argue with that, even if he knows on a rational level that he should?
Gen exhales hoarsely once more before pulling away his hand, willing himself to keep a straight face. But maybe it doesn't matter much if he can't quite accomplish it -- not when he instead reaches forward to snag his fingers into Dextera's sleeve, tugging him just a little closer. ]
... alright. [ He'll believe it. He'll permit himself to fully believe what Dextera says. ] And you? Seems unfair if you're the only one trying. What do you want.